Thursday, December 18, 2008

Yay/ Nay.


Aaron Rose is done with Gossip Girl!

The LA Times is reporting that the mid-season finale of Gossip Girl was the last appearance of the skeezy, greasy and fictional incarnation of Justin Bobby, Aaron Rose. While I am very heartened by this news since his character was well,unwashed, gross, annoying, and worst of all self-righteously sober [Sober people aren't that fun in real life, so they're really not that fun on TV], I am kind of concerned at how quickly he seems to have been disposed of. Does he just randomly decide to stay in Argentina? Did he join la revoluciĆ³n and now wanders around the streets singing Oh What A Circus, Oh What A Show?! Seriously, I need to like read the Wikipedia article for Argentina or something, since apparently all I know about it I learned from Evita.

This is the part Aaron Rose will play in the remake. [Blake Lively would also be surprisingly good in Madonna's part I think. Coincidence!]:

Lost is returning soon!

There are basically no shows on TV worth watching anymore, as Grey's Anatomy has become a show merely about lesbians and ghost sex and the Hills is apparently not just fake,but you know, like really fake. Okay, so maybe those shows weren't worth watching in the first place. But next month Lost is coming back - and with it the creepiest, craziest and most awesome man on TV, Henry Gale. Excuse me, Benjamin Linus. I hope Lost isn't completely ruined now that the we're-trapped-on-a-desert-island-and-omfg-how-are-we-going-to-get-off? formula is done, but so long as Henry Gale is on this show I will watch it. Also, bring back the polar bears!

Not as intense as a Henry Gale/ John Locke scene [which are unfailingly awesome], but still good:



Christmas sucks, and it sucks even more when you are broke. My intense disdain for the most joyful time of year means I usually identify most with good old Ebenezer Scrooge. But this year, I'm more of a Bob Cratchit. Or a Tiny Tim. Just without the "God bless us everyone" nonsense. Or the crutches.

What ever happened to The Magical World of Disney, btw? And Donald Duck is a fucking genius and I probably watched this cartoon about 500 times as a kid, and it almost makes me like Christmas again. Almost:

American news!

So George W. Bush ducking two shoes thrown at him will undoubtedly go down as the highlight of his presidency, but American news outlets just did not do the incident justice. Sure, I watched the incident like 3 times in a row on, but then I discovered that the BBC had compiled a montage in which they not only showed the throwing from several different angles, but also in slo-motion. Genius! Leave it to the Brits to have the better version of anything televised.

Oh look! Someone has taken the BBC footage and added thought bubbles with translations!

Monday, December 15, 2008

The Hills: The Shadiest Wedding in the History of the World.


If a guy who was sporting a crazy beard that made him look like he just rolled out of the woods smuggled me off to Mexico where he got me wasted on tequila only to tell me that he had brought me to a foreign country with the sole intention of marrying me - secretly! - away from all my family and friends because they would just interfere with the creepy It's only the two of us forever and ever and ever and ever and Oh? you know that stalker song by the Police? Yeah that will be our wedding song vibe, I would you know, think it was weird.

Oh, but not Heidi Montag! No! To her, its romantic! Really, if I get married I would want the guy to tell me he was madly in love with me, not as Spencer so eloquently put it, "madly obsessed" with me. To um, each her own? I guess?

I know Us Weekly [Who of course just "happened" to be in Mexico at the exact same time and the exact same place of the "secret" wedding Spencer "secretly" planned before he even left LA] published Spencer and Heidi's wedding vows, but I don't buy it. I think this is how Spencer's vows really went:

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I'll be watching you

Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
Hills cameras will be watching you

And I'm sure Heidi's vows went something like:

Yes, dear leader. I love you dear leader. Let's get married dear leader. Why yes I will serve you champagne while wearing a slutty bikini and high heels and a crucifix necklace dear leader. Would you like a vat of my special recipe grape Kool-Aid to wash that champagne down dear leader?

Or, something akin to that.

Aside from the creepiest wedding to happen outside a cult compound, Whitney left LA. Oh tear sob. Lauren can't handle herself now that Whitney isn't there to listen to her non-existant man problems - I mean seriously, like LC needed anyone's advice on that painfully obvious Doug [non]situation. Lo must be rejoicing because now she gets Lauren and Whitney's former screen time all to herself [for ever and ever and ever and ever....].

And poor Whitney, she doesn't know how to go grocery shopping in the city! [Because LA is you know, not a real city - just some imaginary happy place where its always sunset and the palm trees are always green and its always a comfortable 76 degrees] Does she take a cab? Does she ride a bike? Why yes Whitney dear, I have done both of those! Well, not ride a bike because I don't know how, but my roommate has. Or you could do something really novel and walk back and forth from the grocery store! I know that sounds impossible what with the sheer physical strength it takes to carry grocery bags, but I did that exact thing yesterday and guess what? I lived to tell the tale. Amazing! Sure, I can't cook to save my life so like 75% of what I buy is Lean Cuisine, but hey, I am pretty sure all Whitney eats is alfalfa sprouts. So I think she can handle it.

