Monday, February 9, 2009

Dear Chris Brown:

Since November 4th I've like resolved to love America and stuff so I guess I have to give you the benefit of our due process and say you are innocent until proven guilty but - are you fucking stupid?!

But you turned yourself into the police yesterday so that seems like some sort of admission of guilt, so let me yell at you a bit on this blog 2 people read. You are 19, dating [dated??] Rihanna, your song With You has near 87 million [!!!] views on YouTube, the little girls are all aaaaaaaaaaah Chris Brown, you were nominated for Grammys, I am sure you are ridiculously way too rich for any 19 year old to be and here you go do something this idiotic. Coming from an unemployed 23 year old who has $20,000 + student loan debt and $550 in rent due in 3 weeks and almost $200 due in utilities this month [because its been 3 degrees everyday this winter it seems] if you are young, good-looking, talented and rich for godssakes at least make sure you stay rich. Your $50,000 bail?!! That could have paid off all my loans and paid me and my roommates' rent and utilities bills for like...ever.

But all that money is basically a moot point when you consider the fact that you wailed on Rihanna! Abuse of any kind against any one is awful and intolerable, but come on dude, you beat on Rihanna - your career just doesn't come back from that. Two words: Micheal Jackson. He went from Billie Jean to wandering around in masks and dangling babies from hotel balconies. And let's be honest, does anyone really like Ike Turner?

Of course I went to YouTube for the express purpose of reading the comments on Chris Brown videos and apparently there is a rumor circulating YouTube comments [god help us now that people think YouTube comments are a reliable source of info] that Rihanna gave you a STD. And creepily enough, some people seem to think this in some way excuses! Punching someone in the face because they gave you an STD is the not the proper way to solve the issue. Note:

George is now basically being written off that show, so you know, just saying.

And to Rihanna, I heart you. I know a 23 year old grad student shouldn't heart Rihanna, but well I do. I listen to Umbrella like once a week even though its two years old because its still a good song; you can tell a song is good if you can remember the first time you heard it and I remember the first time I heard Umbrella. I was in Switzerland and my friends and I were excited to find a radio station playing music in English - first we heard R.E.M and then this song came on and I remember my friend and I both looked at each other at the same instant and were like "Is she singing umbrella?!" And here I am two years later, listening to a song about an umbrella - so for that Rihanna you deserve my respect, as I do not listen to many songs two years after they are released, let alone a song about umbrellas. So keep on keeping on Rihanna as myself and the umbrellas of the world will always have a special place for you in our hearts.

And finally, let us not forget the third victim in this tragedy [the first two being Rihanna and Chris Brown's career]: Wrigley's Double Mint Gum. This Double Mint commerical aired during the Grammys yesterday and it was....awkward? Poor gum. Too bad you already paid for this nonsense Wrigley's:

Next time you need a spokesperson Wrigley's maybe you should ask Miley Cyrus. I hear she's really good at avoiding controversy.

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