Gossip Girl: Sixteen Going On Seventeen

Ah, a party. Is there any pleasure on earth quite like waking up at noon on Sunday morning with a vague queasy feeling in your stomach and a slight pound in your head and brewing some coffee while you and your roommates survey the damage done the night before to your apartment by some friends and some I have never seen you before in my life not friends? Any satisfaction as good as knowing everyone had a hella good time as you mop the unidentifiable sticky nonsense from your kitchen floor right before you find a wine bottle on your bathroom counter, a bottle of Jack Daniels [which you did not drink!] on your dresser, a carpet of cigarette butts on your front porch and someone still passed out on your futon? Oh, and when you find those smashed and empty cans of the 'Ganssett on top of your fridge a week later, can you not help but smile?

Reader, these are the finer joys in life, but apparently they are not appreciated on the Upper East Side.

Martini glasses?! Bitch, please. At our last party someone drank wine out of our jello cups. And not jello shot glasses or something, if you would like to give them the benefit of the doubt. No, I'm talking J-E-L-L-O Bill Cosby jello cups.

Caterers?! The culinary pinnacle of the last party at my apartment was a bowl of Sun Chips, and a bowl of Cheetos. And someone threw the bowl of Sun Chips across our kitchen floor and it wasn't until 4 am and when everyone had left did I realize I had Sun Chip crumbs all the way up my boot. Nothing but class.

Missoni dresses?! I wore a dress I bought for $15 at Dress Barn to said party. What? Dress Barn had some surprisingly cute dresses - that were fifteen fucking dollars. Also, when your roommate's now ex-kinda-bf corners you at like 1:30 am and convinces you taking a shot of vodka with white wine as a chaser is a good idea, you won't mind that you miss your mouth
slightly and some of that wine ends up on your dress. Because it was fifteen fucking dollars.

In my world, police showing up to party means it was awesome - considering my roommates and I are dangerously close to this happening, as our neighbors called our landlord to complain about us twice. [Oops!]

But when you live in a DE-lux apartment in the sky, the sticky nonsense on your kitchen floor the next morning probably isn't as cute. Neither is finding your designer duds strewn about your living room [Dress Barn! I am telling you people!] or your expensive art all off kilter and on the floor [I have a poster hanging on my wall that I got for waiting in line at midnight to get the last Harry Potter book. If someone ripped that, I would be angry.] And yeah, I guess if I pulled the shit I pull now when I was in high school, my parents - like Rufus and Lily - would be less than pleased.

Ssssshhhhh....they still don't know about that time I went to a frat party and spilled Sunny D & vodka all over my white shirt and then tried to wash it in a gutter! Let's keep it that way!

And as Dan was so wise to remind Serena - who was getting all up tight about high schoolers acting like, well, high schoolers at her "sophisticated" party - everyone was still in high school, at least for a little while longer. It was nice for Dan to point this out, as you can see why Serena would be easily confused. No one on this show ever remotely acts like they are in high school, as the biggest shocker tonight was that Chuck Bass actually showed up at, gasp!, school!

In the immortal words of the MC5, "The kids want a little action /The kids want a little fun /The kids all have to get their kicks /Before the evening's done." And have their kicks did they ever in this episode - backstabbing text messaging bitchery! Make out revenge! Personalized hot pink napkins! Oh, the treachery! And, dear MC5, why do the kids want these kicks? "'Cause they're goin' to/ High School, rah, rah, rah/ High School, sis, boom, bah/ High School, hey, hey, hey/You better let them have their way."

A teen drama with actual high school antics?! Say it isn't so!

But after plot lines as ridiculous as that Eyes Wide Shut Secret Society it was nice to finally see GG be about what it actually is about - spoiled high schoolers. Because, surprisingly, that is actually why I watch this show every Monday night; because after my rent check is cashed this month I will literally have 62 cents in my bank account and no one - and I really do mean no one! - on the entire Eastern Seaboard wants to hire me, and for an hour its nice to forget that and live vicariously through someone who can have a Missoni dress for their sixteenth birthday party.

To let you know how dire my life has become, this evening my undergrad alma mater called asking me to donate $100. I refused, saying that I just got a Masters and am now looking for a job, and the caller was kind enough to give me the number for Career Services. How sweet of her! So Little J, when your soon to be stepsister offers to throw you one hell of a Sweet Sixteen Party, take it. Because soon enough you will be 23, with a useless Ivy League degree, $20,000 in debt, living on a diet of spaghetti and canned soup, buying dresses from Dress Barn and looking at those "etc" jobs on Craigslist with mild interest.

