Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Gossip Girl: Jagged Little Pill.

Oh my beloved little GG, there were a few episodes this season I was worried about you. You know, when you tried to convince us that Serena was actually interested in politics. But with this episode, oh this glorious episode - which was, dare I say, probably the best of the season - you have redeemed yourself.

This year we've essentially gotten two seasons of GG, the fall series which focused on Serena and Nate and this spring series which is focusing on Chuck and Jenny [And if this show was on cable, each of those halves actually would be its own season]. And honestly, that massive break between the two was the best thing that could have happened. It gave the show a chance to course correct itself before it veered off a bridge and crashed into some wolves - oh wait, in the reality of the fictional universe that occurred! - and get back to Chuck Bass, who is the only person worth caring about.

Of course, everything isn't completely fixed - Dan and Vanessa are zzzZZZzzZZZzzz, Rufus is clueless, Serena thinks she's not a prostitute, Blair has no friends, Chuck is the richest homeless person in New York and Jenny almost got date raped [again!].

Okay, let us start our weekly discussion my dear reader with Dan and Vanessa because frankly, I just want to get it over with. So D and V have been dating for a grand total of....two weeks? Does shit move in real time on this show? Like 24? Or is the time line all collapsed and condensed like Lost? Does it matter on this show? [Answer: No, resoundingly, no.] But anyway, Vanessa is already all upset that her and Dan are in a "rut," mainly because she thinks all they do is exactly what they did as BFFs except for the you know, benefits.

Which is true, because Dan and Vanessa already did everything together so essentially they have long functioned like a couple - an old married couple at that, with all their stupid bickering - so the fact that they sit at home and eat noodles sounds about right. So Vanessa panicked and took relationship advice from Serena, which you should only do if you are indeed panicked, and decided that to spice the love life up with Dan she would dress up like a character from one of his favorite movies.

Which, okay, role playing, fun! But of all movies, in all the world, you had to pick Rear Window Vanessa?! Now I'm not dissing Rear Window, that movie is pretty awesome, but when I think of hot sexy times it's not the first thing that comes to mind. Sure, Jimmy Stewart is adorable and Grace Kelly's wardrobe is bananas [Omg, seriously, did I just type that?!] but it involves murder!!!! I don't know what kind of weird kinky shit you're into Vanessa but I generally find that death and murder kill the mood.

So things got all awkward when Rufus showed up to eat flan, and V stormed out and Dan saved the day by showing up at her dorm with pierogi. Look, I'm Polish/Slovak so showing up at my doorstep with pierogi would basically melt my heart. So be my bf, Dan?!

Side note - I couldn't concentrate on anything else in that scene where Dan and Vanessa want to tell everyone they are together [pictured above!] except for V's earrings because they looked exactly like these beaded charms that were all the rage when I was like 11 and at Girl Scout camp:

Anyhow, all of this could have been avoided if Vanessa just wised up to the fact that you shouldn't really listen to Serena about anything, let alone relationships. See Vanessa, Serena and Nate have crazy sex all the time because there is nothing else to their relationship, mainly because there isn't anything else in those beautiful blond heads of theirs. You and Dan both at least know who Hitchcock is and would go to some obscure film festive together, so be thankful for that.

Serena and Nate on the other hand are so thick that they didn't realize Blair brought a bunch of prostitutes to her mom's fashion show [stay classy!], which I mean, come on. Nate you are Chuck Bass' BFF and also, you're dating a hooker. God, I need to stop being so mean to Serena. Sisterhood! Women's rights! And stuff! But buy a skirt that actually covers your lady parts and then we'll talk Serena.

But Blair had to bring her pay by the hour friends to Eleanor's fashionz show because she has no real friends in real life, since everyone finds her annoying at NYU. Which is true, I probably wouldn't be friends with Blair if I knew her in real life, but man is she awesome to watch on TV!

So next year Blair will probably transfer to Columbia, now that she's free of all that "Oops I blackmailed a teacher so now its hard to get into college" nonsense, where she'll run wild training her headband wearing minions and probably hook up with Nate again. It's gonna be totes fun!

You know what else is going to be fun? Chuck's upcoming efforts to take down Jack Bass [which as K Fig pointed out, when said quickly does sort of sound like "jackass." I see what you did there writers!]. Chuck's mother kicked him out of Hotel Empire, then claimed she wasn't his mother, even though she is, then told Jack she didn't love him, even though she does, or something. God seriously if this is the last we see of her, what a pointless character. But at least we finally figured out where her kind of accent is from! She's from Switzerland! Now can I have some Lindt please?

And lastly, let us talk about our dear Little J. Oh Jenny, you left a bag of drugs alone with a bunch of models?! And you thought nothing bad would come of that?! And you want to work in fashion!? Get it together girl!

So Agnes drugged Jenny to get her back for all that drama that went down last year between them that I don't fully recall except that someone burned someone else's dresses. Wait, didn't someone want to be emancipated from their parents? Or some such nonsense? Whatever, it doesn't matter because Agnes fakely welcomed Jenny back into her life with a hug and an "I love you bitch!" That's really all you need to know.

Agnes then threw Jenny's drugged ass at some drunk, horny bachelor party attendees and left her to fend for herself. You're such a nice friend, bitch! Of course Nate saw her being kidnapped and being the knight in shining armor that he is used some crazy creeper stalker smartphone app that I discovered ACTUALLY EXISTS IRL to locate her.

Even though Jenny was on the verge of death she managed to sober up in 2.3 seconds to fool Rufus and it was, for lack of a better term, ridiculous. I love when Rufus grounds Jenny because she always gets into more trouble than when she's not, and as a general rule, Rufus remains oblivious to the fact. Father of the year award!

But I have to say I kind of love Hot Mess Jenny, because she's a lot more interesting to watch than Annoying Brat Wannabe Queen Jenny. And now she has a crush on Nate -again! -and her fighting with her step sister over a boy is going to be stupid fun.

So in closing, I realized Monday night that there actually is a 13th Way to Make A Ke$ha:

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