By the way, there is no reason Audrina exists on this show anymore. Her character self could really be doing other things now. Like making B-horror movies that 4 people will watch with all the mad acting skillz she exhibits on the show.

Lauren also serves no purpose on this show anymore....and isn't it like her show or something?

Bring back Nana Pratt!!!! I bet there is some drama at the senior center!!!!

Oh, and I stole that picture from Perez. Whatevs.

This week's playlist.

1. I Feel It All - Feist
2. Signs - Bloc Party
3. Sundown - Gordon Lightfoot
4. Prabhujee - Ravi Shankar
5. The Joker - Steve Miller Band
6. Numb/Encore - Linkin Park and Jay-Z [I only like Linkin Park when they are Jay-Z's backup band btw]
7. Barely Breathing - Duncan Sheik
8. My Guy - Mary Wells
9. Aux Champs Elysees - Joe Dassin
10. Everytime - Lincoln Hawk [Yes, a fake song by a fake band. Thanks GG]

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Barack is an evil genius.

So today I got an email from Barack Obama - well not from him I am sure, but whatever - telling me that if I donated $35 or more I can get a limited edition four year calendar featuring pictures of Barack and his family on the campaign trail.

Damnitt Barack! You must know that there are people out there like me who find you adorable and would want 12x4 months of pictures of you! And that you can exploit us to give you money even after you have been elected president! Genius!

Too bad this is a RECESSION and I have no money and I need a new job ASAP, so sadly I don't have $35 to waste on a calendar. Seriously, if I bought this calendar it would be akin to me buying a N*Sync calendar circa 8th grade and 1998. And yes, we all know I am buying this calendar, because really Barack what do you still need donations for? To produce your weekly YouTube vlogs? [They are kind of eloquent and awesome, but still] To pay Shakira for appearing at your ingauration? To start up the Big 3's bailout fund?

Oh hey! There is an option for poor people like me! If you donate $25 you still get a WINTER HAT. Which you will need, since donating only $25 means you are probably a poor graduate student who tries to not use the heat in their apartment whenever they can because it you know, costs money.

And awesomely, the email ends with this:If you order by December 15th, delivery is guaranteed before December 25th.

I know I will be asking for some change under my Christmas tree come December 25th!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Gossip Girl: Don't Cry For Me Argentina.

So many questions!

What kind of mother lets her teenage daughter go gallivanting around Argentina with her skeezy unwashed college-aged bf? Why does Erik only appear once every 3 months for 2.4 seconds? [It's like he lives in Brigadoon! What, too many musical references already?] Why does Little J refuse to wear pants? Why does Serena never wear appropriate clothing, whether it is for Thanksgiving dinner or her step-father's funeral or breakfast with grandma? What kind of bakery actually makes apricot muffins? Why is Chuck Bass freakin' hot even when he is a straight up hot mess? And most importantly, is Lincoln Hawk the greatest band that never was?! [You know, aside from Spinal Tap.]

Seriously, if Lincoln Hawk released that one song that they apparently have I would buy it because its hella catchy. And I would probably buy both versions off iTunes - the rocking version from that Rolling Stone made-up "Forgotten Bands of the 90s" soiree and the sad sitting alone in my Williamsburg loft acostic version from tonight's show. CW, why have you not thought about this cross promotion?! And Rolling Stone when are you actually releasing your "Forgotten Bands of the 90s" list? Now that Barack is elected and Britney is come-back'ed you must be running out of stuff to put on your cover.

UPDATE: So apparently, you can buy this song on iTunes as it is on the Gossip Girl soundtrack. But alas, you can only get it if you download the entire album. Laaaaaaaaaame. Thank god YouTube is here to fulfill my obsession. Also, who sings this song really?


People died and secret love babies were revealed and stuff, so maybe I should talk about that.

Okay, is it just me or is this whole "accident" still unsatisfyingly mysterious? I thought the PI was in the limo with Bart, so why is he still kickin' it around town? Whatever. This show lets teenagers into New York bars without even a fake ID, so I probably shouldn't question their car accident logistics.

And, um, Emmy for Ed Westwick please? Allright, that might be a much - but come on! When that single tear ran down his face when Blair embraced him a tear almost formed in my eye. Almost. But his drunken ranting and raving and near throw down with Dan was awesome, and Chace Crawford look frightened the entire time, like he was afraid he might accidently get wailed in his beautiful face.

