Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Gossip Girl: Like a Virgin.

I laughed so hard through this entire episode of Gossip Girl, and I am not entirely sure I was supposed to. But, come on, when Blair uses the word "haberdashery" within the first 2 minutes you know its going to be a ridiculous hour [more so than usual anyway].

The gist of the episode? Jenny's a virgin, Serena's a slut, Chuck's a sexual harasser, Dan and Vanessa are friends with benefits [in certain zones] and it only appeared that Rufus had hot scarf sex with his neighbor.

So let's talk about sex, shall we?

Oh Jenny, Jenny, Jenny. There's this part in An Education after Carey Mulligan has been duped by a scheming older man [sound familiar?!] and she comes all repentant back to her school's headmistress Emma Thompson about basically being a "ruined woman" and Emma's all like "You're not a woman." Emma's right of course, because she's Emma freakin' Thompson.

I'd actually recommend this movie for you more than Dirty Dancing Jenny, but then how could you listen to "The Time Of My Life" on your VCast phone and pick up some product placement ca$h?!

Anyway, the point is, when we're 16 we think we're older than we actually are and its usually not until we actually are older do we realize our mistake. Sure, parents, older siblings and friends, etc., can all tell us we're being stupid but golly gee, they just don't understand what being young was like anymore! Oh the angst!

So poor Jenny, skipping school to be with Damien, who, let's be real, is just a horny drug pedaling douchebag. Also since he went to boarding school with Serena, isn't this situation sort of...statutory?! He's definitely no Johnny Castle! [And you don't get that reference Jenny, because you don't even know what Dirty Dancing is you heathen. Kids these days. When I was younger my mom was like, "You should watch Dirty Dancing. I think you're old enough for that now." Then we bought the VHS at a garage sale and I think that was her version of "the talk." Hi mom! Love you!]

But Jenny, when even Serena Van der Slutsen tells you not to sleep with a guy because he's probably bad news, you probably shouldn't sleep with him. Because Serena will sleep with basically anyone. Was that mean? Too bad it's true! Yet Jenny, wise and sage 16 year old that she is, decides its a spectacular idea to lose her virginity to a Belgian drug dealer. Sigh. Though, to be fair, Damien does have some pretty great hair.

Of course in the end she doesn't, because Damien is all callous and jerky about it, which, bravo Jenny way to have a spine. But then, she lies to Serena -of all people! - and lets her know that Little J's V card has been swiped. Because its cool to be a slut? Or something? Ugggghhh Jenny!

Serena meanwhile is all sad and remorseful that she didn't lose her virginity to someone special, a moral crisis she already went through in the first season when Dan made her paper snowflakes or some shit. So that was boring. Because it already happened.

And Nate was all mopey because he lost his virginity to Serena at a wedding on a bar when he was still dating Blair [Ahahahahhaahahaha God these people. Stay classy!] and the next day Serena packed up for boarding school leaving him sad and lonely. But now they're together! And they bang all the time! But they love each now! So its totally awesome! Actually I don't think Serena and Nate love each other as much as they love banging each other, but its cool guys. You'll have to get broken up for sweeps anyway.

Meanwhile across town, unlike Jenny, Chuck was getting into trouble for having too much sexytime. Or some of his employees were suing him for sexual harassment. Or something. You can never really tell with this show. Hey while you're at it ladies, remember those times Chuck almost raped his now step-sisters?! Creepy, huh?

But that's all behind us, because Chuck has reformed himself and he apologized to Jenny [but never to Serena!], so we're supposed to know now that all these accusations are false. We also know that Uncle Jack is behind it, because he showed up out of the blue sporting a creeper beard! Also when Uncle Jack tried to rape Lily at the Opera, Chuck came to her defense! So Chuck's the good guy now! [SERIOUSLY THESE PEOPLE.]

In Uncle Jack's defense though, he gave Lily what might be the best apology in the history of well, ever: " I was drinking. Took some over-the-counter pills they started keeping behind the counter. And some meth." Glad that's cleared up!

Speaking of meth, I'm probably going to have to take some if I'm going to have to keep dealing with Dan and Vanessa together. It just skeeves me out. And now I know why thanks to Rufus, who pointed out that Vanessa practically lives with the Humphreys and is therefore practically Dan's sister. Gah! Again with the dating of you sister[ish] person Dan!

Meet some new people Dan! Join a book club! Volunteer at a soup kitchen! Go to someplace in New York that isn't Brooklyn or the Upper East Side! Freaking talk to some other people in your college classes! I would even advise you to join match.com but one summer afternoon I was kind of bored and an ad popped up for it on my Facebook so I decided I would see what the heck it was like, so I made a stupid profile and everything and then I realized it was basically just a creepy/sleazy Facebook that you have to pay for [!!!!!] so after that roughly 15 minutes I was done with it. But in an attempt to hook me in they emailed me my first "matches" for free, and do know who my best match was? Some guy I already knew in real life! So don't go to match.com Dan, you'll probably end up finding some long lost sister you never knew you had. There is after all already one long lost Humphrey sibling, so why can't there be two!?

Lastly, I suppose we should discuss Rufus and Lily but, just.....
I am pretty over those two at this point. The writers spent so much time in the first two seasons keeping them apart that now that they're together it's like all the show knows how to do is continue finding ludicrous reasons to still keep them apart. How long have they been married? And of that short time, how much time have they actually spent together?! These non "fights" are just getting taxing and annoying now, and in all honesty I care more about the kids on this show than their parents.

At least Billy Baldwin is coming! And next week! Next week looks spectacular:

1. The episode name is "The Empire Strikes Jack" - I love your pun-y episode names GG, especially when they are about something dear to my heart, like Star Wars.
2. Brandeis the call girl is back!
3. Agnes is back! And she brings drugs!
4. Jenny gets drugged! After she breaks up with a drug dealer! Oh, sweet irony.
5. Blair saying "Prostitutes are people too."

No comments: