Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Gossip Girl: Jagged Little Pill.

Oh my beloved little GG, there were a few episodes this season I was worried about you. You know, when you tried to convince us that Serena was actually interested in politics. But with this episode, oh this glorious episode - which was, dare I say, probably the best of the season - you have redeemed yourself.

This year we've essentially gotten two seasons of GG, the fall series which focused on Serena and Nate and this spring series which is focusing on Chuck and Jenny [And if this show was on cable, each of those halves actually would be its own season]. And honestly, that massive break between the two was the best thing that could have happened. It gave the show a chance to course correct itself before it veered off a bridge and crashed into some wolves - oh wait, in the reality of the fictional universe that occurred! - and get back to Chuck Bass, who is the only person worth caring about.

Of course, everything isn't completely fixed - Dan and Vanessa are zzzZZZzzZZZzzz, Rufus is clueless, Serena thinks she's not a prostitute, Blair has no friends, Chuck is the richest homeless person in New York and Jenny almost got date raped [again!].

Okay, let us start our weekly discussion my dear reader with Dan and Vanessa because frankly, I just want to get it over with. So D and V have been dating for a grand total of....two weeks? Does shit move in real time on this show? Like 24? Or is the time line all collapsed and condensed like Lost? Does it matter on this show? [Answer: No, resoundingly, no.] But anyway, Vanessa is already all upset that her and Dan are in a "rut," mainly because she thinks all they do is exactly what they did as BFFs except for the you know, benefits.

Which is true, because Dan and Vanessa already did everything together so essentially they have long functioned like a couple - an old married couple at that, with all their stupid bickering - so the fact that they sit at home and eat noodles sounds about right. So Vanessa panicked and took relationship advice from Serena, which you should only do if you are indeed panicked, and decided that to spice the love life up with Dan she would dress up like a character from one of his favorite movies.

Which, okay, role playing, fun! But of all movies, in all the world, you had to pick Rear Window Vanessa?! Now I'm not dissing Rear Window, that movie is pretty awesome, but when I think of hot sexy times it's not the first thing that comes to mind. Sure, Jimmy Stewart is adorable and Grace Kelly's wardrobe is bananas [Omg, seriously, did I just type that?!] but it involves murder!!!! I don't know what kind of weird kinky shit you're into Vanessa but I generally find that death and murder kill the mood.

So things got all awkward when Rufus showed up to eat flan, and V stormed out and Dan saved the day by showing up at her dorm with pierogi. Look, I'm Polish/Slovak so showing up at my doorstep with pierogi would basically melt my heart. So be my bf, Dan?!

Side note - I couldn't concentrate on anything else in that scene where Dan and Vanessa want to tell everyone they are together [pictured above!] except for V's earrings because they looked exactly like these beaded charms that were all the rage when I was like 11 and at Girl Scout camp:

Anyhow, all of this could have been avoided if Vanessa just wised up to the fact that you shouldn't really listen to Serena about anything, let alone relationships. See Vanessa, Serena and Nate have crazy sex all the time because there is nothing else to their relationship, mainly because there isn't anything else in those beautiful blond heads of theirs. You and Dan both at least know who Hitchcock is and would go to some obscure film festive together, so be thankful for that.

Serena and Nate on the other hand are so thick that they didn't realize Blair brought a bunch of prostitutes to her mom's fashion show [stay classy!], which I mean, come on. Nate you are Chuck Bass' BFF and also, you're dating a hooker. God, I need to stop being so mean to Serena. Sisterhood! Women's rights! And stuff! But buy a skirt that actually covers your lady parts and then we'll talk Serena.

But Blair had to bring her pay by the hour friends to Eleanor's fashionz show because she has no real friends in real life, since everyone finds her annoying at NYU. Which is true, I probably wouldn't be friends with Blair if I knew her in real life, but man is she awesome to watch on TV!

So next year Blair will probably transfer to Columbia, now that she's free of all that "Oops I blackmailed a teacher so now its hard to get into college" nonsense, where she'll run wild training her headband wearing minions and probably hook up with Nate again. It's gonna be totes fun!

