Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Gossip Girl: I Know What You Did Last Summer.

Two weeks ago I moved my younger brother into the same dorms I lived in during my undergrad years, which was a terrifying experience. So it was a similar feeling as I tuned into the season premiere, watching my beloved GG'ers all grown up and preparing to make their way in a world with no plaid skirts or required blazers. Ah those last hazy, crazy days of summer before college when the world seems full of possibilities, when - to quote a great philosopher - you're not a girl, not yet a woman.
o how did our fictional friends spend their last days of freedom before they are saddled with term papers, caffeine overloads and Bluebook exams? Did they prepare themselves well for the next four years? Will they succeed? Or fail? Or steal a horse from a polo match and ride off into the sunset? Will they be able to survive dorm life after years of living on the Upper East Side? [Based on the fact that it's not October yet and my brother is already asking my mom to buy him another case of Ramen noodles, I can answer with a resounding "no." And ah, the memories.]
But lucky for you friend, you don't have to answer any of these questions, because I have made a chart! It should also be noted, I was never this organized in college.


What Did You Do Last Summer?
: Is now a RICH kid living in Manhattan/Brooklyn who rocks designer wallets, but is ashamed of his wealth. He has yet to learn however that wearing tight pants does not hide your shame, but only makes it worse.
College Career Highlight: Will be featured on lookatthisfuckinghipster.com in a hot second.
Would We Be Friends In The Dorms?: Would totally crush on Dan, seeing as he has spent the summer growing out his hair. Guys with shaggy hair were my thang when I was 19. Bonus: is also "intellectual."


What Did You Do Last Summer?: Read a lot of romance novels while in Europe as she is now running away from polo matches on horses with her dress and hair blowing behind her in the wind. To be fair, I did sit next to someone who I swear was Fabio on a flight between London and Madrid, so maybe she met that dude.
College Career Highlight: Will land at Brown in a helicopter like Emma Watson [allegedly!] did.
Would We Be Friends In The Dorms?: Serena's paparazzi army would run wild on my beloved campus, so no. It's because of kids like you Serena that Brown was named the "Douchiest College In America" by GQ, so thanks.


What Did You Do Last Summer?
: Blair.
College Career Highlight: College is for pussies who don't already own multimillion dollar companies, or have girlfriends who encourage them to hit on hot blonds.
Would We Be Friends In the Dorms?: No, he'd be the skeez I'd tell my roommate to stop dating not only because he was a player but also because he was stealing our orange juice.


What Did You Do Last S
ummer?: Chuck. Also some hat shopping.
College Career Highlight: Graduating Summa Cum Laude. Cap and gown are already purchased for role play with Chuck, btw.
Would We Be Friends In The Dorms?: Yes, because I was totally an overachiever when I first got to college too. Then I started drinking.


What Did You Do Last Summer?
: Finally got rid of Zacquisha-esque hair. Also wandered about Europe desperately seeking a storyline.
College Career Highlight: Will continue to indulge cougar fantasies - starting with Masters student, will work up to PhD student, cap off career with professor. Does Columbia have a female president? Because he'll screw her too.
Would We Be Friends In The Dorms?: Pretty, but boring. Would admire from afar.


What Did You Do Last Summer?: Traveled around Europe with ex-boyfriend. Also put weird, inexplicable dread like extensions in hair.
College Career Highlight: Wining student film-making competition. Also possibly finding boyfriend that isn't boring as shit.
Would We Be Friends In The Dorms?: Yes, because Vanessa and I both share unfortunate hair/jewelry/strange colored/patterned clothing situations.


What Did You Do Last Summer?
: Schemed to find birth parents, and succeeded. This is because unlike Serena, he did not act like a drunken slut.
College Career Highlight: Interrupting Blair's commencement address, Kanye-style, to announce that he is really the long lost and thought dead Lincoln Hawk Love Baby. Come to think of it, that's more of a Tom Sawyer move, but that reference isn't nearly as topical.
Would We Be Friends In The Dorms: Yes. Like, OMG, you love Lincoln Hawk too?!!?!


See above.

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