And Elinor and the English teacher from Clueless are cute! There is no way Aaron is his son btw - who did that casting?! The only good thing I can say about Aaron is that he gave a shout out to the Rhode Island and Providence Plantations when he told Dan he had a 401 area code [represent!]. But seriously, is he still in school @ RISD? Because I mean I know the Prov and New York aren't that far apart, but shouldn't he still be here in Providence with me? Well, not with me. I wouldn't want him standing within 20 feet of me.

And the simple fact that Rufus and Lily have a love child better not be the end of this story - I mean it's scandalous but not scandalous. If these people are supposedly representative of the Upper East Side, it makes me believe shit like this goes down all the time and that there is probably more than one love child floating about. So who is the secret child? Serena? Erik? Blair? Aaron? Dorota? Time will hopefully tell.

Alas, I have to wait a month for new GG - lame! And I swear to god if Chuck Bass actually falls to his death as the preview promises I will probably cry. Well not really, but he better not die!!!11

And while Serena is off enjoying Xmas in Argentina I will be spending it in Detroit [joy!]. Maybe I will just go listen to Evita.

The Madonna version of course.

Monday, December 8, 2008

This Week's Playlist.

1. Instant Karma! - John Lennon [RIP. & I promise not to make fun of Yoko Ono today, which I am prone to do.]
2. Halo - Beyonce
3. La La Love You - the Pixies
4. Ohio - Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young
5. Babylon - David Gray
6. Fortunate Son - CCR
7. Miss Independent - Ne-Yo
8. Forgive Me - Leona Lewis
9. C'mon C'mon - the Von Bondies
10. Phonography - Britney Spears

Friday, December 5, 2008

I love anyone who can rhyme golddigger and twitter.

I love me some Kanye, but I think I love me some Stephen Colbert more. And you have to give Stephen credit for starting a feud with Kanye voluntarily, as I am sure 50 Cent probably wouldn't even do that.

Kanye may claim that he is "the voice of a generation of this decade" but all his computer prowess amounts to is blogging in all caps. Stephen on the other hand has managed to get followers to fuck up the Wikipedia article for elephants, get a bridge in Hungary named after him, got George Lucas himself to participate in his Star Wars-themed green screen challenge, and most impressively launched an actual vaguely legitimate presidential campaign. Sponsered by Doritos! [If I wasn't so enamored with Barack Obama and his ears I probably would have written Stephen's name in on the ballot]

Now the Colbert Nation has managed to knock Kanye off the top spot on iTunes, and in response Kanye has unleashed a venemous attack via Twitter [?!] saying, "Who the fuck is Stephen Colbert?" The Colbert Nation was probably unwittingly aided by BritBrit, as Circus is apparently killing it in sales, so chances are Kanye's days at #1 were numbered anyway. But apparently, A Colbert Christmas is at number 2 and 808s & Heartbreak is now at number 4. So congrats Stephen!

I have to say that I am totally on Team Stephen when it comes to this feud, as I am all about good natured and simulanteously hillarious internet sabotage. But now that Stephen has taken on the American presidential race, iTunes, and the entire country of Hungary - what else is left for him? Getting a spot in the Obama cabinet? Rigging all the phone lines so he wins American Idol? Getting all professional team mascots [not just for the Saginaw minor league hockey team] named after him? Actually winning an Emmy and not losing to some random singer/ entertainer long past his prime?

Anyway, the video is fucking hilarious. And please, please, please Kanye go on the Colbert Report. You can totally be his new token black friend! Hurry before Stephen asks 50 Cent instead.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Yay/ Nay.


Circus - Britney Spears

I inexplicably love Britney, and this song is ridiculously catchy. [It's this week's Single Ladies!] I like it so much in fact that my tickets for Britney's tour are already on pre-order! And the video? Um, awesome. It's like I'm a Slave 4 U set at the circus - which I would say is a good thing. Also, a tear formed in my eye during Britney: For the Record, which is probably a sign of the distressed and stressed mental state I am in right now, as Britney Spears is making me cry. [Also, when is someone releasing the inevitable Circus vs. Rainy Day Women mash up?!]

A put on a show kinda girl:

Top Chef

Actually, I am addicted to Fabio on Top Chef. He's Italian! And he has an accent! And he's from Firenze! Home to the David! And honest to god his name is Fabio! Perfect! I am pretty sure Padma and Gail are in love with him, and Ted Allen probably will be too as soon as he makes his requisite appearances this season. Also, he doesn't suck so I am going to call it now and say Fabio probably makes it to the finale. You heard it here first.

4:40 mark. Soup? You gotta be kidding me!!