You know what else is going to be fun? Chuck's upcoming efforts to take down Jack Bass [which as K Fig pointed out, when said quickly does sort of sound like "jackass." I see what you did there writers!]. Chuck's mother kicked him out of Hotel Empire, then claimed she wasn't his mother, even though she is, then told Jack she didn't love him, even though she does, or something. God seriously if this is the last we see of her, what a pointless character. But at least we finally figured out where her kind of accent is from! She's from Switzerland! Now can I have some Lindt please?

And lastly, let us talk about our dear Little J. Oh Jenny, you left a bag of drugs alone with a bunch of models?! And you thought nothing bad would come of that?! And you want to work in fashion!? Get it together girl!

So Agnes drugged Jenny to get her back for all that drama that went down last year between them that I don't fully recall except that someone burned someone else's dresses. Wait, didn't someone want to be emancipated from their parents? Or some such nonsense? Whatever, it doesn't matter because Agnes fakely welcomed Jenny back into her life with a hug and an "I love you bitch!" That's really all you need to know.

Agnes then threw Jenny's drugged ass at some drunk, horny bachelor party attendees and left her to fend for herself. You're such a nice friend, bitch! Of course Nate saw her being kidnapped and being the knight in shining armor that he is used some crazy creeper stalker smartphone app that I discovered ACTUALLY EXISTS IRL to locate her.

Even though Jenny was on the verge of death she managed to sober up in 2.3 seconds to fool Rufus and it was, for lack of a better term, ridiculous. I love when Rufus grounds Jenny because she always gets into more trouble than when she's not, and as a general rule, Rufus remains oblivious to the fact. Father of the year award!

But I have to say I kind of love Hot Mess Jenny, because she's a lot more interesting to watch than Annoying Brat Wannabe Queen Jenny. And now she has a crush on Nate -again! -and her fighting with her step sister over a boy is going to be stupid fun.

So in closing, I realized Monday night that there actually is a 13th Way to Make A Ke$ha:

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

This Week's Playlist.

1. Ring Ring - Sleigh Bells

2. Map of the World - Monsters of Folk [thanks

3. Run Through The Jungle - Creedence Clearwater Revival [thanks

4. Shine A Light - The Rolling Stones

5. Tightrope - Janelle Mon

6. Bloodbuzz Ohio - The National

7. Forced to Love/All to All - Broken Social Scene

8. Check On It - Beyonce

9. Storms - Fleetwood Mac

10. Motor City Is Burning - MC5

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Gossip Girl: Like a Virgin.

I laughed so hard through this entire episode of Gossip Girl, and I am not entirely sure I was supposed to. But, come on, when Blair uses the word "haberdashery" within the first 2 minutes you know its going to be a ridiculous hour [more so than usual anyway].

The gist of the episode? Jenny's a virgin, Serena's a slut, Chuck's a sexual harasser, Dan and Vanessa are friends with benefits [in certain zones] and it only appeared that Rufus had hot scarf sex with his neighbor.

So let's talk about sex, shall we?

Oh Jenny, Jenny, Jenny. There's this part in An Education after Carey Mulligan has been duped by a scheming older man [sound familiar?!] and she comes all repentant back to her school's headmistress Emma Thompson about basically being a "ruined woman" and Emma's all like "You're not a woman." Emma's right of course, because she's Emma freakin' Thompson.

I'd actually recommend this movie for you more than Dirty Dancing Jenny, but then how could you listen to "The Time Of My Life" on your VCast phone and pick up some product placement ca$h?!

Anyway, the point is, when we're 16 we think we're older than we actually are and its usually not until we actually are older do we realize our mistake. Sure, parents, older siblings and friends, etc., can all tell us we're being stupid but golly gee, they just don't understand what being young was like anymore! Oh the angst!

