Gossip Girl: Let's Get Married.

So last week, I had my GG blog 3/4 done and then Blogger decided it was going to delete it. And then real life [I have one of those occasionally] happened, and I never rewrote it. Oh well. But this week was better anyway, because it was about Dorota! Kocham Cię Dorota!!!!

Everyone knows that Dorota is the best character on Gossip Girl [and that there's a good chance she actually is Gossip Girl], but before we can get to her we have to slough through talking about everyone else. Just kidding! I love them all! But not as much as Dorota!

The only person I love on almost the same level as Dorota is Chuck, and he solidified my love by throwing a Polish wedding and pulling a flask out of his pajamas. As a Polish girl myself, I can say that the quickest way to our heart is with some booze, so you're on the right track Mr. Chuck.

Okay,  fine - Chuck is a pretty hardcore jerk, as evidenced by the fact that his dreams look like some Humphrey Bogart noir movie. But you have to admit  managing to sell out Blair and then make her feel guilty for breaking up with him was some pretty suave shit.  Considering that Blair has struggled with an eating disorder [Yeah, do any of the writers remember that?] it's clear that she's had some self image issues, so the fact that she left Chuck because she realized that he made her feel like the worst version of herself instead of the best, is understandable.

You know what else wouldn't help Blair's self image? That hideous bridesmaid dress that looked like it came from that long ago Project Runway challenge where the designers had to make a skating outfit for Sasha Cohen [Santino! Chloe! Andre! Oh how I miss you!].

Anyway, when Blair saw how adorable Vanya and Dorota were she decided she was over the games with Chuck - they weren't fun and exciting anymore, just tiresome and humiliating if you end up on the wrong end of them.  But as Serena so sagely pointed out, Chuck and Blair love games so its only a matter of time until they fall back into their old ways. Or, in the immortal words of Fleetwood Mac: "Thunder only happens when its raining/ players only love you when they're playing."  Ever since Blair and Chuck have hooked up they've lost some of their zing, mainly because part of their charm was watching them circle each other like protagonists in, well, a Humphrey Bogart noir movie.  So while its beyond obvious that these two ultimately belong together, for the sake of plot, I am looking forward to them finding their way back to each other.

And in the meantime, Blair is totally going to hook up with Dan, since he was the one who was there to tell her she wasn't a horrible person when she was feeling all sad and depressed. Plus, I am pretty sure Blair's had a minor crush on him ever since he threw her headband down a stairwell, so mark my words. This will happen.

But do you know who thinks they're Chuck and Blair? Nate and Serena!  FALSE. They will never take their places in our hearts, even if they attempt their own stupid head games.  Serena lied to Nate to go see Carter Bazen because he is the ONLY person on the Upper East Side who has a P.I. [again, false] since apparently she is still searching for her father.  And Serena couldn't tell Nate about it because.....? Well whatever excuse she gave Nate made no sense, and because he has no sense himself he kind of bought it for the time being.  Until she ran off with Carter in the middle of a wedding and Jenny acted like a little bitch who I am starting to love and snooped in her purse and found incriminating evidence.

So Jenny is getting her claws into Nate, which is surprising considering that hideous ensemble she was wearing consisting of a nude dress that looked like a Band-Aid across the bust, hooker tights and garish lipstick.  But since Nate is dating Serena, I guess he's into that look.  And now that Serena is in Palm Springs distracted and dealing with family dramz, Jenny can really go in for the kill. Team Jenny! But not Team What Jenny Was Wearing At The Wedding!

Jenny wasn't the only one looking for love at the wedding - Eric's  new mancrush appeared, rather inexplicably but whatevs, with his oh noes! girlfriend.  But hey, he's bi, so its totally cool that he strung this girl along by bringing her as his date to a wedding just so he could stalk this boy who bumped into him in the lobby of his building and then subsequently found out who he was by knocking on every door in the place.  Class!

Now speaking of real class, don't you just want to give Dorota and Vanya a hug!? And as has just been confirmed by my dear friend K Fig, yes, it was perfectly acceptable to think that out of his doorman uniform Vanya was kind of hot.  I think these two crazy kids might make it work guys!

As for the actual wedding, I cannot speak for the Russians, but that reception was way too classy to actually be Polish style.  There was no guy playing bad Euro techno in the background [instead they played Leighton Meester's track, which, no.] and everyone seemed way too sober.  Vodka needs to flow like rain! The priest who just married you is supposed to be drunk and trying to polka! [Though, I guess Dorota and Vanya were married Orthodox rite, so those clergy may roll differently than the good old Polish Catholic ones I am used to.] And most importantly, no one does stupid shit with balloons!

But on a more sober note, it was eerily prescient of GG to air an episode of Polish Dorota and Russian Vanya getting married just as Poland and Russia put aside their differences and shared a moment of grief over the death of President Kaczynski. So let  Dorota and Vanya be a model to us all. Sto lat kids, sto lat.

Gossip Girl: Jagged Little Pill.

Oh my beloved little GG, there were a few episodes this season I was worried about you. You know, when you tried to convince us that Serena was actually interested in politics. But with this episode, oh this glorious episode - which was, dare I say, probably the best of the season - you have redeemed yourself.

This year we've essentially gotten two seasons of GG, the fall series which focused on Serena and Nate and this spring series which is focusing on Chuck and Jenny [And if this show was on cable, each of those halves actually would be its own season]. And honestly, that massive break between the two was the best thing that could have happened. It gave the show a chance to course correct itself before it veered off a bridge and crashed into some wolves - oh wait, in the reality of the fictional universe that occurred! - and get back to Chuck Bass, who is the only person worth caring about.

Of course, everything isn't completely fixed - Dan and Vanessa are zzzZZZzzZZZzzz, Rufus is clueless, Serena thinks she's not a prostitute, Blair has no friends, Chuck is the richest homeless person in New York and Jenny almost got date raped [again!].

Okay, let us start our weekly discussion my dear reader with Dan and Vanessa because frankly, I just want to get it over with. So D and V have been dating for a grand total of....two weeks? Does shit move in real time on this show? Like 24? Or is the time line all collapsed and condensed like Lost? Does it matter on this show? [Answer: No, resoundingly, no.] But anyway, Vanessa is already all upset that her and Dan are in a "rut," mainly because she thinks all they do is exactly what they did as BFFs except for the you know, benefits.

Which is true, because Dan and Vanessa already did everything together so essentially they have long functioned like a couple - an old married couple at that, with all their stupid bickering - so the fact that they sit at home and eat noodles sounds about right. So Vanessa panicked and took relationship advice from Serena, which you should only do if you are indeed panicked, and decided that to spice the love life up with Dan she would dress up like a character from one of his favorite movies.

Which, okay, role playing, fun! But of all movies, in all the world, you had to pick Rear Window Vanessa?! Now I'm not dissing Rear Window, that movie is pretty awesome, but when I think of hot sexy times it's not the first thing that comes to mind. Sure, Jimmy Stewart is adorable and Grace Kelly's wardrobe is bananas [Omg, seriously, did I just type that?!] but it involves murder!!!! I don't know what kind of weird kinky shit you're into Vanessa but I generally find that death and murder kill the mood.

So things got all awkward when Rufus showed up to eat flan, and V stormed out and Dan saved the day by showing up at her dorm with pierogi. Look, I'm Polish/Slovak so showing up at my doorstep with pierogi would basically melt my heart. So be my bf, Dan?!

