Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Gossip Girl: Bad Romance.

Heaven help me, but I like that damn Lady Gaga song [Though I don't quite understand why she's wearing a latex Max from Where The Wild Things Are outfit in the video. Maybe its because her new EP is called The Fame Monster, so now she's all about running with the wild things? Whatev, I don't want to think about it that hard]. Of course now this blog will pop up on Perez Hilton's Google Alerts since I managed to say something positive about Lady Gaga and he will read it and get all misty eyed and preachy about her "art" and continue to live vicariously through her since she has the discernible talent to become more famous than he ever will. Even if that talent is doing the Twist in a latex Where The Wild Things Are Halloween costume. For real. Watch the video.

Anyway, it was appropriate that Lady Gaga -somewhat inexplicably - showed up to lip-synch her newest single as "Bad Romance" really was the theme of this episode. Dan and Vanessa? Say it isn't so!! A Tripp/Serena/Nate triangle? Suck on that Parents Television Council - that threeway would involve cousins!! Jenny and a Belgian drug dealer? Hahahahahaha I'm laughing at her melodramatic downward spiral already.

This episode opened with a James Frey quotation in the voice over [?!?!!], which makes me believe more and more that all I need to do to get famous is to write some crackpot book full of lies to get on Oprah and even more importantly, on Gossip Girl. Sigh. But the point of this strangeness was to illustrate that the truth, especially as we remember it, is actually all relative - wait? is that a theme verging on Mad Men territory!? - and that all threesomes don't take place in porn slow motion with wind machines for the girls' hair, even though Dan Humphrey's hormonal brain would like to believe as much. His Big Man On Campus attitude following his dual lady conquest was quickly stifled by Nate, who rather hilariously and therefore uncharacteristically, chided Dan that the third person is always supposed to be a stranger [Chuck Bass is his best friend, he knows things]. Good advice Nate!

Too bad Dan got that advice too late, as things between him, Vanessa and Olivia was awwwwwwkward. Dan remembered their threesome as his crowning glory, Olivia remembered it as a Dan/Vanessa twosome she happened to witness and Vanessa remembered it as....? Did they ever show a Vanessa flashback? [They might have and I missed it, as I tend to block anything pertaining to V out] But the incident that Dan thought upped his stud quotient actually left him sad and alone - Olivia didn't want to be his girlfriend anymore, and Vanessa didn't really want to be friends. Olivia thought the deep-seated feelings between Dan and Vanessa finally came out and alas, we all knew this would eventually happen. So let's just get this thing over with as soon as possible, so everything can end up like it does in the books with Dan being gay and Vanessa being bald. Dan tried to repair his friendship with V by suggesting they attend a Morrissey concert together, with apparently is something they started doing together when they were 7. At first I thought what kind of 7 year old goes to a Morrissey concert, but then I realized that yeah, if there was any 7 year old who sat in his room and wept to William It Was Really Nothing it was probably Dan Humphrey.

But Olivia put the lid on those sweet vegetarian emo dreams for D and V, and enlisted Dan to write the script for a cabaret performance she was attending. Dan of course had to agree because he was thinking of applying for the play writing program at Tisch and writing this play for other theater kids would give him a leg up. Or something. Blair was also involved, as she is desperate to be accepted by anyone and the theater kids were the next group she tried to infiltrate. GG has done this Shakespearean show within a show conceit before and Blair always shines, so girl needs to get herself into Tisch. If Lady Gaga can do it, I think Blair Waldorf could too! So Dan wrote a Snow White musical using the songs of Lady Gaga to illustrate our culture's obsession with fame. Or something. Its seems pretty ludicrous that Dan could successfully find a way to utilize Love Game and the phrase "disco stick" considering a few weeks ago he was all like "I have no idea who that Olivia chick is! Even though she's in the biggest movie franchise ever!" But I'll let it slide because it gave Blair the chance to act like the Evil Queen she is without pretense and Dan the context to kiss Vanessa on a Betty Draper-esque fainting couch.

But it was all for naught, as Olivia left to go work on some terrible sounding movie, graciously stepping aside so Dan could get it on with her former roommate. Though she left with the menacing promise to "be back next fall," so see you soon Hilary Duff! Nevertheless, Vanessa claimed she didn't have feelings anymore for Dan [FALSE.] and left to be with some theater dude who was obviously gay. So yeah, if this show follows the books' trajectory I guess that's the same thing as being with Dan anyway.

While one threesome was falling apart, another one was shaping up across town - Serena! Nate! Tripp! It was pretty great when Nate called Serena out on her slutty ways, bringing up the fact that she's running after a married Congressman when she was just all up in Carter Bazen's business a hot second ago. The fact that Serena shows up to work for a Congressman in an outfit that has both shoulder pads and a hemline only 1 inch south of her crotch is ridiculous, so someone had to try and set her straight. Nate and Serena have been on the outs lately, so he was surprised that she showed up asking for advice, but I mean hello, what other one of her friends has already had an affair with a married person?!