So poor Jenny, skipping school to be with Damien, who, let's be real, is just a horny drug pedaling douchebag. Also since he went to boarding school with Serena, isn't this situation sort of...statutory?! He's definitely no Johnny Castle! [And you don't get that reference Jenny, because you don't even know what Dirty Dancing is you heathen. Kids these days. When I was younger my mom was like, "You should watch Dirty Dancing. I think you're old enough for that now." Then we bought the VHS at a garage sale and I think that was her version of "the talk." Hi mom! Love you!]

But Jenny, when even Serena Van der Slutsen tells you not to sleep with a guy because he's probably bad news, you probably shouldn't sleep with him. Because Serena will sleep with basically anyone. Was that mean? Too bad it's true! Yet Jenny, wise and sage 16 year old that she is, decides its a spectacular idea to lose her virginity to a Belgian drug dealer. Sigh. Though, to be fair, Damien does have some pretty great hair.

Of course in the end she doesn't, because Damien is all callous and jerky about it, which, bravo Jenny way to have a spine. But then, she lies to Serena -of all people! - and lets her know that Little J's V card has been swiped. Because its cool to be a slut? Or something? Ugggghhh Jenny!

Serena meanwhile is all sad and remorseful that she didn't lose her virginity to someone special, a moral crisis she already went through in the first season when Dan made her paper snowflakes or some shit. So that was boring. Because it already happened.

And Nate was all mopey because he lost his virginity to Serena at a wedding on a bar when he was still dating Blair [Ahahahahhaahahaha God these people. Stay classy!] and the next day Serena packed up for boarding school leaving him sad and lonely. But now they're together! And they bang all the time! But they love each now! So its totally awesome! Actually I don't think Serena and Nate love each other as much as they love banging each other, but its cool guys. You'll have to get broken up for sweeps anyway.

Meanwhile across town, unlike Jenny, Chuck was getting into trouble for having too much sexytime. Or some of his employees were suing him for sexual harassment. Or something. You can never really tell with this show. Hey while you're at it ladies, remember those times Chuck almost raped his now step-sisters?! Creepy, huh?

But that's all behind us, because Chuck has reformed himself and he apologized to Jenny [but never to Serena!], so we're supposed to know now that all these accusations are false. We also know that Uncle Jack is behind it, because he showed up out of the blue sporting a creeper beard! Also when Uncle Jack tried to rape Lily at the Opera, Chuck came to her defense! So Chuck's the good guy now! [SERIOUSLY THESE PEOPLE.]

In Uncle Jack's defense though, he gave Lily what might be the best apology in the history of well, ever: " I was drinking. Took some over-the-counter pills they started keeping behind the counter. And some meth." Glad that's cleared up!

Speaking of meth, I'm probably going to have to take some if I'm going to have to keep dealing with Dan and Vanessa together. It just skeeves me out. And now I know why thanks to Rufus, who pointed out that Vanessa practically lives with the Humphreys and is therefore practically Dan's sister. Gah! Again with the dating of you sister[ish] person Dan!

Meet some new people Dan! Join a book club! Volunteer at a soup kitchen! Go to someplace in New York that isn't Brooklyn or the Upper East Side! Freaking talk to some other people in your college classes! I would even advise you to join match.com but one summer afternoon I was kind of bored and an ad popped up for it on my Facebook so I decided I would see what the heck it was like, so I made a stupid profile and everything and then I realized it was basically just a creepy/sleazy Facebook that you have to pay for [!!!!!] so after that roughly 15 minutes I was done with it. But in an attempt to hook me in they emailed me my first "matches" for free, and do know who my best match was? Some guy I already knew in real life! So don't go to match.com Dan, you'll probably end up finding some long lost sister you never knew you had. There is after all already one long lost Humphrey sibling, so why can't there be two!?

Lastly, I suppose we should discuss Rufus and Lily but, just.....
I am pretty over those two at this point. The writers spent so much time in the first two seasons keeping them apart that now that they're together it's like all the show knows how to do is continue finding ludicrous reasons to still keep them apart. How long have they been married? And of that short time, how much time have they actually spent together?! These non "fights" are just getting taxing and annoying now, and in all honesty I care more about the kids on this show than their parents.