Side note - I couldn't concentrate on anything else in that scene where Dan and Vanessa want to tell everyone they are together [pictured above!] except for V's earrings because they looked exactly like these beaded charms that were all the rage when I was like 11 and at Girl Scout camp:










Anyhow, all of this could have been avoided if Vanessa just wised up to the fact that you shouldn't really listen to Serena about anything, let alone relationships. See Vanessa, Serena and Nate have crazy sex all the time because there is nothing else to their relationship, mainly because there isn't anything else in those beautiful blond heads of theirs. You and Dan both at least know who Hitchcock is and would go to some obscure film festive together, so be thankful for that.

Serena and Nate on the other hand are so thick that they didn't realize Blair brought a bunch of prostitutes to her mom's fashion show [stay classy!], which I mean, come on. Nate you are Chuck Bass' BFF and also, you're dating a hooker. God, I need to stop being so mean to Serena. Sisterhood! Women's rights! And stuff! But buy a skirt that actually covers your lady parts and then we'll talk Serena.

But Blair had to bring her pay by the hour friends to Eleanor's fashionz show because she has no real friends in real life, since everyone finds her annoying at NYU. Which is true, I probably wouldn't be friends with Blair if I knew her in real life, but man is she awesome to watch on TV!

So next year Blair will probably transfer to Columbia, now that she's free of all that "Oops I blackmailed a teacher so now its hard to get into college" nonsense, where she'll run wild training her headband wearing minions and probably hook up with Nate again. It's gonna be totes fun!

You know what else is going to be fun? Chuck's upcoming efforts to take down Jack Bass [which as K Fig pointed out, when said quickly does sort of sound like "jackass." I see what you did there writers!]. Chuck's mother kicked him out of Hotel Empire, then claimed she wasn't his mother, even though she is, then told Jack she didn't love him, even though she does, or something. God seriously if this is the last we see of her, what a pointless character. But at least we finally figured out where her kind of accent is from! She's from Switzerland! Now can I have some Lindt please?

And lastly, let us talk about our dear Little J. Oh Jenny, you left a bag of drugs alone with a bunch of models?! And you thought nothing bad would come of that?! And you want to work in fashion!? Get it together girl!

So Agnes drugged Jenny to get her back for all that drama that went down last year between them that I don't fully recall except that someone burned someone else's dresses. Wait, didn't someone want to be emancipated from their parents? Or some such nonsense? Whatever, it doesn't matter because Agnes fakely welcomed Jenny back into her life with a hug and an "I love you bitch!" That's really all you need to know.

Agnes then threw Jenny's drugged ass at some drunk, horny bachelor party attendees and left her to fend for herself. You're such a nice friend, bitch! Of course Nate saw her being kidnapped and being the knight in shining armor that he is used some crazy creeper stalker smartphone app that I discovered ACTUALLY EXISTS IRL to locate her.

Even though Jenny was on the verge of death she managed to sober up in 2.3 seconds to fool Rufus and it was, for lack of a better term, ridiculous. I love when Rufus grounds Jenny because she always gets into more trouble than when she's not, and as a general rule, Rufus remains oblivious to the fact. Father of the year award!

But I have to say I kind of love Hot Mess Jenny, because she's a lot more interesting to watch than Annoying Brat Wannabe Queen Jenny. And now she has a crush on Nate -again! -and her fighting with her step sister over a boy is going to be stupid fun.

So in closing, I realized Monday night that there actually is a 13th Way to Make A Ke$ha:

Gossip Girl: Like a Virgin.

I laughed so hard through this entire episode of Gossip Girl, and I am not entirely sure I was supposed to. But, come on, when Blair uses the word "haberdashery" within the first 2 minutes you know its going to be a ridiculous hour [more so than usual anyway].

The gist of the episode? Jenny's a virgin, Serena's a slut, Chuck's a sexual harasser, Dan and Vanessa are friends with benefits [in certain zones] and it only appeared that Rufus had hot scarf sex with his neighbor.

So let's talk about sex, shall we?

Oh Jenny, Jenny, Jenny. There's this part in An Education after Carey Mulligan has been duped by a scheming older man [sound familiar?!] and she comes all repentant back to her school's headmistress Emma Thompson about basically being a "ruined woman" and Emma's all like "You're not a woman." Emma's right of course, because she's Emma freakin' Thompson.

I'd actually recommend this movie for you more than Dirty Dancing Jenny, but then how could you listen to "The Time Of My Life" on your VCast phone and pick up some product placement ca$h?!



Anyway, the point is, when we're 16 we think we're older than we actually are and its usually not until we actually are older do we realize our mistake. Sure, parents, older siblings and friends, etc., can all tell us we're being stupid but golly gee, they just don't understand what being young was like anymore! Oh the angst!

So poor Jenny, skipping school to be with Damien, who, let's be real, is just a horny drug pedaling douchebag. Also since he went to boarding school with Serena, isn't this situation sort of...statutory?! He's definitely no Johnny Castle! [And you don't get that reference Jenny, because you don't even know what Dirty Dancing is you heathen. Kids these days. When I was younger my mom was like, "You should watch Dirty Dancing. I think you're old enough for that now." Then we bought the VHS at a garage sale and I think that was her version of "the talk." Hi mom! Love you!]

But Jenny, when even Serena Van der Slutsen tells you not to sleep with a guy because he's probably bad news, you probably shouldn't sleep with him. Because Serena will sleep with basically anyone. Was that mean? Too bad it's true! Yet Jenny, wise and sage 16 year old that she is, decides its a spectacular idea to lose her virginity to a Belgian drug dealer. Sigh. Though, to be fair, Damien does have some pretty great hair.

Of course in the end she doesn't, because Damien is all callous and jerky about it, which, bravo Jenny way to have a spine. But then, she lies to Serena -of all people! - and lets her know that Little J's V card has been swiped. Because its cool to be a slut? Or something? Ugggghhh Jenny!

Serena meanwhile is all sad and remorseful that she didn't lose her virginity to someone special, a moral crisis she already went through in the first season when Dan made her paper snowflakes or some shit. So that was boring. Because it already happened.

And Nate was all mopey because he lost his virginity to Serena at a wedding on a bar when he was still dating Blair [Ahahahahhaahahaha God these people. Stay classy!] and the next day Serena packed up for boarding school leaving him sad and lonely. But now they're together! And they bang all the time! But they love each now! So its totally awesome! Actually I don't think Serena and Nate love each other as much as they love banging each other, but its cool guys. You'll have to get broken up for sweeps anyway.

Meanwhile across town, unlike Jenny, Chuck was getting into trouble for having too much sexytime. Or some of his employees were suing him for sexual harassment. Or something. You can never really tell with this show. Hey while you're at it ladies, remember those times Chuck almost raped his now step-sisters?! Creepy, huh?

But that's all behind us, because Chuck has reformed himself and he apologized to Jenny [but never to Serena!], so we're supposed to know now that all these accusations are false. We also know that Uncle Jack is behind it, because he showed up out of the blue sporting a creeper beard! Also when Uncle Jack tried to rape Lily at the Opera, Chuck came to her defense! So Chuck's the good guy now! [SERIOUSLY THESE PEOPLE.]

In Uncle Jack's defense though, he gave Lily what might be the best apology in the history of well, ever: " I was drinking. Took some over-the-counter pills they started keeping behind the counter. And some meth." Glad that's cleared up!

Speaking of meth, I'm probably going to have to take some if I'm going to have to keep dealing with Dan and Vanessa together. It just skeeves me out. And now I know why thanks to Rufus, who pointed out that Vanessa practically lives with the Humphreys and is therefore practically Dan's sister. Gah! Again with the dating of you sister[ish] person Dan!

