Monday, December 15, 2008

The Hills: The Shadiest Wedding in the History of the World.


If a guy who was sporting a crazy beard that made him look like he just rolled out of the woods smuggled me off to Mexico where he got me wasted on tequila only to tell me that he had brought me to a foreign country with the sole intention of marrying me - secretly! - away from all my family and friends because they would just interfere with the creepy It's only the two of us forever and ever and ever and ever and Oh? you know that stalker song by the Police? Yeah that will be our wedding song vibe, I would you know, think it was weird.

Oh, but not Heidi Montag! No! To her, its romantic! Really, if I get married I would want the guy to tell me he was madly in love with me, not as Spencer so eloquently put it, "madly obsessed" with me. To um, each her own? I guess?

I know Us Weekly [Who of course just "happened" to be in Mexico at the exact same time and the exact same place of the "secret" wedding Spencer "secretly" planned before he even left LA] published Spencer and Heidi's wedding vows, but I don't buy it. I think this is how Spencer's vows really went:

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I'll be watching you

Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
Hills cameras will be watching you

And I'm sure Heidi's vows went something like:

Yes, dear leader. I love you dear leader. Let's get married dear leader. Why yes I will serve you champagne while wearing a slutty bikini and high heels and a crucifix necklace dear leader. Would you like a vat of my special recipe grape Kool-Aid to wash that champagne down dear leader?

Or, something akin to that.

Aside from the creepiest wedding to happen outside a cult compound, Whitney left LA. Oh tear sob. Lauren can't handle herself now that Whitney isn't there to listen to her non-existant man problems - I mean seriously, like LC needed anyone's advice on that painfully obvious Doug [non]situation. Lo must be rejoicing because now she gets Lauren and Whitney's former screen time all to herself [for ever and ever and ever and ever....].

And poor Whitney, she doesn't know how to go grocery shopping in the city! [Because LA is you know, not a real city - just some imaginary happy place where its always sunset and the palm trees are always green and its always a comfortable 76 degrees] Does she take a cab? Does she ride a bike? Why yes Whitney dear, I have done both of those! Well, not ride a bike because I don't know how, but my roommate has. Or you could do something really novel and walk back and forth from the grocery store! I know that sounds impossible what with the sheer physical strength it takes to carry grocery bags, but I did that exact thing yesterday and guess what? I lived to tell the tale. Amazing! Sure, I can't cook to save my life so like 75% of what I buy is Lean Cuisine, but hey, I am pretty sure all Whitney eats is alfalfa sprouts. So I think she can handle it.

By the way, there is no reason Audrina exists on this show anymore. Her character self could really be doing other things now. Like making B-horror movies that 4 people will watch with all the mad acting skillz she exhibits on the show.

Lauren also serves no purpose on this show anymore....and isn't it like her show or something?

Bring back Nana Pratt!!!! I bet there is some drama at the senior center!!!!

Oh, and I stole that picture from Perez. Whatevs.

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