The Hills: The Shadiest Wedding in the History of the World.

So.

If a guy who was sporting a crazy beard that made him look like he just rolled out of the woods smuggled me off to Mexico where he got me wasted on tequila only to tell me that he had brought me to a foreign country with the sole intention of marrying me - secretly! - away from all my family and friends because they would just interfere with the creepy It's only the two of us forever and ever and ever and ever and Oh? you know that stalker song by the Police? Yeah that will be our wedding song vibe, I would you know, think it was weird.

Oh, but not Heidi Montag! No! To her, its romantic! Really, if I get married I would want the guy to tell me he was madly in love with me, not as Spencer so eloquently put it, "madly obsessed" with me. To um, each her own? I guess?

I know Us Weekly [Who of course just "happened" to be in Mexico at the exact same time and the exact same place of the "secret" wedding Spencer "secretly" planned before he even left LA] published Spencer and Heidi's wedding vows, but I don't buy it. I think this is how Spencer's vows really went:

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I'll be watching you

Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
Hills cameras will be watching you


And I'm sure Heidi's vows went something like:

Yes, dear leader. I love you dear leader. Let's get married dear leader. Why yes I will serve you champagne while wearing a slutty bikini and high heels and a crucifix necklace dear leader. Would you like a vat of my special recipe grape Kool-Aid to wash that champagne down dear leader?

Or, something akin to that.


Aside from the creepiest wedding to happen outside a cult compound, Whitney left LA. Oh tear sob. Lauren can't handle herself now that Whitney isn't there to listen to her non-existant man problems - I mean seriously, like LC needed anyone's advice on that painfully obvious Doug [non]situation. Lo must be rejoicing because now she gets Lauren and Whitney's former screen time all to herself [for ever and ever and ever and ever....].

And poor Whitney, she doesn't know how to go grocery shopping in the city! [Because LA is you know, not a real city - just some imaginary happy place where its always sunset and the palm trees are always green and its always a comfortable 76 degrees] Does she take a cab? Does she ride a bike? Why yes Whitney dear, I have done both of those! Well, not ride a bike because I don't know how, but my roommate has. Or you could do something really novel and walk back and forth from the grocery store! I know that sounds impossible what with the sheer physical strength it takes to carry grocery bags, but I did that exact thing yesterday and guess what? I lived to tell the tale. Amazing! Sure, I can't cook to save my life so like 75% of what I buy is Lean Cuisine, but hey, I am pretty sure all Whitney eats is alfalfa sprouts. So I think she can handle it.

By the way, there is no reason Audrina exists on this show anymore. Her character self could really be doing other things now. Like making B-horror movies that 4 people will watch with all the mad acting skillz she exhibits on the show.

Lauren also serves no purpose on this show anymore....and isn't it like her show or something?

Bring back Nana Pratt!!!! I bet there is some drama at the senior center!!!!


Oh, and I stole that picture from Perez. Whatevs.

The Hills: "Why you bangin' Justin Bobby?"

Yes Lauren, answer Brody's question.
Fine, by now I guess we've established that LC never banged the JB, thank god. [Also, JB is basically Serena Van Der Woodsen's bf Aaron Rose, but in real life. Yes?]

What else happened?
Audrina cried, LC looked vaguely concerned, Lo has no problems that aren't LC's, Brody was a shirtless jerk, Audrina's sister acted wise, Whitney also acted wise, Chiara acted wise too, Grandma Pratt was wise because she is old, no one who is a cast member - besides Whitney - acted wise at all, Stephanie apparently never sees her grandma, Heidi sucked up, and Spencer used the word "janky."

So basically business as usual.

It does stand to be mentioned I think that the scene with Grandma Pratt was ridamndiculous, and pretty sad that Spencer's only BFF is apparently his grandma. But hey, apparently she makes good lemonade, so whatever floats your boat Spencer.

LC and Audrina are friends [again], so this rumor was pointless. And next week Whitney leaves for NYC- nooooooooooooooo! She is the only cast member that is mildly sensible. Even if she dresses like she shops at a Salvation Army circa 1992.

What else is set to happen next week? Oh, I forget.

Also, I Googled Imaged "Nana Pratt" and I got pictures of a tornado in Pratt, Kansas. I feel this is telling.

The Hills: Team Justin Bobby ?!

The rumor went like this: LC got it on with Justin Bobby.
Oh, and Audrina had heard the rumor from some dude named "Dino."

There were like 2 episodes this season where I kind of liked Audrina, but then she went and believed a ridiculous rumor from a ridiculous dude named Dino. I have never met Dino, but since he prefers to be called "Dino" I am pretty sure its safe to assume he's ridiculous. Clearly all said Dino wants is his shout-out on the Hills, so he craftily made up this ridiculous shit hoping Audrina would be dumb enough to believe him. [There. Did I say "ridiculous" enough?]

And since LC had the gall to call [snap!] Justin Bobby - and I quote - "disgusting" on national television, I don't think she is too worried about hurting his feelings. So I am going to have to say this rumor is probably not the truest thing in the world.

Oh, and Audrina apparently left Justin Bobby a string of foul mouthed messages asking him what the deal was. Which is, I suppose, kind of awesome. But their face to face conversation about the rumor sure made Audrina seem like a spoiled 12 year old while Justin Bobby was surprisingly and uncharacteristically eloquent and mature [he used the word "fictitious" for goshsakes!!]. So when the most mature person in this whole situation is Justin Bobby, I think you might have a problem Audrina.

Also, LC and Audrina - when having a serious conversation is the best place to meet really a bangin' club?! And who exactly was that random woman seated between you who looked awwwwwwwwwwwwwkward during the whole thing?!

None of this matters really because next week we get to see Grandma Pratt!! excla!

Speaking of the Pratts, congratulations [!!!!11] to Heidi and Spencer on getting married last week. This marriage is clearly a sham, much like the entirety of this show, and since it happened sneakily in Mexico I am pretty sure it actually didn't happen at all.
Nevertheless, watching this 'After Show' is totally worth it just to see the part where the host casually mentions that the wedding happened on Thursday, not that day like Holly clearly thought it did. Her shocked "what!" is priceless. But her tears are kind of sad. Aw.

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