Friday, March 6, 2009

Girls just wanna have crushes. - that purveyor of all things truthy - defines a "girl crush" as
"feelings of admiration and adoration which a girl has for another girl, without wanting to shag said girl. a nonsexual attraction, usually based on veneration at some level."

This being March, Women's History Month, it seems to be the appropriate time to discuss the woman who have made themselves girl crush worthy [that, and the fact that Gossip Girl has decided to take itself off the air for 42 weeks, so I have nothing to blog about]. I have different types of guy crushes [they mainly fall into the No Way This Will Ever Happen or the Eh, Maybe categories], so why can't I have different types of girl crushes?

So in tribute to all the women who are so awesome they almost make me forget about men [almost], I now present to you my girl crushes:

1. The Damn, You're Just Awesome Girl Crush

This type of girl crush is the most broad, as it involves women who are just well - there is no other word for it - awesome. My biggest girl crush in this category is Michelle Obama, because as much her husband makes me swoon, Michelle just seems classy and cool. I am too young to remember Nancy Regean, Barbara Bush has just always been old, Hillary just...I don't know but god she annoys me, and Laura Bush was a bit too sticky Southern sweet. Of all the first ladies in my lifetime, Michelle is the one I would want to come to my dinner party - know what I'm saying? She could make jokes, yet still carry on a serious conversation if that's where the wine led, could throw out those annoying lingering guests with her hardcore arms and would be better dressed than everyone else while doing it. Next time my roommates and I throw a dinner party, we'll send you an invite on Facebook Michelle.

The woman can break it down to Rihanna for goshsakes, why would you not want her at your party?

2. The You're Everything I Wish I Was Girl Crush

Everyone has that dream life, the one they are pretty sure they will never get - if only because they think they are not go-getter enough, not good looking enough, not talented enough - but they are dreams born out things we could probably actually do if we tried hard enough. So we have girl crushes on the women who were actually brave enough to somehow do what we always wanted to do. If I was famous for any reason, I would want to be famous like Tina Fey - mainly because it would be mean I could be famous and not have to give up my glasses for contacts because touching my eye freaks me out. But I could also be famous for being a writer - well, at least a writer who also plays a writer on TV - and for making people laugh, which might be my only talent in real life anyway. [maybe] If I could write a show like 30 Rock I would be hella proud of myself, but let's face it, I'm just not motivated enough.

Donald Trump, taco night in prison, Roy Rogers biscuits and remote controlled vibrating underpants. All in one interview. I love you Tina:

3. The Maybe In Another Lifetime Girl Crush

If we have girl crushes on women who do what we just think we can't do, we also have them on women who do what we really never, ever could do. The grass is always greener on the other side, so we need to somehow live vicariously through these women to get a taste of what we will never have. I have absolutely zero musical talent whatsoever [okay fine, I can play the recorder with my nose!], even though music is one of my most favorite-est things in the world. So I have girl crushes aplenty of the ladies of the musical persuasion: I wish I could have rocked Monterey Pop as hard as Janis Joplin [just minus the overdosing], dance and lip-sync in my old school girl outfit like Britney Spears, make music videos as fun and playful as Feist's, write every song in the world like Carole King or even make the world care as much about umbrellas as Rihanna. But alas, I am just stuck with my recorder.

I have always thought this outfit is hideous, but it doesn't matter because Janis is tearing it up:

Even though you're wearing sparkle leggings in the mom-jeans cut, I still love you Britney! [And, I am seeing you in a week!]:

Leave it to Feist to make the music video for a song about getting your heart broken completely adorable:

'70s fashions weren't kind to anyone, were they? Good thing this is a great song, Carole:


4. The Historical Girl Crush

We women wouldn't have gotten to where we are today if it wasn't for the women who came before us, so we certainly owe them their due. Women of the past were just as awesome as women today, so just because they don't regularly show up Perez Hilton who says we can't have girl crushes on them too?! I'd like to believe Elizabeth I was as hardcore as Judi Dench, and managing to rule England during the time of Shakespeare, the Spanish Armada and highly ruffled and starched collars makes me think that she actually probably was. I once trudged around Mount Auburn cemetary for like 2 hours immediately after an early morning plane ride just to find the memorial to Sarah Margaret Fuller - who may or may not have had sex with Ralph Waldo Emerson, inspired one of Natheniel Hawthorne's characters, married an Italian richie only to die at sea, and most importantly, wrote a highly convincing tract calling for increased rights for both women and slaves. And of course, there is always Abigail Adams, who in the midst of a revolution was kind enough to remind the Fouding Fathers that yes, they should remember the ladies! Word.

Ahahahaha, this is totally someone's like 9th grade history project. Oh well, it has lots of Elizabeth. And Cate! And Helen!

This is basically the only video about Margaret Fuller on YouTube, and I have no idea what the context is, except that yeah, its probably a 9th grade class project too:

Pins! Saltpeter! Jooooooooooohn!

5. The Completely Imaginary Girl Girl Crush

If I can have crushes on the likes of Willy Wonka [Wilder only, not Depp], Chuck Bass and Harry Potter why can't I have girl crushes on imaginary women too? Like the majority of women I have a literary crush on Mr. Darcy, so clearly I can have a girl crush on Elizabeth Bennet too. What's not to love? Smart, witty, beautiful, independent and probably the one book character every girl who does the assigned reading in high school wouldn't mind being. If Elizabeth Bennet is my literary girl crush, its only logical that my television girl crush is on Lorelei Gilmore. She's everything Elizabeth Bennet is but she makes references to David Bowie, goes to Bangles concerts and drinks so much coffee that even I am impressed. Plus, she managed to raise a daughter who in her self could be girl crush worthy, so for that Lorelei, I salute you.

BBC Elizabeth Bennet + Kelly Clarkson's Miss Independent = genius?

Coffee + the Gilmores + The Smiths = for serious genius.

6. The OMFG You're A Badass! Girl Crush

Some women are just such badasses that you would be in awe just to be around them - or maybe just too scared to move for fear of getting your ass kicked. I guess some would argue Angelina Jolie could go in this category - but she is my number one girl hate. [Or maybe she's tied for that honor with Miley Cyrus] So I am going to dedicate this category to two of the biggest badasses I know - Anne Bonney and Mary Reed, pirates who single-handedly defended their ship against the British Navy when all their male counterparts decided to hide it out in the ship's hull. Oh, and did I mention that one of them was pregnant when this occured?! [Try to do that, MIA!] Unfortunately, both Anne and Mary eventually ended up in jail and Anne was executed. Mary on the other hand, disappeared and no one knows exactly what happened to her - I'd like to think she's still roaming about the high seas, being a bad ass. When are these women getting their own theme park ride and movie franchise Disney?!

Um, I have no words for this. Except for the fact that I wasted an entire semester doing research to try and write a vaguely academic paper about Anne Bonney and Mary Reed when really I could have just watched this video:

Well, there they are - my girl crushes. Most of them anyway, as Karen claims that having a crush on a gay man is basically the same as a girl crush. So if that's the case in the spirit of full disclosure I also have crushes on Tim Gunn and Zac Efron.

There, I think I'm done.

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