Meet some new people Dan! Join a book club! Volunteer at a soup kitchen! Go to someplace in New York that isn't Brooklyn or the Upper East Side! Freaking talk to some other people in your college classes! I would even advise you to join match.com but one summer afternoon I was kind of bored and an ad popped up for it on my Facebook so I decided I would see what the heck it was like, so I made a stupid profile and everything and then I realized it was basically just a creepy/sleazy Facebook that you have to pay for [!!!!!] so after that roughly 15 minutes I was done with it. But in an attempt to hook me in they emailed me my first "matches" for free, and do know who my best match was? Some guy I already knew in real life! So don't go to match.com Dan, you'll probably end up finding some long lost sister you never knew you had. There is after all already one long lost Humphrey sibling, so why can't there be two!?

Lastly, I suppose we should discuss Rufus and Lily but, just.....
I am pretty over those two at this point. The writers spent so much time in the first two seasons keeping them apart that now that they're together it's like all the show knows how to do is continue finding ludicrous reasons to still keep them apart. How long have they been married? And of that short time, how much time have they actually spent together?! These non "fights" are just getting taxing and annoying now, and in all honesty I care more about the kids on this show than their parents.

At least Billy Baldwin is coming! And next week! Next week looks spectacular:

1. The episode name is "The Empire Strikes Jack" - I love your pun-y episode names GG, especially when they are about something dear to my heart, like Star Wars.
2. Brandeis the call girl is back!
3. Agnes is back! And she brings drugs!
4. Jenny gets drugged! After she breaks up with a drug dealer! Oh, sweet irony.
5. Blair saying "Prostitutes are people too."

Gossip Girl: It's a Hard Knock Life.

Gossip Girl has returned my friends! And Serena is still slutty, Blair is still scheming, Dan is still lovesick, Nate is still a pretty-boy airhead, Chuck is still rocking purple Willy Wonka suits, Jenny is still sewing ugly clothing, and Rufus and Lily are still arguing about something dumb. In other words, even though the earth is basically shaking itself apart with earthquakes, some things are still right in the world.

It was indeed comforting to hear the dulcet tones of Gossip Girl herself again after what seemed like a far too long hiatus, and she welcomed us back into the fold with some of her classiest narration yet, opening the episode by quoting Dickens [this is a lot classier than that time she opened an episode by quoting James Frey].

It was an appropriate beginning of course, because Chuck Bass' life has suddenly been transformed into every Victorian novel ever: Rich orphans! Lockets! Long lost mothers! Long lost mothers who are whores! Paging Oliver Twist/ David Cooperfield/ Cosette/ Jane Eyre/ Eliza Doolittle/ the Slumdog Millionaire!

The difference obviously is that in the Victorian trope, the orphans usually come into a vast fortune as a reward for their virtue and innocence, but Chuck Bass is well...Chuck Bass. Though he's been strangely good lately, hasn't he? Well I mean he does have a gf who is willing to dress like a slutty Anna Karenina for him [Whoa, weirdly literary episode, huh?], but he's not scamming anyone, calling up hookers or doing blow anymore, so we'll say he's shaping up.

And of course Elizabeth is actually Chuck's mother, and of course she's lying about it, and of course Blair can see through that noise, and of course we know she's lying because she has the other half of the locket!! Obviously, the whole "A locket is all I have left from my dead parents!" plotline is the basically the plot of Annie, so I am holding out hope that by the end of this season Chuck will break into a Glee style rendition of Tomorrow. I would settle for him actually saying "Leapin' Lizards!" too.

But in the meantime, Chuck is going to go off and sulk about the fact that he feels like he lost his mother twice even though he you know, never actually lost her once. And Blair is going to whine about getting into secret French societies that don't sound nearly as cool as the Skull & Bones, and no one will care.

Speaking of whiny people, Jenny was in the episode! A whole lot! And now that she's an international drug dealer, she's suddenly strangely not annoying. I think that's because Jenny was most irritating when she was a little brat trying to be Queen of Constance, and that whole storyline was pretty played out, but GG has essentially decided as of late that to make things easier its just going to dispense with the idea that these people actually go to any kind of school at all.

Which makes sense, because come on, there was no way Nate could get into Columbia in real life.

And now that Jenny is a high roller selling drugs with Damien to the elite of New York [and French ambassadors' daughters], she won't need school either because if she keeps it up she'll make enough cash to be richer than Lily in about 3 weeks. But there is a 400% chance the gig will be up soon, because Jenny is stupid, as made obvious by the fact that she decided to smuggle drugs into a state dinner by sewing them into some hideous sweater which she made overnight. Did she knit the sweater herself? Or just buy a sweater shrug from the thrift store and glue the drug buttons on herself? How did pills fit into those little bedazzler do-hickeys?! And wouldn't Serena notice her sweater was heavy because it was filled with pills?! So many unimportant questions about an unimportant TV show.

Normally I also would have said that the idea of foppish Little J and Second Coming of Nate Damien smuggling drugs into a state dinner would be completely ludicrous, but then this happened:




















So obviously Jenny and Damien are going to hook up next week and I want to smack some sense into that girl, because with a name like Damien he has to be bad. I mean, have you seen any horror movies Little J?! Maybe, I don't know, The Omen?!

Since Damien is a bad boy himself it was only a matter of time before it was revealed that he knew Serena from her bad girl days at boarding school, even though Serena claims she's "changed. And that's a good thing." Ahahahahahaha that's funny Serena because you totally did it with Nate on Eleanor Waldorf's floor!

Like...I don't even understand. Why was Serena at Eleanor's? Why was Nate there? Why wasn't Blair there? Would it kill you to keep it in your pants for once Serena? At least until you get to a more appropriate place, like say, a coat check room? And where, oh where is Dorota so she can reign these people in again?!

I don't really have much to say about this Serena/Nate romance except that its already nauseating, and I can't wait for its inevitable end. Serena and Nate are the most vacuous and vapid purrrrtty people on this show, so putting them together is sort of like saying "Hey viewer! Tonight's Gossip Girl has been replaced by footage of a Barbie doll and GI Joe doll sitting there in their boxes! Enjoy!"

Actually do they make Zac Efron High School Musical dolls? Because that really would be the better choice to play Nate.

I KNEW IT. They do! Thanks Google Images:



















Whatever, Nate is still better than Aaron Rose.

Anyway, the only thing more nauseating than Serena/Nate is going to be Dan and Vanessa and considering both of them were conspicuously absent this episode, we'll probably get a heavy dose of them next week. Even though Dan was only in this episode for a hot second, he had the audacity to tell Rufus to make his own waffles, which is the bitchiest thing to ever cross his lips. And it was awesome. Someone has been taking lessons from Blair!

Lastly, I suppose I should discuss Rufus and Lily but....their argument is so stupid I don't even have the energy. Lily kissed her ex husband so Rufus is going to bang their neighbor? Yeah, that will help the situation!

The Baldwin that isn't Alec or Stephen is supposed to be appearing soon as said ex, so at least that should be entertaining. And I hope then more is revealed about Lily's "secret" because this is just lame. Once you already have a secret love child plot line, its sort of hard to top that, so I am not even really sure what the writers are trying to accomplish with this story.

But that's the hard knock life, right? Instead of getting treated you get tricked! Like into thinking that this show might actually make sense every once in a while!

Gossip Girl: Ghosts of Christmases Past.

So after last week's snoozefest [seriously, does anyone remember what happened?], this week's installment was the kind of Gossip Girl I live for: an episode so deliciously terrible it reaches the heights of the sublime.

Ghosts? A dead mother's return? Teenage drug dealing? A Chappaquidick-esque car accident? Pot secretly stashed in the book I hated most in high school? Chuck Bass sharing his "feelings"? Dan sharing his feelings? Nate punching someone in the face? Serena laid up in hospital bed? A girl named Willa trying to be seductive while wearing a gold lame blouse? A spin of Empire State of Mind which currently has 98 plays on my iTunes? Yes, yes, and more yes!

