Well, the Lincoln Hawk Love Baby was found...kinda. And Dan and Serena get fucking creepier and creepier. And Nate and Vanessa each appeared for a hot second! [While we are on the subject of Vanessa there is no need to travel all the way from Brooklyn to Dylan's Candy Bar...it's not that great. I mean, they have cute bags and all but I prefer the lovely Rocky Peanut Company in the delightful Detroit to overpriced candy from some fashion designer's kid. Also, how gay did Nate look when he was standing there munching his candy while he rekindled his bromance with Dan? Like, seriously].
So you know how in the first Star Wars [and by "first" I mean that actually legitimate first movie, not that nonsense prequel] Luke Skywalker totally wanted to get it on with Princess Leia? And then in The Empire Strikes Back he found out Darth Vader was his dad and then in Return of the Jedi he found out Leia was his sister? And you could tell he still kinda wanted to get it on with Princess Leia anyway?
Well that is Dan and Serena. Just without lightsabers and the cinnamon bun hair.
Continuing the Star Wars metaphors, Uncle Jack tried to play a morally bankrupt Obi-Wan Kenobi to his young business Jedi-in-training Chuck, but as anyone could have predicted that did not turn out so well. He tricked his favorite underage woman Blair into throwing Chuck a surprise brunch [For real, who has a surprise brunch? With old people!?!] and took his nephew out for a night of drinking and prostitutes so he was of course not ready for his brunch at the senior home. Seriously, bf and gf sharing a sibling. Nephew and uncle sharing prostitutes. Apparently this show is now set in NewYorktucky.
What else happened?
Vanessa and Nate celebrated their anniversary with candy and no one cared. Chuck gave Blair violently neon pink roses that looked just like the spray painted kind you can buy on street corners in Detroit around Sweetest Day and she threw them in his face. And next week, in revenge for the unclassy flowers she will bang his uncle. And that won't be awkward at all.
Oh, and apparently the name of the LHLB is Andrew. Which is too good, as he will now clearly be referred to as Little Orphan Andy. But he died in a sailing accident...except that he didn't! Sneaky! But good, because now Dan and Serena can actually invite their half-sibling to their wedding! Maybe Dan will let him be the best man and everything. And Rufus can walk Serena down the aisle because he is practically her dad.
Next week there is some more Yale nonsense which seems lame compared to the Greek tragedy now laid out before us. Or trailer park soap opera. Or intergalactic space war.
Your pick.
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