Yay/Nay.

Yay:

Stephen Colbert in Iraq.

Of course I am visiting the fam [who do not believe in cable] the week Stephen goes on his would have been top secret if it wasn't for Sarah Palin's Twitter mission to Iraq. But lucky for me Comedy Central happens to believe in offering full episodes of the Colbert Report online, so I got to see Stephen in all his tailored camoflauge suit glory on Tuesday morning. Stephen Colbert is really the perfect USO act - he clearly understands that braving a trip to Iraq to make a few people laugh doesn't necessarily make him a hero, but making people laugh is what he's good at so he might as well offer his talents any way he can. His double persona allows him to simultaneously not take his shit seriously like by filming a ridiculous version of his "basic training," but add legitimate touches of tribute as well, like by shaving his head military style to show his solidarity with the troops. Of the course the highlight of his first show was indeed when Stephen shaved his head into a military crop [and let's be real, Stephen has a good head of hair for a middle-aged man] thanks to a direct order from President Obama himself. Actually, I take that back. The best part is when Barack admits his ears big enough to hear all the way to Iraq:

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Lady Gaga + Kanye = Egotistical ART.

So apparently Lady Gaga and Kanye are going on tour together this summer, and not as co-headliners or one as the opening act, but actually performing together. My jury is still out on Lady Gaga - her songs are pretty catchy, and honestly, I think I would like her a whole lot more if Perez Hilton would just shut the fuck up about her already. She's bi! [or something] She wears crazy clothes! She is really good at posing with her gloved hand in front of her face! Too bad Karen O already thought of that...in like 2003! She's so "unique" and "original" that she stole her music video for Just Dance from a Skins advertisement! [No, I'm for serious. Watch Just Dance. Then watch the advertisement for the first season of Skins from way back in 2007 and tell me they aren't the same.]
But the point is putting two people together who ramble incessantly about how awesome their "art" is would probably make for an interesting show, especially because of the way its reportedly organized. I would probably go just to witness the spectacle and to see Kanye attempt to sing through his vocoder live and in person - too bad I spent $50 to see Kanye glow in the dark last year. Kanye spending quota met! For my entire life!
They will obviously have to perform this remix of Poker Face, which is actually pretty bangin', and finally everyone will realize how dirty that song actually is:


So You Think You Can Dance

Thanks Mom, I think you have gotten me addicted to this show. It's clearly meant to be methadone for those addicted to the American Idol heroin during the summer hiatus, but its not yet a giant product placement ad and there are minimal flashing lights on the stage so its less seizure-inducing than AI. The lady judge however, is the most annoying person to live on this planet - I am sure of it! - as her trademark is a crazy scream that sounds like a cross between a fire siren and a dying cat. But Alan Shankman has been a guest judge the first few episodes, and well, I kind of love him.
Plus, this Evan kid is a] from Michigan, b] clearly Polish since his last name is Kasprzak, and c] a worshiper of Gene Kelly, so therefore d] he is obviously awesome:






Nay:

The Hills Season Finale

The Speidi wedding was as ridiculous as I always expected it to be, and for once I don't really mean that in a good way. It's one thing for the Speidi crazy train to fuck with a "reality" TV show to get themselves more exposure, but its quite another to fuck with actual reality - Holly's breakdown at the rehearsal dinner over her sister's impending nuptials to a man she can't stand was a harsh reminder that maybe there is still a tad of reality left in The Hills, and it felt both disconcerting and voyeuristic to watch her desperate drunken sobs to her mother.
But the finale only proved that LC's departure won't even matter [as this short season proved that Whitney's didn't really matter either], mainly because it hasn't been her show for awhile now. Hopefully Kristen Cavallari can wrest control of the show away from Heidi and Spencer, or at the very least, hold her own. I think she can, and its not like Kristen was doing anything else super meaningful with her "career" so why not try and shake things up a bit?
And OF COURSE Kristen caught the bouquet at the Speidi wedding - I wonder how many takes they had to film for that to work out properly. This weekend at my friends' wedding the bride had to throw her bouquet twice - and she wasn't even aiming for who the producers told her to! - because the first time it went straight up into the ceiling. And the second time, I caught it. Because it is a proven fact that the more I drink, the more coordinated I get [The catch was truly spectacular, as I plucked it out of midair.]
Note how beautiful and together Heidi's bouquet still looks after Kristen caught it:





















Compare with the bloody aftermath of my alcohol fuled bouquet adventure - because come on, most bouquets are caught in a drunken haze:














Maybe The Hills isn't so real after all.


Penguins

And by Penguins, I mean the Pittsburgh Penguins, who if the universe aligns correctly will be losing the Stanley Cup to my beloved Detroit Red Wings Friday night. And if the universe really aligns, goalie Chris Osgood will be named the MVP and get to hoist the Con Smythe trophy [Plus Ozzie is kinda cute! Chris Pine could play him in the biopic!]. And if the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars, then peace will guide the planet, love will steer the stars, and Steve Yzerman will pull a Micheal Jordan/Brett Favre and come out of retirement and play next season.

And who do I petition to make Don't Stop Believing the new theme song for Detroit? Because as this video indicates, it clearly should be:




Michelle Obama at Westminster Abbey

Well kids, it finally happened - Michelle Obama wore an outfit I didn't like. Her get up for her visit to Westminster Abbey was just ugly, what with its weird fake flowers, '80s belt and slicked back hair:













But then I looked at the pictures of the day I went to Westminster Abbey, and I was wearing jeans, a pink tank top and a black hoodie all three of which I am pretty sure were purchased at Target. So congrats, you still win Michelle.



The Eve of Destruction

Dear world, I would appreciate it if planes stopped disappearing over the open ocean, Slim Jim factories stopped exploding, swine stopped taking us over with their flu, the economy stopped being non existent, and hateful octogenarians stopped shooting up Holocaust museums. Thanks.

Adorno famously said that we can't write poetry after Auschwitz, but I would appreciate some nice pretty poetry right now as I could use something to remind me that beautiful stuff really can still exist in this world. Because I think it might be the end of the world as we know it, and let me tell you, I don't really feel fine.

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The Hills: The Shadiest Wedding in the History of the World.

So.

If a guy who was sporting a crazy beard that made him look like he just rolled out of the woods smuggled me off to Mexico where he got me wasted on tequila only to tell me that he had brought me to a foreign country with the sole intention of marrying me - secretly! - away from all my family and friends because they would just interfere with the creepy It's only the two of us forever and ever and ever and ever and Oh? you know that stalker song by the Police? Yeah that will be our wedding song vibe, I would you know, think it was weird.

Oh, but not Heidi Montag! No! To her, its romantic! Really, if I get married I would want the guy to tell me he was madly in love with me, not as Spencer so eloquently put it, "madly obsessed" with me. To um, each her own? I guess?

I know Us Weekly [Who of course just "happened" to be in Mexico at the exact same time and the exact same place of the "secret" wedding Spencer "secretly" planned before he even left LA] published Spencer and Heidi's wedding vows, but I don't buy it. I think this is how Spencer's vows really went:

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I'll be watching you

Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
Hills cameras will be watching you


And I'm sure Heidi's vows went something like:

Yes, dear leader. I love you dear leader. Let's get married dear leader. Why yes I will serve you champagne while wearing a slutty bikini and high heels and a crucifix necklace dear leader. Would you like a vat of my special recipe grape Kool-Aid to wash that champagne down dear leader?

Or, something akin to that.


Aside from the creepiest wedding to happen outside a cult compound, Whitney left LA. Oh tear sob. Lauren can't handle herself now that Whitney isn't there to listen to her non-existant man problems - I mean seriously, like LC needed anyone's advice on that painfully obvious Doug [non]situation. Lo must be rejoicing because now she gets Lauren and Whitney's former screen time all to herself [for ever and ever and ever and ever....].

And poor Whitney, she doesn't know how to go grocery shopping in the city! [Because LA is you know, not a real city - just some imaginary happy place where its always sunset and the palm trees are always green and its always a comfortable 76 degrees] Does she take a cab? Does she ride a bike? Why yes Whitney dear, I have done both of those! Well, not ride a bike because I don't know how, but my roommate has. Or you could do something really novel and walk back and forth from the grocery store! I know that sounds impossible what with the sheer physical strength it takes to carry grocery bags, but I did that exact thing yesterday and guess what? I lived to tell the tale. Amazing! Sure, I can't cook to save my life so like 75% of what I buy is Lean Cuisine, but hey, I am pretty sure all Whitney eats is alfalfa sprouts. So I think she can handle it.

By the way, there is no reason Audrina exists on this show anymore. Her character self could really be doing other things now. Like making B-horror movies that 4 people will watch with all the mad acting skillz she exhibits on the show.

Lauren also serves no purpose on this show anymore....and isn't it like her show or something?

Bring back Nana Pratt!!!! I bet there is some drama at the senior center!!!!


Oh, and I stole that picture from Perez. Whatevs.