So let's start by discussing said strangely attired Willa and her sudden lust for Danny Boy. I know Dan's guns have been growing by the episode, but seriously girl you need to chillax. Seducing some guy you just met by showing him a sex tape of yourself under the guise of "performance art" while you wear a hideous outfit doesn't work, does it?! Oh who am I kidding, the sex tape masquerading as "performance art" is probably Adam Lambert's favorite form of seduction! Anyway, on to matters that aren't two weeks old, Dan decided to get it on with Willa despite the fact that she was crazy - "actresses are crazy!" Nate told him - but sexy time was interrupted by a phone call which told him his sister by marriage who he used to bang was in the hospital. It was just as well since Dan was only lowering himself to Willa's level because he couldn't get Vanessa, but once at the hospital and overcome by "Life is short!" thoughts Dan decided it was time to spill his guts to V. Because its been you know, a whole week, so Dan must be in luuuuuuurrrrrrvvvvvve. But alas, Vanessa didn't return his sentiments [she's still convinced that Paul dude is straight. Ahahahahaha], and once again poor Dan found himself a Lonely Boy.

Also having love troubles were Lily and Rufus, who have been far too happy for far too long. Ever since the lamest twist of fate ever, when Maureen ended up with Lily's super secret letter from Daddy Van der Woodsen because she had the same coat as Lily, the coat closet in the Van der Humphrey household has been in an uproar. Of course Lily was never able to locate the letter because Maureen, who is actually probably the smartest person on this show, was planning on using it to blackmail Serena to get her to back off of Tripp. Once Lily got wind of The Situation [a phrase which I now think is trademarked by MTV], she decided to lady up and tell Rufus that she had a secret meeting with Serena's father, but in true soap opera fashion was interrupted by the hospital calling to say her daughter had been in a car accident. Whatever Lily did when she met Serena's father probably wasn't as bad as we think it was, mainly because it never is on Gossip Girl, and also because once Rufus sleeps with that co-op board lady in retaliation that will be the real problem. Also, is it just me or does co-op lady look a disturbing amount like Vanessa's mom?! I hope it comes out that Rufus is attracted to her because he and V's mother once had a fling and he's really V's father and that's why he was cool with her practically living with them all these years, and oops Dan, you're in love with your sister again!!

Lily and Rufus were so distracted by their marital issues they didn't realize their daughter was off committing the dual crimes of rocking some hideous coats and selling drugs. As soon as Eric wondered where Jenny had gotten all the money to pay for those new purses I knew her drug dealing had finally begun, and man, was I excited. The title of the first new episode when GG returns in March [damn Olympics and American Idol!], is "Jenny, Full of Grace" which only means this storyline is about to go front and center. I hope Little J tries drug smuggling and ends up in jail!! That would be really spectacular, seeing as if she was locked up we wouldn't have to deal with her annoying self as much.

Speaking of annoying, the whole Serena Forays Into Politics As A Mistress storyline seems like its on its way towards being wrapped up. The storyline didn't annoy me as much as Serena did, because every time I thought she couldn't get stupider, she did. When she was being a whiny little bitch because she didn't have coffee or cable at a country cottage I wanted to literally shake some sense into her and then yell at her to put on a damn shirt because its December. For what it's worth Serena, my family's cottage doesn't even have really great phone reception and sometimes my mom and I go to the local Wal-Mart for entertainment because all we have at the cottage are VHS copies of Air Force One and Dirty Dancing, Trivial Pursuit and the beach, but that doesn't help come February. So quit your bitching and read a book! Or smoke one too, I guess that's cool.

Tripp choosing his career over Serena was inevitable, but running into a pack of wolves was not. I mean, seriously, wolves?! They have those in Nassau County?! I would say it seems a mite too soon to be copping the whole Chappaquidick situation, but then that shit actually happened forever ago, so have at it writers. And it was the exact same situation: Congressman runs off bridge, injures girl, leaves girl and calls someone other than 911 first. Ooops! But if history has taught us anything its that stuff like this won't stay secret for long, especially since Tripp and Maureen's "cover up" was shoddy at best, because come on, Nate figured it out. Nate has been really freaking me out lately - he was actually funny in that scene in the coffee shop with Dan using lifelike expressions and everything, and then he went and clocked Tripp in the face! Emotions!? You don't say! But either way, it's clear the jig will soon be up for Tripp and Maureen and he can say bye-bye to being on a committee with Barney Frank.

So I have to give Gossip Girl credit where credit it due: it takes balls to play the "car accident card" twice. You play the car accident card when you need a major plot point, but don't have time to develop one, since an accident will throw everything into a tizzy and it can come out of nowhere. Car accidents are usually reserved for season 6 when you are running out of ideas and need to shake things up, or for every other episode of Grey's Anatomy. But because they're such a cheap trick, you can really only respectably pull it once. But oh no, not with Gossip Girl. This show had the guts to use it as a plot device not once, but twice, and in back to back seasons. And not only that, the second accident was on the anniversary of the first! When you do something that unbelievable and insane it's just awesome, so you go GG. Well played, well played.

As if the car crash wasn't enough ridiculata for one episode, we also got Bart Bass' ghost! [A scientific equation: Car Crash + Ghosts + Chuck Bass = AWESOME] Ghosts never come across right on TV, but since no one had sex with Bart a la Izzie and Denny on Grey's, I'll deal. The scene where Chuck relived his father's death when he went to the hospital to visit Serena was actually moving, and a tear almost [almost] formed in my jaded eye. I like that Chuck and Blair bonding showed that he has grown a soul, but at the same time, I kind of miss me some devious Chuck. Strangely, out of all these kids, Chuck might have become the most mature - and I think its because he grew up fast after Bart's death, so it was a nice contrast to see his moment in the hospital realizing this juxtaposed against Serena's stupidity in landing her there in the first place. Hopefully this means that Serena will give up her immature ways and stripper ensembles soon as well, but only time will tell. And like devious Chuck, I might miss a hot mess Serena to make fun of.

Oh and Chuck might still have mother! Who kind of looks like Dorota! I CAN'T WAIT FOR MARCH!!!11

Gossip Girl: Bad Romance.

Heaven help me, but I like that damn Lady Gaga song [Though I don't quite understand why she's wearing a latex Max from Where The Wild Things Are outfit in the video. Maybe its because her new EP is called The Fame Monster, so now she's all about running with the wild things? Whatev, I don't want to think about it that hard]. Of course now this blog will pop up on Perez Hilton's Google Alerts since I managed to say something positive about Lady Gaga and he will read it and get all misty eyed and preachy about her "art" and continue to live vicariously through her since she has the discernible talent to become more famous than he ever will. Even if that talent is doing the Twist in a latex Where The Wild Things Are Halloween costume. For real. Watch the video.

Anyway, it was appropriate that Lady Gaga -somewhat inexplicably - showed up to lip-synch her newest single as "Bad Romance" really was the theme of this episode. Dan and Vanessa? Say it isn't so!! A Tripp/Serena/Nate triangle? Suck on that Parents Television Council - that threeway would involve cousins!! Jenny and a Belgian drug dealer? Hahahahahaha I'm laughing at her melodramatic downward spiral already.

This episode opened with a James Frey quotation in the voice over [?!?!!], which makes me believe more and more that all I need to do to get famous is to write some crackpot book full of lies to get on Oprah and even more importantly, on Gossip Girl. Sigh. But the point of this strangeness was to illustrate that the truth, especially as we remember it, is actually all relative - wait? is that a theme verging on Mad Men territory!? - and that all threesomes don't take place in porn slow motion with wind machines for the girls' hair, even though Dan Humphrey's hormonal brain would like to believe as much. His Big Man On Campus attitude following his dual lady conquest was quickly stifled by Nate, who rather hilariously and therefore uncharacteristically, chided Dan that the third person is always supposed to be a stranger [Chuck Bass is his best friend, he knows things]. Good advice Nate!

Too bad Dan got that advice too late, as things between him, Vanessa and Olivia was awwwwwwkward. Dan remembered their threesome as his crowning glory, Olivia remembered it as a Dan/Vanessa twosome she happened to witness and Vanessa remembered it as....? Did they ever show a Vanessa flashback? [They might have and I missed it, as I tend to block anything pertaining to V out] But the incident that Dan thought upped his stud quotient actually left him sad and alone - Olivia didn't want to be his girlfriend anymore, and Vanessa didn't really want to be friends. Olivia thought the deep-seated feelings between Dan and Vanessa finally came out and alas, we all knew this would eventually happen. So let's just get this thing over with as soon as possible, so everything can end up like it does in the books with Dan being gay and Vanessa being bald. Dan tried to repair his friendship with V by suggesting they attend a Morrissey concert together, with apparently is something they started doing together when they were 7. At first I thought what kind of 7 year old goes to a Morrissey concert, but then I realized that yeah, if there was any 7 year old who sat in his room and wept to William It Was Really Nothing it was probably Dan Humphrey.

But Olivia put the lid on those sweet vegetarian emo dreams for D and V, and enlisted Dan to write the script for a cabaret performance she was attending. Dan of course had to agree because he was thinking of applying for the play writing program at Tisch and writing this play for other theater kids would give him a leg up. Or something. Blair was also involved, as she is desperate to be accepted by anyone and the theater kids were the next group she tried to infiltrate. GG has done this Shakespearean show within a show conceit before and Blair always shines, so girl needs to get herself into Tisch. If Lady Gaga can do it, I think Blair Waldorf could too! So Dan wrote a Snow White musical using the songs of Lady Gaga to illustrate our culture's obsession with fame. Or something. Its seems pretty ludicrous that Dan could successfully find a way to utilize Love Game and the phrase "disco stick" considering a few weeks ago he was all like "I have no idea who that Olivia chick is! Even though she's in the biggest movie franchise ever!" But I'll let it slide because it gave Blair the chance to act like the Evil Queen she is without pretense and Dan the context to kiss Vanessa on a Betty Draper-esque fainting couch.

But it was all for naught, as Olivia left to go work on some terrible sounding movie, graciously stepping aside so Dan could get it on with her former roommate. Though she left with the menacing promise to "be back next fall," so see you soon Hilary Duff! Nevertheless, Vanessa claimed she didn't have feelings anymore for Dan [FALSE.] and left to be with some theater dude who was obviously gay. So yeah, if this show follows the books' trajectory I guess that's the same thing as being with Dan anyway.

While one threesome was falling apart, another one was shaping up across town - Serena! Nate! Tripp! It was pretty great when Nate called Serena out on her slutty ways, bringing up the fact that she's running after a married Congressman when she was just all up in Carter Bazen's business a hot second ago. The fact that Serena shows up to work for a Congressman in an outfit that has both shoulder pads and a hemline only 1 inch south of her crotch is ridiculous, so someone had to try and set her straight. Nate and Serena have been on the outs lately, so he was surprised that she showed up asking for advice, but I mean hello, what other one of her friends has already had an affair with a married person?!

Nate's adorable little tactics to keep Serena away from Tripp until he left for DC - ice cream in Central Park and a drunken bender - of course backfired in the end. Several shots in Nate revealed he still had feelings for Serena, which I believe because he doesn't have enough thoughts in that pretty head of his to drive them away, and they almost made out. Until -gasp! - Tripp walked in! Nate's mother had revealed it was actually his own wife who almost ruined his campaign and, wtf how does Nate's mother of all people know this?! I hope in upcoming episodes that little piece of info is revealed to us, because it really, really doesn't make sense. Kind of like how Nate is now suddenly living in Chuck's hotel. He goes to school right? Or was that all some sort of ruse?!

But let's get back to this love game [Lady Gaga hahahaha]. As soon as Tripp revealed his marriage was on the rocks Serena was more than ready to hit that. Which, sigh. Get it together girl! Sleeping around your little Upper East Side circle is one thing, sleeping with a married Congressman is another. I am at least comforted by the fact that the political scandal which is about to break will probably be awesome with Serena all over the news and tabloids. Maybe her dad will finally appear then! Whatever, so long as she gets rid of that weird Princess Leia braid she's been sporting lately.

And lastly, let us discuss Little J and what appears to be her upcoming transformation into a druggie at the hands of some dashing European dude! I am split on this development: we already had the whole "Wild Jenny" story arc before but it was really her just acting immature about wanting to drop out of Constance, while if she actually does develop a drug habit it could be serious business. I would say good thing she has a former rock star dad to help her through this, but he didn't know what gonorrhea of the throat was, so maybe he won't be so helpful after all.

I kind of love when Chuck Bass tries to actually be a good brother, like when he attempted to rescue Jenny from the clutches of European Dude and his blue pills. I mostly loved his appearance though for his brilliant quip: "Dude, I’m Chuck Bass. Even Europeans must know what that means." [Heart.] But no matter what Chuck says, Jenny is clearly enamored with The European and his whole bad boy image. She's obviously just a lonely teenager who has alienated her only real friends, Eric and Jonathan, and thinks that dressing like Courtney Love and dumping yogurt over people will earn her acceptance. Obviously, its going to be hard for her to resist the thrills of The European and his sneaky toy boat maneuvers. Look out Little J!

I'm going to allow the development of this Jenny storyline for one reason, and one reason only. I'm banking on the fact that it's going to yield a hilarious and classic scene like this:



Actually, I think Jessie Spano pretty accurately sums up how I feel about this whole new Jenny scenario: "I'm soo excited....I'm sooo excited...I'm sooo...scared!!!"

Gossip Girl: Party In The USA.

Like, OMG you guys! It's election night! I haven't been this excited since, you know, election night last year when a tear might have formed in my eye when my boy Barack won! But who cares about that history making nonsense when Tripp Vanderbilt is running for Congress, Nate has actual lines to say, Blair got a face full of cake, and drunken celebrities and call girls were running about! USA! USA! USA! USA!

In a completely stunning turn of events, this episode focused on Nate and featured Vanessa heavily...and it wasn't annoying! Gossip Girl really has never had an episode like this - one could even say it was "Micheal Mann political thriller-esque" - but it worked surprisingly well. This episode drove home the point that our little GG-ers are growing up and moving out in the real world, where stuff has actual consequences besides who gets yogurt dumped on them while they sit on the MET steps. [My favorite Micheal Mann movie though is The Last of the Mohicans, so until Daniel Day Lewis is running about the Upper East Side, I don't really care if Plastered Patrick gets cast in his movie]

Of course the kind of consequences these characters deal with are pretty ludicrous - most 18 year olds don't have to worry about the success of their new hotel, political careers, telling embarrassing stories about their boyfriends on national television, or keeping their jobs at a high powered PR firm. But this is Gossip Girl, so its not like I show up expecting real life or anythang.

