Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Gossip Girl: Ghosts of Christmases Past.

So after last week's snoozefest [seriously, does anyone remember what happened?], this week's installment was the kind of Gossip Girl I live for: an episode so deliciously terrible it reaches the heights of the sublime.

Ghosts? A dead mother's return? Teenage drug dealing? A Chappaquidick-esque car accident? Pot secretly stashed in the book I hated most in high school? Chuck Bass sharing his "feelings"? Dan sharing his feelings? Nate punching someone in the face? Serena laid up in hospital bed? A girl named Willa trying to be seductive while wearing a gold lame blouse? A spin of Empire State of Mind which currently has 98 plays on my iTunes? Yes, yes, and more yes!

So let's start by discussing said strangely attired Willa and her sudden lust for Danny Boy. I know Dan's guns have been growing by the episode, but seriously girl you need to chillax. Seducing some guy you just met by showing him a sex tape of yourself under the guise of "performance art" while you wear a hideous outfit doesn't work, does it?! Oh who am I kidding, the sex tape masquerading as "performance art" is probably Adam Lambert's favorite form of seduction! Anyway, on to matters that aren't two weeks old, Dan decided to get it on with Willa despite the fact that she was crazy - "actresses are crazy!" Nate told him - but sexy time was interrupted by a phone call which told him his sister by marriage who he used to bang was in the hospital. It was just as well since Dan was only lowering himself to Willa's level because he couldn't get Vanessa, but once at the hospital and overcome by "Life is short!" thoughts Dan decided it was time to spill his guts to V. Because its been you know, a whole week, so Dan must be in luuuuuuurrrrrrvvvvvve. But alas, Vanessa didn't return his sentiments [she's still convinced that Paul dude is straight. Ahahahahaha], and once again poor Dan found himself a Lonely Boy.

Also having love troubles were Lily and Rufus, who have been far too happy for far too long. Ever since the lamest twist of fate ever, when Maureen ended up with Lily's super secret letter from Daddy Van der Woodsen because she had the same coat as Lily, the coat closet in the Van der Humphrey household has been in an uproar. Of course Lily was never able to locate the letter because Maureen, who is actually probably the smartest person on this show, was planning on using it to blackmail Serena to get her to back off of Tripp. Once Lily got wind of The Situation [a phrase which I now think is trademarked by MTV], she decided to lady up and tell Rufus that she had a secret meeting with Serena's father, but in true soap opera fashion was interrupted by the hospital calling to say her daughter had been in a car accident. Whatever Lily did when she met Serena's father probably wasn't as bad as we think it was, mainly because it never is on Gossip Girl, and also because once Rufus sleeps with that co-op board lady in retaliation that will be the real problem. Also, is it just me or does co-op lady look a disturbing amount like Vanessa's mom?! I hope it comes out that Rufus is attracted to her because he and V's mother once had a fling and he's really V's father and that's why he was cool with her practically living with them all these years, and oops Dan, you're in love with your sister again!!

Lily and Rufus were so distracted by their marital issues they didn't realize their daughter was off committing the dual crimes of rocking some hideous coats and selling drugs. As soon as Eric wondered where Jenny had gotten all the money to pay for those new purses I knew her drug dealing had finally begun, and man, was I excited. The title of the first new episode when GG returns in March [damn Olympics and American Idol!], is "Jenny, Full of Grace" which only means this storyline is about to go front and center. I hope Little J tries drug smuggling and ends up in jail!! That would be really spectacular, seeing as if she was locked up we wouldn't have to deal with her annoying self as much.

Speaking of annoying, the whole Serena Forays Into Politics As A Mistress storyline seems like its on its way towards being wrapped up. The storyline didn't annoy me as much as Serena did, because every time I thought she couldn't get stupider, she did. When she was being a whiny little bitch because she didn't have coffee or cable at a country cottage I wanted to literally shake some sense into her and then yell at her to put on a damn shirt because its December. For what it's worth Serena, my family's cottage doesn't even have really great phone reception and sometimes my mom and I go to the local Wal-Mart for entertainment because all we have at the cottage are VHS copies of Air Force One and Dirty Dancing, Trivial Pursuit and the beach, but that doesn't help come February. So quit your bitching and read a book! Or smoke one too, I guess that's cool.

Tripp choosing his career over Serena was inevitable, but running into a pack of wolves was not. I mean, seriously, wolves?! They have those in Nassau County?! I would say it seems a mite too soon to be copping the whole Chappaquidick situation, but then that shit actually happened forever ago, so have at it writers. And it was the exact same situation: Congressman runs off bridge, injures girl, leaves girl and calls someone other than 911 first. Ooops! But if history has taught us anything its that stuff like this won't stay secret for long, especially since Tripp and Maureen's "cover up" was shoddy at best, because come on, Nate figured it out. Nate has been really freaking me out lately - he was actually funny in that scene in the coffee shop with Dan using lifelike expressions and everything, and then he went and clocked Tripp in the face! Emotions!? You don't say! But either way, it's clear the jig will soon be up for Tripp and Maureen and he can say bye-bye to being on a committee with Barney Frank.

So I have to give Gossip Girl credit where credit it due: it takes balls to play the "car accident card" twice. You play the car accident card when you need a major plot point, but don't have time to develop one, since an accident will throw everything into a tizzy and it can come out of nowhere. Car accidents are usually reserved for season 6 when you are running out of ideas and need to shake things up, or for every other episode of Grey's Anatomy. But because they're such a cheap trick, you can really only respectably pull it once. But oh no, not with Gossip Girl. This show had the guts to use it as a plot device not once, but twice, and in back to back seasons. And not only that, the second accident was on the anniversary of the first! When you do something that unbelievable and insane it's just awesome, so you go GG. Well played, well played.

As if the car crash wasn't enough ridiculata for one episode, we also got Bart Bass' ghost! [A scientific equation: Car Crash + Ghosts + Chuck Bass = AWESOME] Ghosts never come across right on TV, but since no one had sex with Bart a la Izzie and Denny on Grey's, I'll deal. The scene where Chuck relived his father's death when he went to the hospital to visit Serena was actually moving, and a tear almost [almost] formed in my jaded eye. I like that Chuck and Blair bonding showed that he has grown a soul, but at the same time, I kind of miss me some devious Chuck. Strangely, out of all these kids, Chuck might have become the most mature - and I think its because he grew up fast after Bart's death, so it was a nice contrast to see his moment in the hospital realizing this juxtaposed against Serena's stupidity in landing her there in the first place. Hopefully this means that Serena will give up her immature ways and stripper ensembles soon as well, but only time will tell. And like devious Chuck, I might miss a hot mess Serena to make fun of.

Oh and Chuck might still have mother! Who kind of looks like Dorota! I CAN'T WAIT FOR MARCH!!!11

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