Sunday, February 8, 2009

A Grammy List.

1. As per usual, DETROIT WAS ROBBED. The Grammys had time for an awful duet by Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus, but its the 50th Anniversary of Motown and you couldn't even put together a proper tribute?! The Smokey/Duke/Ne-Yo/Jamie Fox Four Tops tribute was actually one of the better performances of the evening, seeing as they actually selected relevant participants, unlike some of the other random groupings which would occur throughout the evening. But it wasn't even announced that this was a Motown tribute, or that it was Motown's 50th Anniversary....or anything. WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE DETROIT?!

2. The shot of T.I. grooving along with Neil Diamond? Amazing.

3. Katy Perry should not be allowed in public. I actually really like her album so it saddens me to see her live - its amazing how much Auto-tune must have been used to make her sound like she does. At least Kanye recognizes he can't sing and told everyone about the Auto-Tune - that way when he sings live we all know in advance to plug our ears [and also now that he is rocking a mullet(?!!) to advert our eyes]. Sorry Katy no matter how much giant fruit there is, I will not be going to your concert.
Your cute faces and banana hips won't distract us from your lack of voice Katy:

4. M.I.A. I love you. There is no one else in the fucking world that would perform on the Grammys on their due date. And by "perform" I mean waddle around stage like a duck in a polka dot/sheer bikini thing while T.I., Kanye, Jay Z and Lil Wanye waltz around you. Normally I would not condone lip-syncing - especially because your only line was "Swagger like us" - but since you were performing on the Grammys on your due date, I will let it slide. However I think my roommate said it best when she yelled at the TV: "Someone get her to a hospital! I am worried!!!" Indeed, oh indeed.
They will start selling this ensemble in the Target maternity section next week:

5. Speaking of Jay-Z, did anyone else notice his date was Solange?!

6. Look, I fucking love the Beatles [really is there anyone on earth who doesn't?]. But why exactly did Paul McCartney sing I Saw Her Standing There? Was this one of those oh shit Chris Brown just got arrested so we need someone to fill his spot so lets ask Sir Paul hey dude you know all those Beatles songs by heart right so wanna sing an oldie but goodie and we know it sucks Ringo isn't here but hey that drummer from Nirvana is so wanna take up some time thanks performances? Also, its not 1993 anymore so cut your damn hair Dave Grohl.

7. So earlier today I went dress shopping [gaaaaaaaaaaah!] and didn't find a dress I liked. Until I came home and saw Jennifer Hudson wearing it on stage:

8. The Jonas Brothers + Stevie Wonder = wtf. Like...I don't even know what else to say. Well, except for the fact that I just watched it again on YouTube and just realized that the Extra Super Pretty Jonas plays the bongos for a hot second:

9. Gwenyth Paltrow and Chris Martin are rich right? They can like, afford a stylist? Why then did it look like Coldplay fished through the dumpsters behind Abbey Road Studios to find some dirty and weirdly colored Sgt. Pepper get-up and like Gwen was wearing a dress that someone had stapled old Christmas tinsel to?
Give Paul McCartney his coat back, he was sitting across the aisle:

Also, Christmas was like...two months ago:

10. When Lil Wayne jumped up and down on stage after winning his best rap album award I was really, REALLY afraid his pants were going to fall down. Kind of like this actually. Luckily they didn't. And luckily he didn't talk for very long either because his voice [or lack there of] annoys me. Like a lot.

11. Has anyone even listened to that damn Robert Plant/ Allison Krauss album?!

12. Could the Grammys think of no one better to introduce Lil Wayne than Gary Sinese? Also, why didn't LL Cool J just sucker punch Jay Mohr in the face? Come on LL, mamma said knock him out!

13. In summary: ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz.

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