Nate's adorable little tactics to keep Serena away from Tripp until he left for DC - ice cream in Central Park and a drunken bender - of course backfired in the end. Several shots in Nate revealed he still had feelings for Serena, which I believe because he doesn't have enough thoughts in that pretty head of his to drive them away, and they almost made out. Until -gasp! - Tripp walked in! Nate's mother had revealed it was actually his own wife who almost ruined his campaign and, wtf how does Nate's mother of all people know this?! I hope in upcoming episodes that little piece of info is revealed to us, because it really, really doesn't make sense. Kind of like how Nate is now suddenly living in Chuck's hotel. He goes to school right? Or was that all some sort of ruse?!

But let's get back to this love game [Lady Gaga hahahaha]. As soon as Tripp revealed his marriage was on the rocks Serena was more than ready to hit that. Which, sigh. Get it together girl! Sleeping around your little Upper East Side circle is one thing, sleeping with a married Congressman is another. I am at least comforted by the fact that the political scandal which is about to break will probably be awesome with Serena all over the news and tabloids. Maybe her dad will finally appear then! Whatever, so long as she gets rid of that weird Princess Leia braid she's been sporting lately.

And lastly, let us discuss Little J and what appears to be her upcoming transformation into a druggie at the hands of some dashing European dude! I am split on this development: we already had the whole "Wild Jenny" story arc before but it was really her just acting immature about wanting to drop out of Constance, while if she actually does develop a drug habit it could be serious business. I would say good thing she has a former rock star dad to help her through this, but he didn't know what gonorrhea of the throat was, so maybe he won't be so helpful after all.

I kind of love when Chuck Bass tries to actually be a good brother, like when he attempted to rescue Jenny from the clutches of European Dude and his blue pills. I mostly loved his appearance though for his brilliant quip: "Dude, I’m Chuck Bass. Even Europeans must know what that means." [Heart.] But no matter what Chuck says, Jenny is clearly enamored with The European and his whole bad boy image. She's obviously just a lonely teenager who has alienated her only real friends, Eric and Jonathan, and thinks that dressing like Courtney Love and dumping yogurt over people will earn her acceptance. Obviously, its going to be hard for her to resist the thrills of The European and his sneaky toy boat maneuvers. Look out Little J!

I'm going to allow the development of this Jenny storyline for one reason, and one reason only. I'm banking on the fact that it's going to yield a hilarious and classic scene like this:

Actually, I think Jessie Spano pretty accurately sums up how I feel about this whole new Jenny scenario: "I'm soo excited....I'm sooo excited...I'm sooo...scared!!!"

Sunday, November 8, 2009

This Week's Playlist.

1. Heartbreaker - Mariah Carey
2. Sophomore Slump or Comeback of the Year - Fall Out Boy
3. Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves - Cher
4. Fell In Love With A Boy - Joss Stone
5. Borderline - Madonna
6. Here Comes Your Man - Pixies
7. Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart - Alicia Keys
8. I Cannot Tell What This Love May Be - Gilbert & Sullivan
9. I Hate People - Jemina Pearl
10. Somebody to Love - Leighton Meester ft Robin Thicke

nov 1a

Also, it should be noted that nowhere on imeem has anyone [including Alicia Keys herself!] yet posted Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart! Wtf, that song is quality bitches:

Oh. Crap.

So Leighton Meester just released her music video for her new single Somebody To Love, and I watched it. And, oh crap. I think I like the song. I mean I like it in that "Oh noes this song is terrible. And annoying. Which means its the perfect combination to get hooked in my brain and I'll listen to it over and over and hate myself the entire time" sort of way. Kind of like with that damn Whatcha Say song - I only felt slightly better about that because with that big honkin' sample it was practically an Imogen Heap song anyway.

Supposedly this song is by "Leighton Meester ft. Robin Thicke" but I think Leighton sings more on Good Girls Go Bad, so between the two songs I'm still not exactly sure what she sounds like. Also I kind of love the opening lines: "Paris, France to Michigan/ London town and through Berlin." Look, I'm from Michigan so I know that one of those things is not like the other, but I can't really think of anything else to rhyme with Berlin myself, so I guess I will let it slide.

The jewelry Leighton rocks in this video is pretty out of control, but its nothing compared to that hat she's wearing when she's inexplicably sitting in the back of a limo. Also, is she wearing a jumpsuit with side cut outs and harem legs and glitter? That's in style now?! I really, really don't think my boy Tim Gunn would approve [though that jumpsuit does have more imagination than anything anyone has created on this season of Project Runway so maybe that fact alone would get him excited].

