Ah! It was only a matter of time! Any teen drama worth its salt has a good teacher/student fling, and GG took theirs at warp speed. Why it was only last week that Dan and Ms. New Naive Midwest Teacher Cliche were making eyes over coffee when he invited her out to explore the wilds of Brooklyn. And while Dan and the new teacher were gettin' bizzy [can I type that? I'm white] Serena walked around wearing a Sherlock Holmes coat, Blair regressed to a whiny bitch and Chuck Bass discovered what really happened to Eliot Spitzer.
Sometimes I forget that these characters are actually in high school because you know....they never go to school!!!11 I know Vanessa is "home-schooled" and by home-schooled she really just means she walks around Brooklyn all day looking for more crazy colored leggings to wear. But Chuck hasn't been to school since...ever? And as of today Nate apparently no longer goes to school either, as he has time to wander about the city with his home-schooled lady love and billionaire bff. I guess this is really just the fault of editing - it would be too confusing to have a school day take up a chunk of an hour show and not have story lines concerning other characters come in until say, the second half hour. But when you show some characters in school and then immediately splice to others not in school it gives the impression that these things are happening at the same time. [just FYI]
Anyway, unlike some people Blair actually acted like what she really is in this episode: a spoiled high school girl. Why exactly, is her dad suddenly in town? With a bulldog? Convienent for this storyline, eh? Blair's little Barack-style rev 'em up speech at the beginning was kind of funny [mainly because of the choice of background music] but for the rest of the episode she was just whiny and annoying in ways she hasn't been since the first season. I was always on Team Van Der Woodsen because Blair was so bratty, but then mainly through her tough relationship with Chuck she seemed to have matured alot and in the process grew on me. But in this episode she regressed a year in her life - I blame it on the writers, not you Leighton Meester. Well, maybe I blame it a little on you Leighton.
Speaking of Chuck, his dad was apparently involved in some sort of Da Vinci Code Secret Strip Club kind of thing whose members wear masks, kidnap Connecticut nannies and leave cryptic messages for fun savanger hunts around the city! Now that Chuck rolls with Opus Dei or the Illuminati or the Skulls and Bones or whatevs, he woke up from his night of mayhem with a nice new fake wrist tattoo. My mistake, that clearly means he's actually now a Death Eater! Whenever Uncle Jack wants to summon the other Death Eaters he just sprinkles some cocaine on his tattoo and everyone else's tattoo starts to burn and itch and then a giant Bass Industries logo appears over Manhattan and....too much? Yeah, I should stop.
But for godssakes NATE AND VANESSA. You know that annoying couple that gets all smashed together and never go anywhere alone and only talk to each other and giggle secretly in the corner and make out in front of everyone and so you have to make them a nickname wherein you combine both their names because they are now a single person?! Well that is Nate and Vanessa. Or should I say NANESSA?!! Or VATE!?
I am only letting you slide Nate because you gave a shout out to Rhode Island and Providence Plantations. Wait. It was a creepy reference. You said your mom was in Newport so you could invite Vanessa over for weird Da Vinci Code Masked Secret Society Sex. I take it back.
Nate and Vanessa, you are dead to me.
Well...not as dead to me as Dan Humphrey as that final scene with him and the teacher was well, yeah, creepy.
Letourneau! Fualaau! Party of two!