The Hills: "Why you bangin' Justin Bobby?"

Yes Lauren, answer Brody's question.
Fine, by now I guess we've established that LC never banged the JB, thank god. [Also, JB is basically Serena Van Der Woodsen's bf Aaron Rose, but in real life. Yes?]

What else happened?
Audrina cried, LC looked vaguely concerned, Lo has no problems that aren't LC's, Brody was a shirtless jerk, Audrina's sister acted wise, Whitney also acted wise, Chiara acted wise too, Grandma Pratt was wise because she is old, no one who is a cast member - besides Whitney - acted wise at all, Stephanie apparently never sees her grandma, Heidi sucked up, and Spencer used the word "janky."

So basically business as usual.

It does stand to be mentioned I think that the scene with Grandma Pratt was ridamndiculous, and pretty sad that Spencer's only BFF is apparently his grandma. But hey, apparently she makes good lemonade, so whatever floats your boat Spencer.

LC and Audrina are friends [again], so this rumor was pointless. And next week Whitney leaves for NYC- nooooooooooooooo! She is the only cast member that is mildly sensible. Even if she dresses like she shops at a Salvation Army circa 1992.

What else is set to happen next week? Oh, I forget.

Also, I Googled Imaged "Nana Pratt" and I got pictures of a tornado in Pratt, Kansas. I feel this is telling.

The Hills: Team Justin Bobby ?!

The rumor went like this: LC got it on with Justin Bobby.
Oh, and Audrina had heard the rumor from some dude named "Dino."

There were like 2 episodes this season where I kind of liked Audrina, but then she went and believed a ridiculous rumor from a ridiculous dude named Dino. I have never met Dino, but since he prefers to be called "Dino" I am pretty sure its safe to assume he's ridiculous. Clearly all said Dino wants is his shout-out on the Hills, so he craftily made up this ridiculous shit hoping Audrina would be dumb enough to believe him. [There. Did I say "ridiculous" enough?]

And since LC had the gall to call [snap!] Justin Bobby - and I quote - "disgusting" on national television, I don't think she is too worried about hurting his feelings. So I am going to have to say this rumor is probably not the truest thing in the world.

Oh, and Audrina apparently left Justin Bobby a string of foul mouthed messages asking him what the deal was. Which is, I suppose, kind of awesome. But their face to face conversation about the rumor sure made Audrina seem like a spoiled 12 year old while Justin Bobby was surprisingly and uncharacteristically eloquent and mature [he used the word "fictitious" for goshsakes!!]. So when the most mature person in this whole situation is Justin Bobby, I think you might have a problem Audrina.

Also, LC and Audrina - when having a serious conversation is the best place to meet really a bangin' club?! And who exactly was that random woman seated between you who looked awwwwwwwwwwwwwkward during the whole thing?!

None of this matters really because next week we get to see Grandma Pratt!! excla!

Speaking of the Pratts, congratulations [!!!!11] to Heidi and Spencer on getting married last week. This marriage is clearly a sham, much like the entirety of this show, and since it happened sneakily in Mexico I am pretty sure it actually didn't happen at all.
Nevertheless, watching this 'After Show' is totally worth it just to see the part where the host casually mentions that the wedding happened on Thursday, not that day like Holly clearly thought it did. Her shocked "what!" is priceless. But her tears are kind of sad. Aw.

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Why [fake] jerks are awesome.

Some Monday night in the very near future, I will probably go brain dead.
Yes, it will specifically be a Monday night, because that is the night I descend into that lowest rung of TV viewership and watch 'The Hills.' And 'Gossip Girl.'
I know my brain is supposed to be occupied with thoughts that make me worthy to attend the Brown Graduate School, that I am supposed to spend all my waking moments thinking about [post?] post modernism, the correct number of footnotes for my thesis and learning my 4th language so I can fit in cultured society [Uzbek? Try to give me a language exam in that!].
But come Monday nights, fuck that. I mean, how can I concentrate on being a pretentious, elitist Ivy League grad school bitch when Spencer Pratt is so damn entertaining?! And don't even get me started on the pure genius [in fashion sense and otherwise] that is Chuck Bass.
Okay, so on Thursday nights any intellectual brain activity goes out the window as well. But seriously, its ABC's fault for allowing Dr. Alex Karev to walk around for at least one scene weekly during 'Grey's Anatomy' in nothing but a wife beater.
Clearly, my affinity for jerk characters on melodramatic and brain wasting television shows needs to be analyzed.
Because the only thing better than wasting time on these television shows is wasting more time discussing them.