But hey, at least I can still throw one hell of a party.

And as a parting gift, because this song describes this episode more succintly than I ever could:

The Week's Playlist.

1. The Only Living Boy In New York - Simon & Garfunkel
2. Young Pilgrims - The Shins
3. Rhiannon - Fleetwood Mac
4. Boys of Summer - Don Henley
5. Panic [Hang The DJ] - The Smiths
6. Folsom Prison Blues - Johnny Cash
7. It's True That We Love One Another - The White Stripes
8. It Takes A Lot To Laugh, A Train to Cry - Bob Dylan
9. Mushaboom - Feist
10. Friday I'm In Love - The Cure

Gossip Girl: Na zdrowie!

It appears Dan Humphrey is the new Nate Archibald, because now that Nate has a storyline of questionable interest, Dan is relegated to looking pretty playing touch football. Seriously, last week Dan was banging his teacher in a closet and this week he was gallivanting around the Vanderbilt estate. Oh, Gossip Girl, land of no consequences.

But at least Nate, who basically ceased to exist as a character for the first part of this season has returned with a stake in the show's action. And what's his stake? A tour of what lies behind the Iron Curtain with his lady love! [Seeing as its not 1989 anymore, I know I should have written that sentence in the past tense, but oh well.]

But Vanessa gave several shout outs to Warsaw! And Dorota finally broke out her Polish! And there were pierogi! Oh, glorious pierogi!

Gossip Girl + shouts out to the land my ancestors = something I never thought would occur. [But no shout outs to the other half of my ancestors in Slovakia? For shame!] Nevertheless, I have a few qualms to pick with you my dear GG writers.

Jeden: Vanessa tells Dan that she and Nate will be traveling around Eastern Europe on a Eurail pass, but when I spent half the money in my bank account on one of those a few years ago, I was saddened to learn I could not travel to land of my ancestors on it. Maybe times have changed! Maybe there is a special Eastern Europe Eurail that includes Warsaw! Maybe someone should have gone to the Eurail website! Because oh yes, according to the website, Poland is not included, even in the Global Pass!

and

Dwa: Nate says to Vanessa "we are eating pierogis." This is incorrect! The "i" ending in Polish denotes the plural, there is no "s" like in English! For instance, even though everyone says this, on Paczki Day do not order a dozen paczkis. No! Redundant! That is already plural! Just order a dozen paczki! I would advise you to learn some of the language when you go abroad Nate, but seeing as I rolled into France with only the ability to say "un" and point at the croissant I wanted, I can't judge you. Also, I should just be happy that pierogi were mentioned at all on Gossip Girl and ignore any minor offenses. But come on, like two seconds earlier Zuzanna Szadkowski delivered a rant in Polish, couldn't she have proofread this script?:



And finally, seeing as I should probably end this GG recap since it has spiraled wildly out of control into a rant about pierogi and paczki, here is a picture of Nate:




















And here is what I envision Nate wearing when he ventures into The Land Of My Ancestors:

















Only someone who was a member of a Polish dance group for 19 years would imagine Nate Archibald dressed as a Lajkonik. Which means this post really, truly, needs to end.

Do widzenia!

Yay/Nay.

Yay:

David Cook's Grammatical Prowess.

Reading Perez today, apparently David Cook is all hot and bothered that he is being stalked by crazed women who show up at his hotel room, which I completely understand. I once drunkenly gave the wrong guy my phone number and he proceeded to call me the next day about six times all before I got out of work. Not the same, you say? Probably not. Perez says posting a MySpace blog asking to stop the stalking is a douche move [pot calling the kettle black, no?], but considering even I have mentioned David several times on this blog by the virtue of his handsome head of hair and Mariah Carey covering abilities alone, I believe there are probably some severe crazies out there. But regardless of the ethics of such a blog posting, I was most struck by the fact that said post was surprisingly well written for a "celebrity blog." No "lolspeak"! [Which I use, so...whatevs] The phrase "but in contrast"! Words as complex as "muster" and "condemn!" Entire sentences! Periods! Commas! Behold:

ATTENTION!