All that stuff is pretty ridiculous, so it was kind of refreshing to see Serena push Blair into a cake, because immature 18 year olds do shit like that. [At least it wasn't a slushie!] Also, it was just kind of funny to see Blair with red, white and blue frosting on her face. Anywayz, Serena and Blair each told the other one they were immature, and they were both right - each lady still has a lot of growing up to do. Blair thinks she's moving on up because she's in college and she's going steady, but everyone knows she secretly wishes she was still in high school where she had minions at her beck and call. Blair is basically a terrible friend as evidenced by the fact that she can't make any at NYU, and sooner or later she's going to have to learn to be selfless once in awhile. But then again, she managed to snag Chuck Bass so what do I know. Serena on the other hand, thinks she's big and bad because of her real life job - until Blair reminded her that she's essentially a working girl of another kind, seeing as she's getting paid to give Patrick "the girlfriend experience." She also dresses regularly like a prostitute, and she doesn't even get paid for that! Good thing an actual call girl - named Brandeis?! - was at the party so Serena didn't have to feel too bad about herself!

Who did need to feel bad about themselves this week was Dan, who got a lame nickname from Jimmy Fallon of all people which makes it even lamer, and who forgot his one month anniversary with Olivia. Jimmy Fallon has been all about the TV guest appearance lately, as he also appeared on 30 Rock last week. It should be noted however that he only tweeted about being on 30 Rock, so clearly he was prouder of running at Tracy Morgan/Jordan with an axe than he was about coming up with the nickname "Bathroom Boy." As he should be really, because this whole storyline was undercooked and kind of pointless. I thought Olivia had revealed something deep and dark about Dan, but it turned out to be something stupid. And didn't we see their first date? And wasn't it nothing like Dan described? This Dan and Olivia relationship has about as much continuity as Serena's personality [so in other words, none].

But the real star of the show was Nate, who spoke more lines this episode than the entire two previous seasons combined. But come on, it was obvious that Nate didn't stage that fake drowning to up Tripp's poll numbers because that would have required brain cells that kid clearly does not possess. Just setting up Vanessa with the fake NY1 lady probably took up his "thinking quota" for like, the year. But I think Tripp will bring a lot to the show actually - even though the fact that he is a Congressman at 26 is insane - especially if the whole Serena dynamic gets played up. Nothing spells scandal like having an affair with an under 21 socialite! Also, was it just me or did it seem like Tripp's crafty wife was kind of macking on Grandfather? Double scandal!

Speaking of scandal, Chuck Bass put the Vanderbilt campaign headquarters in a suite that had a picture of woman's crotch in panties hanging on the wall. This is why I love the man.

So next week is the much hyped - and apparently indecent! - threesome episode. Whatever, Parents Television Council you should know by know that Gossip Girl scandal is scandal-lite. Also, that teenagers don't actually watch Gossip Girl as much as gay men and 20 something girls do [I mean I think at least. I don't know any teenagers, except for the ones I watch on Gossip Girl. And my brother, but he doesn't really count.] But I can tell already it probably won't live up to the OMGolly! hype because the promo doesn't feature Britney's 3. I mean, really?!

There is a hit song about threesomes and you don't use it to promote your episode about a threesome?!

Gossip Girl: Wedding Bell Blues.

So do you think in 1986 when Star Power was released Kim Gordon thought "Hey 23 years from now I'll be singing this song on a campy TV show beloved openly by teenage girls and gay men, and secretly by 20-something girls who should have something better to watch?" Probably not, but then in 1986 I didn't think I would be blogging about said campy TV show, because well, I was a year old. I had other priorities.
But investing Kim Gordon with some internet-given power to perform marriages a la Joey from Friends and then having her marry Rufus and Lily was basically pure genius. So did the "Sonic Youths" as Dorota so charmingly put it, lose some indie street cred by appearing on Gossip Girl? Maybe, but the whole "I ironically love Sonic Youth ironically appearing on Gossip Girl, which I ironically love anyway" apparatus is tricky, so in the end they probably come out even.
But do you know who I love un-ironically and unequivocally? Georgina. Girl is INSANE, and I say that with all the love in my heart. She sent Dan a fucking e-card, like it was 1998. And then proceeded to blackmail Vanessa into convincing Dan to dump Olivia because she was "dating Orlando Bloom." False obviously, but apparently Georgina has some experience in getting people to dump celebrities, which come on, is awesome.
Meanwhile, while Georgina was being awesome, Carter and Bree were being ZZzzzzZZZzzzz, over some "family honor" bullshit. I'm just going to talk about them now and get it over with, because those two are boring as hell and I'm super glad Nate finally broke up with Bree even though I have the sneaking suspicion we're not done with her just yet. Carter's "big secret" was that he had hooked up with one of Bree's cousins in the hope that saying he would marry her would get him some ca$h from the Buckleys to pay off his gambling debts, but then he jilted her at the altar. Not as juicy as I had hoped, but whatevs, there's already one love child running around this joint. Bree then brought some of her beefy Buckley cousins with her to enact some Texas-style vengeance, with a bit of encouragement from Chuck who has always had it out for Carter. The episode left it up in the air as to what would happen to Carter, but my guess is that he's laying on the side of the East River with a broken jaw, a bloody nose, and some serious bruising. [But Chuck also left him a plane ticket, so maybe he managed to escape.]
But the whole Carter/Bree smackdown wasn't nearly the most exciting thing going on, because Rufus and Lily were getting married! After a ridiculously manufactured fight! And Georgina was going to crash it! And Blair and her minions planned the entire thing in a day! [I buy that more than the whole Carter debacle actually.] And Serena wore something almost appropriate! And Jenny sewed a wedding dress in one night! And the Lincoln Hawk Love Baby finally came clean! And I think Blair has a crush on Dan! Let's discuss, shall we?
Lily was all huffy that her former rock star fiance allowed her daughter to forgo Brown while she was off having a baby and getting a nasty divorce IRL, and taking care of her mother in the reality of the fictional universe. So when Rufus showed up at the Brooklyn loft which still inexplicably exists to escape the wrath of Lily, Dan and the rest the Van der Humphreys decided to pull a Parent Trap to get their respective parents back on speaking terms. This move obviously failed, because NO ONE SANG LET'S GET TOGETHER! An amateur mistake really, so here's a primer kids for when Rufus and Lily inevitably get divorced:



But not all of us can be Hayley Mills -or gah! Lindsey Lohan - so Rufus and Lily had to patch it up all by themselves, with no help from their spawn. Their first attempt at a wedding ceremony was ruined by both Lily's cold feet and the appearance of Georgina, who revealed the news that Scott was the LHLB as casually as if she was reading the weather report. And everyone believed the crazy girl with no hesitation, which is ludicrous, but par for the course on this ludicrous show. Scott went from being Vanessa's bf who also happened to be a Lincoln Hawk fan, to brother of dead love child, to oh wait! the love child himself - and of course, no one thought this was strange. What was strange was that Lily consented to running around Chinatown in her wedding dress looking for Scott even though a few scenes earlier she had chastised Rufus for not remembering she was Lily Bass and that there were "expectations" that would go along with another one of her weddings.
But Rufus and Lily caught up with Scott just as he was about to get on the Chinatown Bus back to Boston, and embraced him as a member of their family, which already includes such a motley crew of children one more random can't possibly hurt. The Van der Humphrey-Bass-"Addlers" now includes Rufus' two children Dan and Jenny, Lily's two children Serena and Eric, the adopted Chuck, and the biological son Scott. And essentially Vanessa too, because the way she acts you would think she was a clingy desperate orphan. And just to review, Serena and Dan slept together, Chuck almost raped Jenny but now they're cool and she went with him on a "date" to make Blair jealous, Vanessa slept with Chuck twice, Vanessa dated Scott, oh and Chuck tried to get Serena to get it on with him in a kitchen one time.
Yet as fucked up as this family is, it appears they all care for each other in their own fucked up ways, whether its Chuck pushing Carter out of town because he worries about him dating Serena or Lily actually agreeing to get married in a dress Jenny sewed in one night, and well, its actually kind of sweet. Three-quarters of the characters on this show are now related, and the other quarter are either friends and/or significant others of the core family, a fact which I hope gets played up the rest of the season. But these new bonds made Rufus and Lily's ultimately simple wedding ceremony in the old Brooklyn loft all the more poignant, and I hope their next step is to adopt Nate because that last shot of him looking all lonely and scorned was just sad.
And then Sonic Youth played, because apparently Lincoln Hawk had once opened for them and it was a memorable night for Rufus and Lily, but that's just ridiculous because its like saying "Hey remember that awesome night we had after we watched the Gin Blossoms open for Sonic Youth?!" Sigh. But whatever, it'll be fun watching Rufus and Lily get a divorce.

P.S. Am I the only one who noticed that Blair was hovering around Dan a disturbing amount this episode? I'm totally going to call that the rumored GG threesome is going to be Chuck-Blair-Dan right now, because ever since Dan murdered her headband I am like 70% sure Blair has had a thing for him and his plaid shirts.

Gossip Girl: She Works Hard For The Money.

Last time I went to visit home I ended up watching an episode of America's Next Top Model with my mom [my parents don't have cable, so our choices were limited], and to my surprise my mom was pretty well versed in the Tyra insanity. "I love this show," she said, "All the girls are so stupid. Don't they realize it's just Tyra insulting them for an hour? You look so...interesting! Your forehead is so big! Your eyes are too far apart but that will photograph well! Don't they understand they are letting themselves get insulted by Tyra Banks!?"
That's sort of what this episode of Gossip Girl was like, an hour long commercial for ANTM during which we were all too stupid to realize we were getting our intelligence insulted by Tyra Banks. But we played along because dealing with Tyra meant we also got to see Serena become a working girl in dresses 40 inches too short [yeah not that kind of working girl, but from those dresses you'd be surprised], Dan start to date a "movie star," Blair devolve into a high schooler, and most elusively, a Jenny storyline! It's kind of like when Tyra tells you your eyes point in different directions but its totally cool because you've won the photo shoot challenge anyway and your picture is going to hang in that crazy model house for a week. Yay! I'm smiling with my eyes!
Speaking of modeling photo shoot challenges, Rufus could have won one this week with his impressions of Lily. Those were some crazy poses sir, and also crazily accurate. The scene with Rufus and Serena was kind of sweet; Serena has been gallivanting around the world trying to find her father, so its a shame she doesn't yet realize she has a good one right in front of her in Rufus. Of course, Rufus was counseling her into making terrible life decisions but when you leave a washed up rock star who loves to make waffles with an 18 year old blond, what do you expect? [Side note bracket: This weekend I arrived at a party just in time to hear my friend drunkenly rattling off about how she had recently encountered Blake Lively in the flesh: "She just looks really normal ya'know? Like, she has meat on her bones! I didn't want to feed her a cheeseburger or anything! I kind of don't hate her!" Now said friend was in the process of being ushered out the door by her more sober boyfriend so I have no idea if she saw Blake in New York, or if GG was actually filming here at Brown because who knows maybe Serena magically decides to come see what she's missing. But I haven't seen Emma Watson yet either, so I hope GG wasn't filming up in my hood and I missed it, because between those two my inner paparazzi is seriously sad.]
But Lily came home only to hear that her eldest daughter had deferred Brown for a year, and was appropriately incredulous at Serena's declaration that she would be finding a job and doing something productive with that time. It was a sentiment to which Lily rightly said,"I love you Serena, but you've never worked a day in your life." Bazinga! So armed with a recommendation from Anna Wintour [uhhh....what!?] Serena set out to find a job as one of those socialite girls who happens to land the plumb fashionz job simply because everyone wants her to be seen wearing their dress. But the economy is tight for everyone, so poor little S didn't get hired anywhere. Ouch!
This leads me to my most awesome idea ever: why isn't Serena on the The City?! So much room for meta cross-over potential! And don't even tell me The City is "real" and Serena is not, because The City is not real. Note this clip as socialite Olivia Palermo tries to get a job at Elle, using no more credentials than basically the fact that she's famous:



Now note these scenes as Serena tries to pull basically the same maneuver:



Come on MTV & CW! Make it happen! Everyone wins: Serena gets a "job" and people maybe start to care about The City because let's be real, its just the sucky cousin of The Hills. At the very least, let's have a Kelly Cutrone guest appearance!
But I guess my City dream has to die because Serena landed a "job" with a PR firm - by pure luck of course - whose main clients happen to be Ursula/Tyra and Olivia, Dan's new crush, Vanessa's new roommate and star of a vampire movie series that somehow managed to sound more shitty than Twilight. Serena ran into Olivia and her PR girl KC at lunch, because its not like 8 million fucking people live in New York or anything, you can obviously meet the entire cast of Gossip Girl within about 2 hours.
Both Ursula/Tyra and Olivia had a movie opening the next day, a movie inexplicably about the French Resistance - so is the French Resistance the new "thing?" Because my friends and I made a point to go to the French Resistance exhibit at the New York Public Library this summer, and I hope that means we're cool, but it probably just means we're over educated grad students who got needlessly excited about seeing an original photo of Althusser. Anyway, someone had inexplicably cast Tyra Banks [because honestly, "Ursula" was basically Tyra Banks] as Josephine Baker, and Tyra was all excited about her "acting" in the movie, but her big scene got cut, and Serena was hired to control her diva ass.
Meanwhile, Dan, who never sees movies, watches TV, reads the newspapers or goes online, had no idea who Olivia was when he met her at the coffee cart. Olivia saved him the embarrassment of having to dig for change to pay for his coffee and just did it herself, because she's basically like Emma Watson who has more money than God but is going to college anyway. Admirable! Of course there were mix ups and confusions and blah blah Dan was roped into going to the movie premiere by Vanessa, yada yada yada, not important, and by the end the jig was up. But because Dan is totally in awe of how "normal" Olivia is the two crazy kids are going to try and make it work, but we've already established last week that Dan is totally into the crazy psycho bitches so dating a movie star who pretends to be normal folk is right up his alley.
In addition to all this movie star nonsense there was some shenanigans back at Constance Billard, like people actually still care about that place, concerning Jenny and her hesitation to become the new Queen. Other than the fact that Jenny wore a leather vest to private school, who cares when you have Tyra Banks throwing dresses and crying in the bathroom? Blair went back to Constance to try and straighten the hierarchy back out, because no one gives a hoot about headbands in college and her life was empty. Sad really, that Blair Waldorf was throwing sleepovers for high schoolers because she didn't feel accepted anywhere else, but in the end Dorota and Chuck straightened her out and she found some NYU minions to rule over. The best part of this disposable storyline was that Blair spoke Polish to Dorota, and that no one cared Chuck using Jenny as his date was creepy because you know, they're kind of brother and sister.
Also, in a very disconcerting moment, Nate Archibald actually made a lifelike and somewhat hilarious facial expression of disbelief after seeing clueless Dan with Olivia. Emmys, meet Chace Crawford.

Gossip Girl: Crazy On You.

I love Georgina Sparks so much. She makes my insides go all gooey happy like a fluffernutter sandwich. Why do I love her so much? Oh, because she is insane. And a stalker. And man, I love me a good TV stalker.
I also love me some shirtless Dan Humphrey, so thanks for causing that as well Georgina.

Our episode began as it usually does, with Serena wearing some zippered mess of an outfit, Blair being a pushy bitch, Vanessa lurking where she shouldn't be and Dan making out with someone inappropriate. This time the someone inappropriate was at least Georgina and not his kinda sister, and when all three ladies caught Dan in his moment of shame it resulted in some legitimate hilariousness, so kudos on that writers. It was kind of V and S to remind Dan that he was you know, getting it on with a psycho. But in Dan's defense he had previously hooked up with "Sarah" from "Portland," so maybe he's into crazy psycho bitches. Some guys are, I mean how else would explain the fact that Jay-Z agreed to marry Beyonce?