Exhibit A: Chuck Bass
In real life, I would hate Chuck Bass. But you can't get further from real life than 'Gossip Girl,' so in fake life, I totally love him. In real life, I would probably have a crush on his kinda nemesis Dan Humphrey, the mopey boy from Brooklyn who writes short stories on the Hamptons beach by bonfire light about his tortured love for the unattainable girl and who, thanks to some enterprising prop master, has a copy of Terry Eagleton's 'Literary Theory' on his bookshelf [Yes, I actually noticed that. And yes, I guess I can't escape my pretensions even when watching trash TV]. But on TV writing mopey stories bonfire-side seems kind of ridiculous [which I suppose even in real life, it is] but not ridiculous enough to be all that entertaining. My dear Chuck on the other hand, is so ridiculous that he is amazingly entertaining. And by ridiculous I mean he has tried to seduce a 14 year old girl [in the pilot episode, natch], Dan Humphrey's woman by offering her a grilled cheese with truffle oil [in the pilot too], and his best friend's woman [In the back seat of a limo. A classy move which actually worked]. And he does it all while wearing fashion ensembles which would probably give Tim Gunn a stroke. He's the best dressed man whore around. And after I've spent 3 hours agonizing over the correct word to use in my [never-ending] thesis, the guy who wants to agonize over his Moleskine notebook isn't all that appealing. But I have to admit, the hard-drinking, hard-drug taking, hard-scheming, plaid and stripe mix-matching man slut kinda is. You know, for a change of pace. Look, in real life it would be in my best interest to end up with mopey, Moleskine-toting, Eagleton reading boy. But hey, this is fake life where there are no consequences and white suits never get dirty. So be a fake jerk, and I'm all yours.



Exhibit B: Spencer Pratt
For all intents and purposes, Spencer Pratt is the biggest fake jerk around. Yeah sure, 'The Hills' is a "reality" show, just a reality show that re-shoots scenes to fit into a narrative and doesn't even care enough for continuity to make sure their star isn't wearing two different colors of nail polish in the same "scene." Spencer Pratt resides in that special place, the reality of the fictional universe, where the fake is presented to the world as real [...maybe reality television is the actual desert of the real] and where the real we see is clearly fake. Chuck Bass is a true fake jerk, but Spencer Pratt wants us to think he's such a fake jerk it's totally real - I mean, no one could act like that big a douche unless they actually were one. Right? But acting like a fake jerk takes some skillz - just ask one of my other loves, Kanye West. Kanye gets more press for not winning an award than he would if he actually won one, just for throwing a diva fit. Spencer Pratt can throw a carefully crafted diva fit too, ones that include such gems as telling his none-too bright sister "You're making yourself cry" [Probably the best line ever uttered on that show. Trust me. And here is the link for the episode containing this line for your viewing pleasure.]. But Spencer can pull off lines like that, just like Kanye can pull off classics like "George Bush doesn't care about black people" and it makes them more famous than they were before [In Spencer's case, 'fame' might be a relative term]. But basically Spencer Pratt is the Kanye West of 'The Hills.' Just white. And generally talentless.



Exhibit C: Alex Karev
Okay, I'll admit it took me awhile to warm up to this fake jerk. That's because I spent the first three seasons of 'Grey's Anatomy' totally enamored with George, who in real life I probably would have been enamored with too [too bad in real real life he's actually gay]. But then George turned into a man whore, getting married in a quickie Vegas ceremony only to sleep with his best friend, who let's face it, is one hell of annoying character. Suddenly George's over-earnestness stopped being endearing and was just an excuse as to why he couldn't possibly be a jerk. Too bad he was. Alex on the other hand, had always been a jerk and never admitted to being anything otherwise. A jerk who had surprising moments of tenderness - if you didn't melt when Alex pried the sobbing prom-dress clad Izzie off Denny's dead body to hold her in his arms while the sweet pseudo-indie chords of Snow Patrol played in the background then you don't have a heart [ This show has only gone down-hill after that amazing prom episode, btw]. All of this begs the question: which is better - the jerk masquerading as the nice guy or the straight up jerk who ever once in awhile has a genuine streak of niceness? This in turn begs another question: why am I using 'Grey's Anatomy' to ponder real life questions?!




As you can see, my love for the fake jerk runs deep - from trash TV to Kanye West to Bob Dylan to Mr. Darcy. Why?
I can only conclude that is because they are, indeed, fake.
No girl wants to date a real jerk....unless of course, that jerkiness if you know - fake.


Got that?