At least Billy Baldwin is coming! And next week! Next week looks spectacular:

1. The episode name is "The Empire Strikes Jack" - I love your pun-y episode names GG, especially when they are about something dear to my heart, like Star Wars.
2. Brandeis the call girl is back!
3. Agnes is back! And she brings drugs!
4. Jenny gets drugged! After she breaks up with a drug dealer! Oh, sweet irony.
5. Blair saying "Prostitutes are people too."

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Gossip Girl: It's a Hard Knock Life.

Gossip Girl has returned my friends! And Serena is still slutty, Blair is still scheming, Dan is still lovesick, Nate is still a pretty-boy airhead, Chuck is still rocking purple Willy Wonka suits, Jenny is still sewing ugly clothing, and Rufus and Lily are still arguing about something dumb. In other words, even though the earth is basically shaking itself apart with earthquakes, some things are still right in the world.

It was indeed comforting to hear the dulcet tones of Gossip Girl herself again after what seemed like a far too long hiatus, and she welcomed us back into the fold with some of her classiest narration yet, opening the episode by quoting Dickens [this is a lot classier than that time she opened an episode by quoting James Frey].

It was an appropriate beginning of course, because Chuck Bass' life has suddenly been transformed into every Victorian novel ever: Rich orphans! Lockets! Long lost mothers! Long lost mothers who are whores! Paging Oliver Twist/ David Cooperfield/ Cosette/ Jane Eyre/ Eliza Doolittle/ the Slumdog Millionaire!

The difference obviously is that in the Victorian trope, the orphans usually come into a vast fortune as a reward for their virtue and innocence, but Chuck Bass is well...Chuck Bass. Though he's been strangely good lately, hasn't he? Well I mean he does have a gf who is willing to dress like a slutty Anna Karenina for him [Whoa, weirdly literary episode, huh?], but he's not scamming anyone, calling up hookers or doing blow anymore, so we'll say he's shaping up.

And of course Elizabeth is actually Chuck's mother, and of course she's lying about it, and of course Blair can see through that noise, and of course we know she's lying because she has the other half of the locket!! Obviously, the whole "A locket is all I have left from my dead parents!" plotline is the basically the plot of Annie, so I am holding out hope that by the end of this season Chuck will break into a Glee style rendition of Tomorrow. I would settle for him actually saying "Leapin' Lizards!" too.

But in the meantime, Chuck is going to go off and sulk about the fact that he feels like he lost his mother twice even though he you know, never actually lost her once. And Blair is going to whine about getting into secret French societies that don't sound nearly as cool as the Skull & Bones, and no one will care.

Speaking of whiny people, Jenny was in the episode! A whole lot! And now that she's an international drug dealer, she's suddenly strangely not annoying. I think that's because Jenny was most irritating when she was a little brat trying to be Queen of Constance, and that whole storyline was pretty played out, but GG has essentially decided as of late that to make things easier its just going to dispense with the idea that these people actually go to any kind of school at all.

Which makes sense, because come on, there was no way Nate could get into Columbia in real life.

And now that Jenny is a high roller selling drugs with Damien to the elite of New York [and French ambassadors' daughters], she won't need school either because if she keeps it up she'll make enough cash to be richer than Lily in about 3 weeks. But there is a 400% chance the gig will be up soon, because Jenny is stupid, as made obvious by the fact that she decided to smuggle drugs into a state dinner by sewing them into some hideous sweater which she made overnight. Did she knit the sweater herself? Or just buy a sweater shrug from the thrift store and glue the drug buttons on herself? How did pills fit into those little bedazzler do-hickeys?! And wouldn't Serena notice her sweater was heavy because it was filled with pills?! So many unimportant questions about an unimportant TV show.

Normally I also would have said that the idea of foppish Little J and Second Coming of Nate Damien smuggling drugs into a state dinner would be completely ludicrous, but then this happened:

So obviously Jenny and Damien are going to hook up next week and I want to smack some sense into that girl, because with a name like Damien he has to be bad. I mean, have you seen any horror movies Little J?! Maybe, I don't know, The Omen?!

