Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Gossip Girl: An American In Paris.

First off, sorry you have been neglected my little blog.  I got a real life job [huzzah!], had to move and then my laptop bit the dust so now I am using my old skool desktop which somehow has managed to stay alive for going on 7 years now.  It's basically magic

Second off, Gossip Girl is back!!! That means babies of questionable paternity, princes, stalkers, and one seriously Don Draper-esque move by Chuck Bass.  God bless your little trashy heart GG.

So Serena and Blair are in Paris, wearing ridiculous high waisted pink pants and gazing at Manets, respectively.  Serena just wants to bang every cute waiter she sees, while Blair is going for quality over quantity, waiting to lock lovesick gazes with someone across the Musee de Orsay.  Blair of course complains that Serena's exploits have been blowing up Gossip Girl, while her shopping trips have been anything but blog worthy.

Regardless, both girls have been living in the lap of luxury all summer - of course - staying in some super swank looking townhouse with dope black and white cushy chairs.  Let's compare this to that time I backpacked through Paris and stayed in a hotel room with 3 other girls, which meant we took turns sleeping on the pull out bed.  Also, I'm super glad your dates took you to a restaurant with crystal chandeliers girls.  That pretty much happened to me in Paris too - I mean, this one night at like 1 am my friend and I decided we were starving and the closest thing to us that was still open was McDonald's because in Europe they are all 24 hours it seems [Also, they serve beer, so its cool] so we went there. Obviously.  And two guys offered to buy us Chicken McNuggets and then drive us home.  Since we realized that was probably an invitation to end up kidnapped and in the North African sex trade or something, we politely declined and paid for our own Chicken McNuggets and went back to our hotel room and watched a French movie about a guy with a removable mustache. So you know, exact same situation.      

But unlike my encounter with some French skeezes, while she stares at her favorite Manet for the 400th time, Blair meets a prince. A prince! For the second time!  Or was that British guy a count or a duke or something? And didn't he turn out to be fake? Whatever, its not important.   But when he shows up for their now double date it turns out Prince Louis is....a driver. The horror! The horror!  But as Serena helpfully points out, he's handsome, he's French, and he likes Manet.  Suck it up Blair, that's a pretty good deal.  You could have just met some dudes whose idea of chivalry was to buy some Chicken McNuggets.

But then it turns out that Louis really is a royal, he was just running the old game on Blair to see if she really liked him for him and not his title [groan].  I am disappointed in you Blair.  I thought you were an Audrey fan! Have you never seen Roman Holiday?!   

The consequence is that Blair pushes Serena into a fountain - because what other logical conclusion is there? - angered that her blond friend once again stole the spotlight from her, and got into Columbia as well, to boot.  [Side note: If the world's standards really are that Serena, Blair and Nate all got into Columbia I should be graduating with a PhD in Astrophysics from MIT right about now.]   But the girls talked it out like responsible adults and agreed that such petty jealousies were straight up high school, which, bitchez plz.  They'll be ripping each others' hair extensions out again it about 2 weeks.

Meanwhile, back in Dan's Batcave, him and Georgina have been raising a baby named Milo, who Georgina claims Dan is the father of.  Since it's Georgina there's a like 97% chance this is a lie.  And since it's Dan, he was gullible and rolled with it.  Rufus and Lily, who now are old pros when it comes to getting scammed by bastard children, press Dan into taking a paternity test before he signs the birth certificate.

Georgina, being Georgina, claims she has already had one conducted [Um, how?] and let's Dan talk to the doctor over the phone.  Bad move Dan!  That doctor is totally one of her Russian cronies!  But since Dan will never stop being noble, he signs the birth certificate, which means Georgina is free to skip town and stick him with adorable little Milo.  Poor little Milo, your life is going to be so messed up.  Somewhere out there, in the reality of the fictional universe, there is a little girl named Sally Draper.  You two could be good friends.

Speaking of Drapers, Chuck Bass is so the new Dick Whitman.  No one else besides Chuck Bass would get shot in a Prague alley and then magically wake up being tended to by a hot Eastern European blond.  Making a hazy decision he tells said random girl that his name is actually Henry, and disappears off the grid, not even bothering to make payments on the Empire Hotel.

This new identity isn't going to make it far I don't think, considering "Henry" and his blond friend just showed up in Paris, where, surprise surprise, Blair is still.  A chance reunion at the Gare Du Nord perhaps?  That's where he was limping towards, right? I forget.  Oh and PS, once Chuck gets back to rocking his signature suits - because he will - they are going to look amazing with his new cane.  I hope he gets one with like, a crystal top or something, and he walks around looking like Oscar Wilde all the time.

And finally, Nate. Ahahahahahahahahaha Nate. He has a stalker!  The producers must be punishing Chace Crawford for that time he got arrested in some random Texas town for pot possession this summer, right?  Because he always gets stuck with the most ridiculous story lines, and this is one of the choicer ones for sure. 

Of course, it doesn't have to be ridiculous - in fact, it actually makes total sense.  Gossip Girl is always publishing every breath they make and every move they take of these kids, so much so that said stalker probably didn't even have to work too hard.  This storyline could be a comment on how far we are willing to push the boundaries of a culture that encourages us to share every single thing we do with the world without a second thought, a culture that Gossip Girl with its blog framework and text speak helped foment and popularize.  It could be a comment not just on our current Facebook/Twitter/Whatever obsessed culture, but also the show itself.

But that's too meta for GG isn't it? Thank god. My life has been missing all this shiny, meaningless veneer all summer.
So let's just think about how sparkly Blair's date dress was instead.