1. I owe such a debt to the person who thought that having Tim Gunn as a host on the Red Carpet was a good idea. Because you know what? It was a good idea!!!! [Project Runway come baaaaaaaaaaack!!! Plz?!]
2. ZACQUISHA IN A TUX. Heart.
3. Who knew Anne Hathaway could sing? Like, really sing?
4. Speaking of who knews, who knew Sophia Loren was still alive?!
5. Dustin Lance Black, I had no idea who you were before tonight. But you, sir, are awesome. [And also kinda hot]
6. I was like 98% certain that someone was going to faint tonight. My money was either on Kate Winslet, the guy who won for sound mixing or whatever for Slumdog Millionaire, and Adrian Brody who seems to have replaced sleep, food and personal hygiene with herion.
7. Tina Fey + Steve Martin = making even screen writing awards entertaining.
8. Reese Witherspoon's and Kate Winslet's dresses were obviously the rejects from the "Design an Oscar Dress!" challenge from the season of Project Runway we'll never see.
From the House of Holla Atcha Boi:
9. This has not been a good year for Ryan Seacrest as he tried to high five a blind man on American Idol and now has tried to interview one of the kids from Slumdog Millionaire who doesn't speak English. The best part however is after Ryan asks one of the older kids to translate and the older kid - who I am sure is most likely not a seasoned Red Carpet pro - totally owns Ryan saying of his young counterpart, "He doesn't speak English. And he didn't say anything."
Also, how over this does Irrfan Khan look? [You know he totally hates Anil Kapoor]
10. Speaking of awkward cross-cultural moments, Seth Rogan and James Franco were funny...until they started making Dumb Polock jokes. I think. I swear they said "DP" several times on stage [which to be honest, is one of my grandpa's favorite insults] and judging by how uncomfortable Janusz Kaminski looked I don't think my ears deceived me.
11. As much as I love me some Zac Efron and musicals, how unnecessary was that random musical tribute/interlude?! The whole time I thought the combination of people [Hugh Jackman, Beyonce, Zac and Vanessa, some people from Mamma Mia!], the weird mash up of songs, and complete lack of context was just....weird. Then when it was over Hugh Jackman said the thing was planned by Baz Luhrman and suddenly it all made sense.
12. When Sarah Jessica Parker almost fell on stage it was really funny. The only thing that would have been more awesome was if she actually fell [and had to be helped up by James Bond].
13. I am so pleased that Angelina and Brad didn't win anything. For some reason, I have a really vindictive hate against them. But god, am I the only the person on earth who finds them insufferable? [I give credit where credit is due: Angelina's earrings were awesome. But her ring was hideous. And does Brad have allergies because it looked like he was on the verge of crying all night.]
14. When I need a replacement for Peter Gabriel for my Oscars telecast the first name that comes to mind isn't John Legend.
15. I give Danny Boyle props for finding a way to mention Tigger in an Oscars acceptance speech.
16. Did Whoopi Goldberg roll out of bed this morning and think "Oh shit! I am supposed to present at the Oscars tonight!"? She must have because otherwise there was no excuse for her to wear that leopard-print nightgown on stage.
17. Lisa Rinna's lips are straight-up fucking scary.
18. If I had to hear Mickey Rourke talk about his dead chihuahua like she was his dead wife in Red Carpet interviews one more time I was going to throw up. I mean I loved my dog Fred, but seriously dude. Get a grip.
19. Dev Patel why are you eighteen?!!?! Your cute gangliness, Barack-style big ears and British accent combined with the image of you on stage after winning Best Picture crying and holding the adorable little mini-Latika was enough to make me want to make out with my TV screen. Ew. Gross. I can't believe I typed that. Retracted.
This video is essentially made of cute:
20. Natalie Portman telling Ben Stiller [as Joaquin Pheonix] that he looked like "he worked in Hasidic meth lab" was kinda genius.
21. When that guy from Man on Wire suddenly and randomly popped up on stage to do magic tricks it was also kinda genius.
22. When Will Smith was on stage for basically twenty minutes presenting like 40 awards I am pretty sure it was a test run to gauge how well people would respond to him hosting next year.
23. "You Commie Homo-Loving Sons of Guns." Well said, Sean Penn, well said. And in the words of my friend Karen, why did Madonna ever divorce you? You looked pretty hot tonight, for an old man.
24. Why was M.I.A. not beamed in as a Princess Leia style hologram from her bed?!!!!!!11
25. That Japanese dude who won for Animated Short Film or whatev totally ended his speech by saying "Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto." And it was totally awesome. It was nice that Danny Boyle mentioned an animated Disney character, but anyone who mentions Styx in an Oscar acceptance speech is obviously cool.
Freshman year of college a kid lived down the hall from me in the dorms who would play this song at all hours, all the time, and always at top volume. The hate is fading, so I think I might be finally able to listen to this song again, so: