How I Broke Up With Grey's Anatomy.

Oh Grey's Anatomy. There was a time, in the not that far off past, when I eagerly awaited 9pm on Thursday nights [or gasp!...Sunday nights! Remember those days!?]; I remember running home from the most boring "Woman's Lit" class ever to be sure I didn't miss a minute of our favorite Seattle Grace interns' lives. There was a time when my friends and I had the perhaps strange tradition of making waffles and maybe cracking open a few beers every Thursday night while we yelled at the TV telling Meredith Grey to get her life in order, even though seeing as we were having beer and waffles for dinner we clearly didn't have our own lives in order either.
But that was the great thing about Grey's Anatomy - I felt like Meredith, Cristina, Izzie, Alex and George were my friends because well, they were just like my friends. I wasn't a medical intern but at the start the characters were so true-to-life it didn't matter, I could have related to them if they were astronauts. At the beginning Grey's was a show about the pain of growing up, the pain of realizing your parents can't help you anymore - even if they aren't relegated to a nursing home, the pain of finally realizing you need to stop being selfish because you actually have to be responsible for others on occasion whether you take a Hippocratic oath or not, the pain of forming deep relationships even if they sometimes leave you sobbing on your bathroom floor in a prom dress. In other words, Grey's wasn't a show about medicine, it was a show about life.
But somewhere along the way the sensational hookups and gratuitously weird medical cases took over and our five favorite interns faded into the background. I used to be pretty sure George O'Malley was my ideal man [I'm now pretty sure it's Don Draper, so like Grey's my standards have sunk significantly], but George just died on this season's premiere and well, I actually didn't care much. My favorite character of my once favorite TV show just died - complete with requisite funeral scene! And scenes of other characters crying! And talking fondly of his memory! - and I didn't even get a tad misty eyed. It's pretty sad actually, I should have mourned George like an old friend, because he sort of was in that way imaginary characters who stand in for real life people and memories can be. But I guess I have reached the "Acceptance" stage of grief, because I have been watching Grey's die its own slow death for awhile now. And it is only appropriate that last night's premiere prominently featured Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' famous five stages of grief, because George's funeral felt more like a funeral for the show itself.

My steps to Acceptance:

Stage 1: Denial
This is without a doubt what has kept me watching this show for going on 6 seasons now, even though it started to take a nose dive somewhere around the third. When it was just a few strange occurrences it was indeed easy to deny: An icicle impaled Cristina? Well that's....kinda funny? George and Izzie hooked up? Well that won't last long...right?! Lexie broke Mark's penis!?! Well...ummmmm...errrr? Izzie is having sex with ghost?!
Sad to say but when one of your main characters is having sex with a ghost its a little hard for even to most die hard fan to turn a blind eye to your show's ridiculousness. Just sayin'.

Stage 2: Anger
Why you have to do this to me Grey's?! I will bitch about your ridiculousness to everyone I know, including on a blog that no one reads. You won an EMMY Grey's for godssakes, and now I have to deal with characters who come and go like it ain't no thang [What exactly happened to Dr. Hahn!? And that Sadie chick? Was her only purpose to look hot and get her appendix out?] and worse yet, with plot lines that start, stop, and get dropped into oblivion [Hey! Remember how Izzie actually has a fucking kid!?].

Stage 3: Bargaining
Maybe Grey's can get better! Maybe if they just gave George a story and some actual lines to read! Maybe if they just finally let Meredith and Derek be together without all this nonsense! Maybe if Lexie wasn't so insipid and annoying! Maybe if there was some actual character development instead of this all this sudden out of nowhere hey guess what someone is a lesbian stuff! Maybe if heaven forbid they brought Burke back! Maybe if they brought Addison back! [<----that last thing would work btw. Because Addison is awesome. That schlock Private Practice is not awesome however.]
Enough maybes. It is over. No matter what you do, nothing can save this trainwreck of a show now. Sigh.

Stage 4: Depression
What am I going to do on Thursday nights now ABC? Well, actually I haven't watched Grey's live for awhile now and catch it online, and watch 30 Rock in the same time slot instead. So I guess that point is moot.
But I was depressed for awhile, my once favorite show ruined. I watched the old episodes on my computer, you know, to remember the good times. I guess we'll always have that hilarious Christmas episode where Izzie flips out and yells "Because it's what Jesus would freakin' do!" Classic. [If you watched the show, you know exactly what moment I am talking about.]
What happened Grey's? You used to be funny! And then you got all self-serious and annoying. It's like what happened to Kanye - Gold Digger was pretty humorous, but then he released 808s and Heartbreak and now he's interrupting precocious blond country singers. Really, you took the same path Grey's.
But here we go, just for old times sake:


Stage 5: Acceptance
It's okay, Grey's. We'll always have the good times. When I need some high melodrama I can always watch those season 2 episodes where Izzie cut Denny's LVAD wire on my iTunes, because those were pretty tense. And George, you and wonky haircut will always have a special place in my heart.
But I've moved on now, and I'm alright with that. You know how several years down the road you meet some long lost friend from high school and they've turned into a drunk/slut/douche/Republican but even then you still kind of love them just because once in an encapsulated moment in time, they were awesome? Yeah, that's how I will always love my Seattle Grace interns. And maybe if Grey's has a renaissance of sorts, I'll go head and give it another shot. But for now, I can get my blood-splattering action more brilliantly elsewhere:




So Grey's this is the end, beautiful friend. Consider this the episode ending goodbye montage, as the soothing tones of some singer-songwritery female voice fills our ears with her wisdom. It was good while it lasted, but greener pastures call. Seriously.

Lost: Life Is Like A Box of Chocolates.

Clearly its time to start writing Lost recaps 1) so I have something to write about other than Gossip Girl and 2) the only person who reads this blog is Karen, and basically the only things Karen and I both watch are Lost and GG. Well, and Grey's Anatomy. But that's only worth watching these days to see what sort of crazy-assed storyline they come up with next. And to laugh at it.

So.

Anyway.

Let me tell you why I love Lost: This is the only show on television that could have a fucking canoe chase and get away with it.

[digression] Grey's Anatomy needs to take a lesson from its fellow ABC show: The first episode of Lost began with an unexplained plane crash and ended with weird noises emanating from the jungle and trees getting mysteriously knocked over. In other words, you expect crazy shit to happen on this show. So take note Shondra Rimes: you cannot start your show off as a normal hospital soap drama only in the 5th season to decide its time to delve into magical realism and have a ghost/apparition/wtf of Denny appear. If you start normal, stay normal. [end digression]

But bless its heart, Lost started crazy and luckily for us, is staying crazy. Canoe chases! Guns hidden in boxes of chocolate! Nurses wielding tranq dart guns! Mysterious beams of light! Shipwrecked pregnant French chicks! Korean dudes back from the dead [or perhaps we should say, back from the future]! Time travelling nose bleeds! All in one episode!


Unfortunately for us however, this episode featured alot of Jack and Kate who weren't that interesting on the island and are even less interesting off it. As usually happens, the main character[s] in ensemble shows are actually the least interesting - its the crazy characters around them that make the show worth watching. Case in point: I didn't even realize last week's episode was completely devoid of the Oceanic 6 until it was over. What makes Lost interesting is the magical island, not necessarily Kate being mopey around Los Angeles. Also, Jack's post-island wolfman beard scared me kinda, so I am glad that's gone.

The only Oceanic 6 person I really enjoyed in this episode was Sun, who has become more interesting now that she's off the island and is turning into some sort of spy/ mafia don who recieves sketch survelliance photos and guns hidden in the bottom of boxes of chocolate. And then takes her gun with her when she "babysits." Also, it is rather suspicious that Sun's baby is like...nowhere. Kidnapped? Dead? Trapped in a time warp? Eaten by Ben for breakfast?

As per usual, the more interesting shit happened back on the island. It still weirds me out to hear Juliet say something like "that was only two months ago" when refering to an incident that occurred during the first season. But at least unlike some shows [GREY'S ANATOMY cough cough] Lost has set a timeline and rigourously sticks to it.

Aside from taking part in a canoe chase, everyone left on the island jumped backward/forward/sideways in time enough to make my brain want to bleed out of my nose too. But at least we got to see that rather touching scene of Sawyer watching past Kate help Claire deliver Aaron - and all that time travel warranted a few references to Boone. Boone! Remember that dude?! No one's talked about him in forever, and he was kind of hot...not Sawyer hot, but you know, not bad. But anyway, watching past Kate prompted Sawyer to spill his broken heart all over the beach to Juliet, which was rather sweet and omfg Sawyer I heart you. Daniel Farraday continues to be awesome, dropping just enough hints [Miles: I've only been here two weeks. Farraday: You sure about that?] so that I can't decide if he actually knows more than he's letting on, or just doesn't know anything at all. Juliet was kind of a badass this episode, telling Sawyer to "go away" and utilizing gun during canoe chase skillz straight out of Last of the Mohicans. And I kind of just wish Charlotte's brain would just bleed out her damn nose already, because for some reason I have yet to pinpoint, she irks me. And Miles reminds me of someone I know, but I haven't decided who yet.

And come on Lost, I can't go for much longer without a John/Ben scene!!! excla!!
But next week John falls into a wormhole [I hope when he pops out he has glitter all over his head, like Giselle does in Enchanted], so that will have to fill the void in the meantime.

Yay/ Nay.

Yay:

Circus - Britney Spears

I inexplicably love Britney, and this song is ridiculously catchy. [It's this week's Single Ladies!] I like it so much in fact that my tickets for Britney's tour are already on pre-order! And the video? Um, awesome. It's like I'm a Slave 4 U set at the circus - which I would say is a good thing. Also, a tear formed in my eye during Britney: For the Record, which is probably a sign of the distressed and stressed mental state I am in right now, as Britney Spears is making me cry. [Also, when is someone releasing the inevitable Circus vs. Rainy Day Women mash up?!]

A put on a show kinda girl:

Britney Spears - Circus [Le Clip]
Uploaded by mondomobile

Top Chef

Actually, I am addicted to Fabio on Top Chef. He's Italian! And he has an accent! And he's from Firenze! Home to the David! And honest to god his name is Fabio! Perfect! I am pretty sure Padma and Gail are in love with him, and Ted Allen probably will be too as soon as he makes his requisite appearances this season. Also, he doesn't suck so I am going to call it now and say Fabio probably makes it to the finale. You heard it here first.

4:40 mark. Soup? You gotta be kidding me!!




Nay:


Grey's Anatomy

Two words: ghost. sex. Grey's has jumped the shark about twenty times but with this Izzie/Dead Denny/ Alex storyline they just jumped the Great White from Jaws. The only bright spot might be that it could signal the complete breakdown of Izzie Stevens and therefore hopefully her departure from the show. She's annoying. And I think Katherine Hiegl might be attempting to make her more annoying than ever before in retribution for that whole Emmy fiasco. Definitely no Emmy for you now Katherine!! [Though at this point, that might not be your fault].


Thank you Joel McHale:



The Grammys

Lil Wayne?!!?!!! For serious?! I can't understand a word he says....ever! And Coldplay is kind of obnoxious, but whatevs, who else would you nominate? I am pretty sure Alicia Keys got robbed, but then again, the Grammys do love her - so maybe its time to give someone else a shot. But hey, I'm so not disappointed that Paper Planes is up for record of the year! Just mildly disappointed that it probably never would have gotten that nomination if it wasn't for a Seth Rogen movie trailer. Though now that M.I.A. is all upset that she doesn't get shot at as much in New York as she did back home in Sri Lanka and that this is really cramping her style, what's she going to do with a Grammy Nomination?! Retire or something?

Fly like paper get high like planes:

Why [fake] jerks are awesome.

Some Monday night in the very near future, I will probably go brain dead.
Yes, it will specifically be a Monday night, because that is the night I descend into that lowest rung of TV viewership and watch 'The Hills.' And 'Gossip Girl.'
I know my brain is supposed to be occupied with thoughts that make me worthy to attend the Brown Graduate School, that I am supposed to spend all my waking moments thinking about [post?] post modernism, the correct number of footnotes for my thesis and learning my 4th language so I can fit in cultured society [Uzbek? Try to give me a language exam in that!].
But come Monday nights, fuck that. I mean, how can I concentrate on being a pretentious, elitist Ivy League grad school bitch when Spencer Pratt is so damn entertaining?! And don't even get me started on the pure genius [in fashion sense and otherwise] that is Chuck Bass.
Okay, so on Thursday nights any intellectual brain activity goes out the window as well. But seriously, its ABC's fault for allowing Dr. Alex Karev to walk around for at least one scene weekly during 'Grey's Anatomy' in nothing but a wife beater.
Clearly, my affinity for jerk characters on melodramatic and brain wasting television shows needs to be analyzed.
Because the only thing better than wasting time on these television shows is wasting more time discussing them.



Exhibit A: Chuck Bass
In real life, I would hate Chuck Bass. But you can't get further from real life than 'Gossip Girl,' so in fake life, I totally love him. In real life, I would probably have a crush on his kinda nemesis Dan Humphrey, the mopey boy from Brooklyn who writes short stories on the Hamptons beach by bonfire light about his tortured love for the unattainable girl and who, thanks to some enterprising prop master, has a copy of Terry Eagleton's 'Literary Theory' on his bookshelf [Yes, I actually noticed that. And yes, I guess I can't escape my pretensions even when watching trash TV]. But on TV writing mopey stories bonfire-side seems kind of ridiculous [which I suppose even in real life, it is] but not ridiculous enough to be all that entertaining. My dear Chuck on the other hand, is so ridiculous that he is amazingly entertaining. And by ridiculous I mean he has tried to seduce a 14 year old girl [in the pilot episode, natch], Dan Humphrey's woman by offering her a grilled cheese with truffle oil [in the pilot too], and his best friend's woman [In the back seat of a limo. A classy move which actually worked]. And he does it all while wearing fashion ensembles which would probably give Tim Gunn a stroke. He's the best dressed man whore around. And after I've spent 3 hours agonizing over the correct word to use in my [never-ending] thesis, the guy who wants to agonize over his Moleskine notebook isn't all that appealing. But I have to admit, the hard-drinking, hard-drug taking, hard-scheming, plaid and stripe mix-matching man slut kinda is. You know, for a change of pace. Look, in real life it would be in my best interest to end up with mopey, Moleskine-toting, Eagleton reading boy. But hey, this is fake life where there are no consequences and white suits never get dirty. So be a fake jerk, and I'm all yours.



Exhibit B: Spencer Pratt
For all intents and purposes, Spencer Pratt is the biggest fake jerk around. Yeah sure, 'The Hills' is a "reality" show, just a reality show that re-shoots scenes to fit into a narrative and doesn't even care enough for continuity to make sure their star isn't wearing two different colors of nail polish in the same "scene." Spencer Pratt resides in that special place, the reality of the fictional universe, where the fake is presented to the world as real [...maybe reality television is the actual desert of the real] and where the real we see is clearly fake. Chuck Bass is a true fake jerk, but Spencer Pratt wants us to think he's such a fake jerk it's totally real - I mean, no one could act like that big a douche unless they actually were one. Right? But acting like a fake jerk takes some skillz - just ask one of my other loves, Kanye West. Kanye gets more press for not winning an award than he would if he actually won one, just for throwing a diva fit. Spencer Pratt can throw a carefully crafted diva fit too, ones that include such gems as telling his none-too bright sister "You're making yourself cry" [Probably the best line ever uttered on that show. Trust me. And here is the link for the episode containing this line for your viewing pleasure.]. But Spencer can pull off lines like that, just like Kanye can pull off classics like "George Bush doesn't care about black people" and it makes them more famous than they were before [In Spencer's case, 'fame' might be a relative term]. But basically Spencer Pratt is the Kanye West of 'The Hills.' Just white. And generally talentless.



Exhibit C: Alex Karev
Okay, I'll admit it took me awhile to warm up to this fake jerk. That's because I spent the first three seasons of 'Grey's Anatomy' totally enamored with George, who in real life I probably would have been enamored with too [too bad in real real life he's actually gay]. But then George turned into a man whore, getting married in a quickie Vegas ceremony only to sleep with his best friend, who let's face it, is one hell of annoying character. Suddenly George's over-earnestness stopped being endearing and was just an excuse as to why he couldn't possibly be a jerk. Too bad he was. Alex on the other hand, had always been a jerk and never admitted to being anything otherwise. A jerk who had surprising moments of tenderness - if you didn't melt when Alex pried the sobbing prom-dress clad Izzie off Denny's dead body to hold her in his arms while the sweet pseudo-indie chords of Snow Patrol played in the background then you don't have a heart [ This show has only gone down-hill after that amazing prom episode, btw]. All of this begs the question: which is better - the jerk masquerading as the nice guy or the straight up jerk who ever once in awhile has a genuine streak of niceness? This in turn begs another question: why am I using 'Grey's Anatomy' to ponder real life questions?!




As you can see, my love for the fake jerk runs deep - from trash TV to Kanye West to Bob Dylan to Mr. Darcy. Why?
I can only conclude that is because they are, indeed, fake.
No girl wants to date a real jerk....unless of course, that jerkiness if you know - fake.


Got that?