Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Gossip Girl: She Works Hard For The Money.

Last time I went to visit home I ended up watching an episode of America's Next Top Model with my mom [my parents don't have cable, so our choices were limited], and to my surprise my mom was pretty well versed in the Tyra insanity. "I love this show," she said, "All the girls are so stupid. Don't they realize it's just Tyra insulting them for an hour? You look so...interesting! Your forehead is so big! Your eyes are too far apart but that will photograph well! Don't they understand they are letting themselves get insulted by Tyra Banks!?"
That's sort of what this episode of Gossip Girl was like, an hour long commercial for ANTM during which we were all too stupid to realize we were getting our intelligence insulted by Tyra Banks. But we played along because dealing with Tyra meant we also got to see Serena become a working girl in dresses 40 inches too short [yeah not that kind of working girl, but from those dresses you'd be surprised], Dan start to date a "movie star," Blair devolve into a high schooler, and most elusively, a Jenny storyline! It's kind of like when Tyra tells you your eyes point in different directions but its totally cool because you've won the photo shoot challenge anyway and your picture is going to hang in that crazy model house for a week. Yay! I'm smiling with my eyes!
Speaking of modeling photo shoot challenges, Rufus could have won one this week with his impressions of Lily. Those were some crazy poses sir, and also crazily accurate. The scene with Rufus and Serena was kind of sweet; Serena has been gallivanting around the world trying to find her father, so its a shame she doesn't yet realize she has a good one right in front of her in Rufus. Of course, Rufus was counseling her into making terrible life decisions but when you leave a washed up rock star who loves to make waffles with an 18 year old blond, what do you expect? [Side note bracket: This weekend I arrived at a party just in time to hear my friend drunkenly rattling off about how she had recently encountered Blake Lively in the flesh: "She just looks really normal ya'know? Like, she has meat on her bones! I didn't want to feed her a cheeseburger or anything! I kind of don't hate her!" Now said friend was in the process of being ushered out the door by her more sober boyfriend so I have no idea if she saw Blake in New York, or if GG was actually filming here at Brown because who knows maybe Serena magically decides to come see what she's missing. But I haven't seen Emma Watson yet either, so I hope GG wasn't filming up in my hood and I missed it, because between those two my inner paparazzi is seriously sad.]
But Lily came home only to hear that her eldest daughter had deferred Brown for a year, and was appropriately incredulous at Serena's declaration that she would be finding a job and doing something productive with that time. It was a sentiment to which Lily rightly said,"I love you Serena, but you've never worked a day in your life." Bazinga! So armed with a recommendation from Anna Wintour [uhhh....what!?] Serena set out to find a job as one of those socialite girls who happens to land the plumb fashionz job simply because everyone wants her to be seen wearing their dress. But the economy is tight for everyone, so poor little S didn't get hired anywhere. Ouch!
This leads me to my most awesome idea ever: why isn't Serena on the The City?! So much room for meta cross-over potential! And don't even tell me The City is "real" and Serena is not, because The City is not real. Note this clip as socialite Olivia Palermo tries to get a job at Elle, using no more credentials than basically the fact that she's famous:

Now note these scenes as Serena tries to pull basically the same maneuver:

Come on MTV & CW! Make it happen! Everyone wins: Serena gets a "job" and people maybe start to care about The City because let's be real, its just the sucky cousin of The Hills. At the very least, let's have a Kelly Cutrone guest appearance!
But I guess my City dream has to die because Serena landed a "job" with a PR firm - by pure luck of course - whose main clients happen to be Ursula/Tyra and Olivia, Dan's new crush, Vanessa's new roommate and star of a vampire movie series that somehow managed to sound more shitty than Twilight. Serena ran into Olivia and her PR girl KC at lunch, because its not like 8 million fucking people live in New York or anything, you can obviously meet the entire cast of Gossip Girl within about 2 hours.
Both Ursula/Tyra and Olivia had a movie opening the next day, a movie inexplicably about the French Resistance - so is the French Resistance the new "thing?" Because my friends and I made a point to go to the French Resistance exhibit at the New York Public Library this summer, and I hope that means we're cool, but it probably just means we're over educated grad students who got needlessly excited about seeing an original photo of Althusser. Anyway, someone had inexplicably cast Tyra Banks [because honestly, "Ursula" was basically Tyra Banks] as Josephine Baker, and Tyra was all excited about her "acting" in the movie, but her big scene got cut, and Serena was hired to control her diva ass.
Meanwhile, Dan, who never sees movies, watches TV, reads the newspapers or goes online, had no idea who Olivia was when he met her at the coffee cart. Olivia saved him the embarrassment of having to dig for change to pay for his coffee and just did it herself, because she's basically like Emma Watson who has more money than God but is going to college anyway. Admirable! Of course there were mix ups and confusions and blah blah Dan was roped into going to the movie premiere by Vanessa, yada yada yada, not important, and by the end the jig was up. But because Dan is totally in awe of how "normal" Olivia is the two crazy kids are going to try and make it work, but we've already established last week that Dan is totally into the crazy psycho bitches so dating a movie star who pretends to be normal folk is right up his alley.
In addition to all this movie star nonsense there was some shenanigans back at Constance Billard, like people actually still care about that place, concerning Jenny and her hesitation to become the new Queen. Other than the fact that Jenny wore a leather vest to private school, who cares when you have Tyra Banks throwing dresses and crying in the bathroom? Blair went back to Constance to try and straighten the hierarchy back out, because no one gives a hoot about headbands in college and her life was empty. Sad really, that Blair Waldorf was throwing sleepovers for high schoolers because she didn't feel accepted anywhere else, but in the end Dorota and Chuck straightened her out and she found some NYU minions to rule over. The best part of this disposable storyline was that Blair spoke Polish to Dorota, and that no one cared Chuck using Jenny as his date was creepy because you know, they're kind of brother and sister.
Also, in a very disconcerting moment, Nate Archibald actually made a lifelike and somewhat hilarious facial expression of disbelief after seeing clueless Dan with Olivia. Emmys, meet Chace Crawford.

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