That collective scream you heard last night around 9:30 pm EST was the cry of hundreds of Claire's employees, as their jobs - once buoyed along by the upswing in purchases from that wall of headbands in the back of their stores thanks to one Blair Waldorf - are now in danger due to one swift motion from Dan Humphrey. High school is over, and apparently, so is the headband. Luckily for some, and unluckily for others, college is a new start and the old rules don't apply - or as Dan so nicely put it as he tossed Blair's most cherished accessory down a dorm stairwell, "Nooooo headbands in college, k?":
This episode was the season premiere Gossip Girl should have had, as our favorite characters were suddenly faced with their worlds turned basically upside down, and the social rubric was flipped on its head. Dan won friends with his sexy plaid shirts and Judy Blume jokes, Vanessa had a rapt audience for her documentary on a community garden and Michel Gondry videos [trust me, college is the only time this will happen V], and Georgina threw a rooftop party that actually looked pretty bangin' even with the addition of Jesus people. Blair on the other hand just couldn't understand why she didn't immediately have a legion of followers thanks to her Tiffany gift bags, sushi and saketini party or reservations at Monkey Bar. But alas for Blair, there are no Queen Bees in college, because as Chuck Bass put it in a moment of genius: "The only queens at NYU have tickets to see Liza at Carnegie Hall." Royalty overthrown and the world turned upside down - it was the American Revolution with raw fish and hipster French cinema.
But despite this uproar some things are forever the same - Serena is still a hot mess, Jenny is a useless [and in this episode not even worth mentioning!] character, Chuck only has one idea for his properties, and oops, I almost forgot to talk about Nate. Serena dropped out of Brown before she even started, which I take a personal affront, as now she will never experience the hipster-hippie-awesomeness of my former school. But more importantly, I was hoping some scenes would be shot in the Prov, so I would know where to go stalk. But Chuck finally had the guts to call her a "trainwreck" to her face, which every viewer has wanted to yell at the screen for some time now. So is it too much to hope that now that Chuck and Rufus have called her out on her shenanigans Serena will get her shit in order and stop drunkenly careening around New York? And also maybe stop wearing hideous pink tie-dye vests?
And as for that suddenly concerned step-brother Chuck Bass, he needs to think of something else to do with his properties instead of just turning them into speakeasies. Didn't he want to turn some place in Brooklyn that Vanessa was all hell bent on historically preserving or whatevs into one at some point during the last season? Or was that first season? Either way, that was most def when he and Vanessa first started making googly eyes at each other. But he clearly has been spending too much time with Blair, as his most obvious influence is the music video for his girlfriend's hit single! Since Serena fucked him over [twice!] he should just scrap that white table cloth restaurant idea and open up a "deli" with Cobra Starship instead:
Nate was also spending too much time with his girlfriend and once again....why is Nate on this show?! In the first season his character had some relevance thanks to the Serena/Nate/Blair/Chuck love quadrangle. Love square? Parallelogram? Anyway, now the writers simply insist on throwing Nate storylines that exclusively concern him and some lady friend with action that is not related to the rest of the characters and never really impacts them either. His whole romance with Vanessa was kind of silly and it never really caused that much drama with the rest of the show, but now the writers have taken it so far as to have Nate and his gf decide to literally and deliberately lock themselves away from everyone else in her apartment. The best parts of this episode were showing how everyone was dealing with their lives outside high school - whether it was at dorm parties or business meetings - but Nate was still doing the same old same old. Isn't Nate going to college too? Why didn't we see his first days as well?! It's like the writers created the character of Nate because he existed in the book series and now find him superfluous and can't decide what to do with him. And let's be honest, its not like Chace Crawford can act beyond "looking pretty" and "looking even prettier." So maybe now is the time to kill his character off in a car crash, if ya know what I mean. No one will miss him. I promise.
Oh and what, I didn't talk about Jenny? Yeah that's because no one did in this episode either.
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