And Leighton's wearing those really long acrylic nails that I hate, you know those kind that the lady who is cashing you out at the supermarket is wearing and the whole time you are running through your debit card all you can hear is her tapping them impatiently and you're all like, hold your horses lady its the card machine that's slow not me and would you please stop tapping those nails because that sound is really annoying? Yeah those. Dolly Parton also wears them, but she wrote Jolene, so its cool.

Anyway, here's the video. And the hat and nails:

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Gossip Girl: Party In The USA.

Like, OMG you guys! It's election night! I haven't been this excited since, you know, election night last year when a tear might have formed in my eye when my boy Barack won! But who cares about that history making nonsense when Tripp Vanderbilt is running for Congress, Nate has actual lines to say, Blair got a face full of cake, and drunken celebrities and call girls were running about! USA! USA! USA! USA!

In a completely stunning turn of events, this episode focused on Nate and featured Vanessa heavily...and it wasn't annoying! Gossip Girl really has never had an episode like this - one could even say it was "Micheal Mann political thriller-esque" - but it worked surprisingly well. This episode drove home the point that our little GG-ers are growing up and moving out in the real world, where stuff has actual consequences besides who gets yogurt dumped on them while they sit on the MET steps. [My favorite Micheal Mann movie though is The Last of the Mohicans, so until Daniel Day Lewis is running about the Upper East Side, I don't really care if Plastered Patrick gets cast in his movie]

Of course the kind of consequences these characters deal with are pretty ludicrous - most 18 year olds don't have to worry about the success of their new hotel, political careers, telling embarrassing stories about their boyfriends on national television, or keeping their jobs at a high powered PR firm. But this is Gossip Girl, so its not like I show up expecting real life or anythang.

All that stuff is pretty ridiculous, so it was kind of refreshing to see Serena push Blair into a cake, because immature 18 year olds do shit like that. [At least it wasn't a slushie!] Also, it was just kind of funny to see Blair with red, white and blue frosting on her face. Anywayz, Serena and Blair each told the other one they were immature, and they were both right - each lady still has a lot of growing up to do. Blair thinks she's moving on up because she's in college and she's going steady, but everyone knows she secretly wishes she was still in high school where she had minions at her beck and call. Blair is basically a terrible friend as evidenced by the fact that she can't make any at NYU, and sooner or later she's going to have to learn to be selfless once in awhile. But then again, she managed to snag Chuck Bass so what do I know. Serena on the other hand, thinks she's big and bad because of her real life job - until Blair reminded her that she's essentially a working girl of another kind, seeing as she's getting paid to give Patrick "the girlfriend experience." She also dresses regularly like a prostitute, and she doesn't even get paid for that! Good thing an actual call girl - named Brandeis?! - was at the party so Serena didn't have to feel too bad about herself!

Who did need to feel bad about themselves this week was Dan, who got a lame nickname from Jimmy Fallon of all people which makes it even lamer, and who forgot his one month anniversary with Olivia. Jimmy Fallon has been all about the TV guest appearance lately, as he also appeared on 30 Rock last week. It should be noted however that he only tweeted about being on 30 Rock, so clearly he was prouder of running at Tracy Morgan/Jordan with an axe than he was about coming up with the nickname "Bathroom Boy." As he should be really, because this whole storyline was undercooked and kind of pointless. I thought Olivia had revealed something deep and dark about Dan, but it turned out to be something stupid. And didn't we see their first date? And wasn't it nothing like Dan described? This Dan and Olivia relationship has about as much continuity as Serena's personality [so in other words, none].

But the real star of the show was Nate, who spoke more lines this episode than the entire two previous seasons combined. But come on, it was obvious that Nate didn't stage that fake drowning to up Tripp's poll numbers because that would have required brain cells that kid clearly does not possess. Just setting up Vanessa with the fake NY1 lady probably took up his "thinking quota" for like, the year. But I think Tripp will bring a lot to the show actually - even though the fact that he is a Congressman at 26 is insane - especially if the whole Serena dynamic gets played up. Nothing spells scandal like having an affair with an under 21 socialite! Also, was it just me or did it seem like Tripp's crafty wife was kind of macking on Grandfather? Double scandal!

Speaking of scandal, Chuck Bass put the Vanderbilt campaign headquarters in a suite that had a picture of woman's crotch in panties hanging on the wall. This is why I love the man.

So next week is the much hyped - and apparently indecent! - threesome episode. Whatever, Parents Television Council you should know by know that Gossip Girl scandal is scandal-lite. Also, that teenagers don't actually watch Gossip Girl as much as gay men and 20 something girls do [I mean I think at least. I don't know any teenagers, except for the ones I watch on Gossip Girl. And my brother, but he doesn't really count.] But I can tell already it probably won't live up to the OMGolly! hype because the promo doesn't feature Britney's 3. I mean, really?!

There is a hit song about threesomes and you don't use it to promote your episode about a threesome?!