Since Damien is a bad boy himself it was only a matter of time before it was revealed that he knew Serena from her bad girl days at boarding school, even though Serena claims she's "changed. And that's a good thing." Ahahahahahaha that's funny Serena because you totally did it with Nate on Eleanor Waldorf's floor!

Like...I don't even understand. Why was Serena at Eleanor's? Why was Nate there? Why wasn't Blair there? Would it kill you to keep it in your pants for once Serena? At least until you get to a more appropriate place, like say, a coat check room? And where, oh where is Dorota so she can reign these people in again?!

I don't really have much to say about this Serena/Nate romance except that its already nauseating, and I can't wait for its inevitable end. Serena and Nate are the most vacuous and vapid purrrrtty people on this show, so putting them together is sort of like saying "Hey viewer! Tonight's Gossip Girl has been replaced by footage of a Barbie doll and GI Joe doll sitting there in their boxes! Enjoy!"

Actually do they make Zac Efron High School Musical dolls? Because that really would be the better choice to play Nate.

I KNEW IT. They do! Thanks Google Images:

Whatever, Nate is still better than Aaron Rose.

Anyway, the only thing more nauseating than Serena/Nate is going to be Dan and Vanessa and considering both of them were conspicuously absent this episode, we'll probably get a heavy dose of them next week. Even though Dan was only in this episode for a hot second, he had the audacity to tell Rufus to make his own waffles, which is the bitchiest thing to ever cross his lips. And it was awesome. Someone has been taking lessons from Blair!

Lastly, I suppose I should discuss Rufus and Lily but....their argument is so stupid I don't even have the energy. Lily kissed her ex husband so Rufus is going to bang their neighbor? Yeah, that will help the situation!

The Baldwin that isn't Alec or Stephen is supposed to be appearing soon as said ex, so at least that should be entertaining. And I hope then more is revealed about Lily's "secret" because this is just lame. Once you already have a secret love child plot line, its sort of hard to top that, so I am not even really sure what the writers are trying to accomplish with this story.

But that's the hard knock life, right? Instead of getting treated you get tricked! Like into thinking that this show might actually make sense every once in a while!

Friday, March 5, 2010

This week's playlist.

1. World Sick - Broken Social Scene

2. Ephemeral Artery - Neon Indian

3. U.R.A.Q.T. - M.I.A

4. Hanging On The Telephone - Blondie

5. Haven't Met You Yet - Michael Buble

6. Just A Closer Walk With Thee - Joan Baez

7. No Diggity - Blackstreet

8. Forever - Drake ft. Kanye West, Lil Wayne & Eminem

9. Collide - Howie Day

10. No Air - Jordin Sparks ft. Chris Brown

Thursday, March 4, 2010


Obviously my Monday nights have no meaning without Gossip Girl, so this stretch of "Stop All Programming Because the Olympics Are On!" has been excruciating [Even if watching the Olympics means I discovered that Evan Lysacek is kinda attractive. But it also means I hate Sidney Crosby even more, so you know, trade offs. I may hate Sidney Crosby but I love love love this video of a crowd in Vancouver celebrating their hockey win. The guy in the maple leaf turban who goes CRAZY, starts dancing and runs smack into a dude who is now shirtless makes my heart glow with so much happiness:]

But this Monday night Chuck Bass comes back into our lives! And in honor of our favorite well dressed teenage cad returning, here's this video I found of Chuck Bass, Sr. [aka Don Draper] talking about his love of Gossip Girl!! Okay, actually its an interview of Jon Hamm talking about working with Blake Lively in the upcoming movie The Town, but whatever. Gossip Girl and Mad Men are like my two favorite things ever so just give me this one, okay?

1. "I'm a huge Gossip Girl fan, I can't tell you! My TiVo is stuffed with the adventures of Serena!"
2. "Serena VanDerHootenFourthThird."
3. ILoveYouJonHammLet'sGetMarried.