Anyway, while Dan was into Georgina basically only because he's a horny college freshman and she was a willing participant, G was already making photos of the two of them the wallpaper on her laptop. Adorable!

Speaking of adorable, isn't it cute when your bf lies about the fact that he doesn't even go to your school?! Scott "Addler" of course was playing everyone, but because Vanessa is a doormat it took her forever to find out. Georgina discovered his true identity online in a hot fucking second, because well, she's Georgina. And if anyone knows how to run the I'm Not Who I Say I Am Game it's Georgina, and unlike amateur Scott girlfriend knows how to run it right. Georgina distracted Dan from her every breath you take every move you make ways by convincing him that Scott was the real stalker, tracking Dan down after he wrote him a fan letter for his piece that was published in the New Yorker, and in the process managed to score herself an invite to the charity auction that everyone and their brother was for some inexplicable reason going to [Also, bitch please. Sometimes I want to write Slavoj Zizek a fan letter, but I don't track him down].

Georgina and Scott weren't the only ones scheming this episode - Blair and Chuck also tried to sabotage Carter Bazen because I think he did something bad to Chuck last season I can't remember but don't want to put the effort into thinking about, and because somewhere along the line he macked on Blair and I am 100% sure that ended badly [right?]. But Blair actually was genuinely concerned that Serena was dating a skeez - because its not like her boyfriend Chuck isn't one himself or anything - and she wanted to suddenly become an actual good friend and look out for S. But because she's Blair, she can't be concerned like a normal person and instead she had to cook up some elaborate nonsense that involved bottles of champagne and a fake girl that Carter never actually slept with. But the jig was up in the end, and Carter was cleared of all charges - except for the fact that something actually did go down with Bree's family which I am sure we will hear about in the coming weeks, whether we care or not. [I don't care.]

But Blair and Chuck were so wrapped up in their own schemes they didn't realize they were being played themselves, by the puppet master Georgina. Georgina screwed with Chuck and Blair essentially because she could, which skyrockets her awesomeness. She convinced Blair she would become a part of some secret society if she just bought some old skool photograph at Sotheby's, and had a minion likewise convince Chuck he needed to score the same photo to impress a business partner. Let the hilarious auction scene ensue! I don't know what was more humorous, Chuck and Blair duking it out over some ridiculous photo or the fact that Sotheby's let Serena inside dressed like a stripper and Georgina in dressed in an Amy Winehouse Halloween costume circa 2006. Note to self: next time you're in New York go to Sotheby's because they let anyone in.

There was of course absolutely no real reason every single character on the show should be at a charity auction, but hey whatevs, it was totally cool because it gave Scott the chance to fess up about his secret. False! He told everyone his "Addler" identity was a lie by coming clean with another lie! I underestimated you son, maybe you and Georgina are soul mates after all. You two crazy kids can go be fluffernutters together and it will be happily ever after. After all, Georgina was scorned by Dan and now she knows the Humphrey/Van der Woodsen/"Addler" family secret, so she's going to make all their lives a living hell. You might as well get on her good side and go in on the schemes together Scott, because if you're going to continue this shady lying you could probably learn a thing or two from G.

Also, surprise! Eric actually talked this episode! And his observation that David Bowie is a dead ringer for Shakira is totally true! Check it out:

























Hey Eric, you should talk more often!

Gossip Girl: I Know What You Did Last Summer.

Two weeks ago I moved my younger brother into the same dorms I lived in during my undergrad years, which was a terrifying experience. So it was a similar feeling as I tuned into the season premiere, watching my beloved GG'ers all grown up and preparing to make their way in a world with no plaid skirts or required blazers. Ah those last hazy, crazy days of summer before college when the world seems full of possibilities, when - to quote a great philosopher - you're not a girl, not yet a woman.
So how did our fictional friends spend their last days of freedom before they are saddled with term papers, caffeine overloads and Bluebook exams? Did they prepare themselves well for the next four years? Will they succeed? Or fail? Or steal a horse from a polo match and ride off into the sunset? Will they be able to survive dorm life after years of living on the Upper East Side? [Based on the fact that it's not October yet and my brother is already asking my mom to buy him another case of Ramen noodles, I can answer with a resounding "no." And ah, the memories.]
But lucky for you friend, you don't have to answer any of these questions, because I have made a chart! It should also be noted, I was never this organized in college.



Dan
















What Did You Do Last Summer?: Is now a RICH kid living in Manhattan/Brooklyn who rocks designer wallets, but is ashamed of his wealth. He has yet to learn however that wearing tight pants does not hide your shame, but only makes it worse.
College Career Highlight: Will be featured on lookatthisfuckinghipster.com in a hot second.
Would We Be Friends In The Dorms?: Would totally crush on Dan, seeing as he has spent the summer growing out his hair. Guys with shaggy hair were my thang when I was 19. Bonus: is also "intellectual."

Serena




















What Did You Do Last Summer?: Read a lot of romance novels while in Europe as she is now running away from polo matches on horses with her dress and hair blowing behind her in the wind. To be fair, I did sit next to someone who I swear was Fabio on a flight between London and Madrid, so maybe she met that dude.
College Career Highlight: Will land at Brown in a helicopter like Emma Watson [allegedly!] did.
Would We Be Friends In The Dorms?: Serena's paparazzi army would run wild on my beloved campus, so no. It's because of kids like you Serena that Brown was named the "Douchiest College In America" by GQ, so thanks.


Chuck





















What Did You Do Last Summer?: Blair.
College Career Highlight: College is for pussies who don't already own multimillion dollar companies, or have girlfriends who encourage them to hit on hot blonds.
Would We Be Friends In the Dorms?: No, he'd be the skeez I'd tell my roommate to stop dating not only because he was a player but also because he was stealing our orange juice.


Blair





















What Did You Do Last Summer?: Chuck. Also some hat shopping.
College Career Highlight: Graduating Summa Cum Laude. Cap and gown are already purchased for role play with Chuck, btw.
Would We Be Friends In The Dorms?: Yes, because I was totally an overachiever when I first got to college too. Then I started drinking.


Nate






















What Did You Do Last Summer?: Finally got rid of Zacquisha-esque hair. Also wandered about Europe desperately seeking a storyline.
College Career Highlight: Will continue to indulge cougar fantasies - starting with Masters student, will work up to PhD student, cap off career with professor. Does Columbia have a female president? Because he'll screw her too.
Would We Be Friends In The Dorms?: Pretty, but boring. Would admire from afar.


Vanessa
















What Did You Do Last Summer?: Traveled around Europe with ex-boyfriend. Also put weird, inexplicable dread like extensions in hair.
College Career Highlight: Wining student film-making competition. Also possibly finding boyfriend that isn't boring as shit.
Would We Be Friends In The Dorms?: Yes, because Vanessa and I both share unfortunate hair/jewelry/strange colored/patterned clothing situations.

Scott





















What Did You Do Last Summer?: Schemed to find birth parents, and succeeded. This is because unlike Serena, he did not act like a drunken slut.
College Career Highlight: Interrupting Blair's commencement address, Kanye-style, to announce that he is really the long lost and thought dead Lincoln Hawk Love Baby. Come to think of it, that's more of a Tom Sawyer move, but that reference isn't nearly as topical.
Would We Be Friends In The Dorms: Yes. Like, OMG, you love Lincoln Hawk too?!!?!
















Jenny
Irrelevant.

Eric
See above.