Grey's Anatomy

Two words: ghost. sex. Grey's has jumped the shark about twenty times but with this Izzie/Dead Denny/ Alex storyline they just jumped the Great White from Jaws. The only bright spot might be that it could signal the complete breakdown of Izzie Stevens and therefore hopefully her departure from the show. She's annoying. And I think Katherine Hiegl might be attempting to make her more annoying than ever before in retribution for that whole Emmy fiasco. Definitely no Emmy for you now Katherine!! [Though at this point, that might not be your fault].

Thank you Joel McHale:

The Grammys

Lil Wayne?!!?!!! For serious?! I can't understand a word he says....ever! And Coldplay is kind of obnoxious, but whatevs, who else would you nominate? I am pretty sure Alicia Keys got robbed, but then again, the Grammys do love her - so maybe its time to give someone else a shot. But hey, I'm so not disappointed that Paper Planes is up for record of the year! Just mildly disappointed that it probably never would have gotten that nomination if it wasn't for a Seth Rogen movie trailer. Though now that M.I.A. is all upset that she doesn't get shot at as much in New York as she did back home in Sri Lanka and that this is really cramping her style, what's she going to do with a Grammy Nomination?! Retire or something?

Fly like paper get high like planes:

The Hills: "Why you bangin' Justin Bobby?"

Yes Lauren, answer Brody's question.
Fine, by now I guess we've established that LC never banged the JB, thank god. [Also, JB is basically Serena Van Der Woodsen's bf Aaron Rose, but in real life. Yes?]

What else happened?
Audrina cried, LC looked vaguely concerned, Lo has no problems that aren't LC's, Brody was a shirtless jerk, Audrina's sister acted wise, Whitney also acted wise, Chiara acted wise too, Grandma Pratt was wise because she is old, no one who is a cast member - besides Whitney - acted wise at all, Stephanie apparently never sees her grandma, Heidi sucked up, and Spencer used the word "janky."

So basically business as usual.

It does stand to be mentioned I think that the scene with Grandma Pratt was ridamndiculous, and pretty sad that Spencer's only BFF is apparently his grandma. But hey, apparently she makes good lemonade, so whatever floats your boat Spencer.

LC and Audrina are friends [again], so this rumor was pointless. And next week Whitney leaves for NYC- nooooooooooooooo! She is the only cast member that is mildly sensible. Even if she dresses like she shops at a Salvation Army circa 1992.

What else is set to happen next week? Oh, I forget.

Also, I Googled Imaged "Nana Pratt" and I got pictures of a tornado in Pratt, Kansas. I feel this is telling.

This week's playlist.

1. Circus - Britney Spears
2. Green Light - John Legend
3. Dark Eyes - Bob Dylan
4. Me & Bobby McGee - Janis Joplin
5. Ignition - R. Kelly
6. Sunday Bloody Sunday - U2
7. Everyday - Rogue Wave
8. Loch Lomond - Runrig
9. Suerte - Shakira
10. Alice's Restaurant - Arlo Guthrie

Gossip Girl: How Chuck Stole My Heart in a Sequined Tux.

I have long thought that Willy Wonka [in his Gene Wilder incarnation] might be my perfect man, considering his fashion sense is insane, he can throw down literary quotes like whoa, and most importantly, he owns a chocolate factory.
And then there is Chuck Bass, the only man on the Upper East Side who can dress like Willy Wonka for a high school dance and pull it off. God bless him.

In other news, Dan was smart enough to never knock on Norman Mailer's door and some random chick named Lexie who appeared out of nowhere thought that was kind of wimpy. [It was Norman Mailer for godssakes!!! I read The Naked and the Dead and anyone that is capable of writing that would probably cut you. Wise move Humphrey, wise move] Oh, and now Serena apparently goes to rare bookshops and buys old copies of Rilke. Bitch please. I'm an English grad student and I don't wander around buying first editions of Rilke.

And Aaron Rose is dirty and grody and Lexie was right his "art" does look like a Gap ad. [which means I totally believe he's a RISD grad] Take a shower ASAP. Thanks.

And Lily and Rufus are getting all googly-eyed over each other again, and that's fucking creepy because Serena and Dan are getting all googly-eyed over each other again. Lily's secret better be freakin' awesome as well since they are dragging it over like 20 episodes. Drugs?! Attempted suicide?! Pregnancy!? Murder?! [Like mother, like daughter] Lesbianism!? [Like mother, like son] Whatever it is next week she slaps Chuck - so yay!! Snap, now that Bart kicked the bucket, does she have to raise him? Sucks for her.

Ummmm...Jenny has nothing better to worry about now except organizing her dad's vinyl and agonizing over whether Muddy Waters is blues or classic rock [I'm going with blues, but whatevs]. She's as annoying as ever, and her hair just gets uglier and uglier every week. At least that evil eyeliner is gone.

Nate + Vanessa = true love!!!11 [until next week anyway]

Funeral next week!!! And Chuck is back to making ridiculous schemes. Glorious.