Hey everyone,
First off, I want to say thank you to everyone who has been coming out to the shows since my last post. The vibe at these shows has been amazing.

Secondly, I have to address some behavior that has become disturbing. We pride ourselves on being accessible to you as fans, but in contrast, we do enjoy what little privacy we can muster. To that end, the efforts by some fans to find our hotel rooms, call our hotel rooms, attach things to our bus, etc., is something I have to condemn. This relationship only works when it remains healthy for both parties, and should this behavior continue, the only thing we can do is take more preventative measures to maintain our privacy, which in turn makes us less accessible to you.

I hope this doesn't come off as harsh. I merely want to nip this in the bud so we can continue to have a great experience with all of you at the shows we have coming up. Take care and see you at the next show.

~D

If the base line for celebrity blogs is Courtney Love and Lindsey Lohan, this blog is basically the War and Peace of celebrity blogs. Which makes me feel a] that David might not actually have written it or b] if he did write it, I really like you now David and maybe I'll show up at your hotel room. We can play Scramble on Facebook for hours, and then make googly eyes to each other while we read Strunk and White's The Elements of Style.
Though you might not want to be so hasty David because according to your MySpace you are playing a show at the Allegan, MI County Fair and it does not bode well for your career that even though I spent the first 22 years of my life in Michigan I have no clue where Allegan County is. So, alas, I have no idea where to appear with my pink and glittery sign that says "I LUV UR GRAMMAR SKILLZ."

[Oh, Google Maps tells me Allegan County is on the west side of the state - the side I ignore, because it gave us Dick DeVos].


Barack watches Gossip Girl!

Barack redeemed himself in my eyes for his Special Olympics gaffe [which let's be honest, probably won't get shoes thrown at you] by mentioning Gossip Girl during a town hall meeting in California. As quoted by New York Magazine:

"Is he on, like, Gossip Girl or something?" —President Obama reacting to the boisterous applause mysteriously awarded to one questioner at a town hall in Los Angeles today

Nothing would make me happier than to know that Barack actually secretly watches GG every Monday night, but I am sure things like leading the free world might get in the way. Maybe he TiVos. At the very least, let's talk guest appearances Barack - Nate is apparently about to get into politics! Perfect!
Also, that is how Barack looked during his own Gossip Girl days ^


Allen Ginsberg Mania!

There is nothing I love more than bald gay men with plastic glasses [that is a lie], but I do love Allen - lines from Howl are in the running for the tattoo I will get when I have money to spend on such frivolous things. And now apparently, there is not one but two - two! - movies in the works about Allen, one starring James Franco and the other starring some random unknown. The one starring James Franco probably has a better chance, considering it also stars John Hamm, Jeff Daniels, Mary Louise-Parker, and David Strathairn. The one with the random also stars some guy from Fantastic Four as Jack Kerouac [ummm.....what?], but also has Ben Whishaw, who was pretty good in I'm Not There.
Speaking of I'm Not There, is it even worth it to make two Allen Ginsberg movies when David Cross and Cate Blanchett already nailed this scene?:


Nay:

The End of Team Juliet?!

At the moment, Juliet is basically the best character on Lost - she is not annoying like Kate, she has proven herself to be kind of a badass [gun fights during canoe chases! delivering babies on the spot in 1977! a Dharma mechanic!], and most importantly, she managed to snag Sawyer for herself and I don't hate her for it. In fact, they make a pretty adorable couple. So please, please, Elizabeth Mitchell do not leave Lost!!! I have never heard of this TV pilot you have been cast in - maybe just as guest! please! - but if you have to leave, please do not leave without giving Karen and I the Juliet/Kate smackdown we having been wanting. Of course, if we had our way you would win this smackdown, hands down. Kate may be an ex-con, but Juliet conned all the castaways into trusting her back in the day - and has proven that she's actually worth trusting. That is, unless this entire thing is a ruse spanning thirty years - and if that's the case, you can go Juliet.


Watchmen

I give you props off the bat for one thing Watchmen - your soundtrack included not one, but three Bob Dylan songs. [Well, two were covers, but still] The bad thing? Did we really need to see someone get his arms sawed off Zack Snyder?! The worst thing? Silk Spectre telling the nuclear Dr. Manhattan that licking him was "like licking a battery." I understand that line isn't in the book, so pay attention to this eye roll. Oh, brother. The worst worst thing? The slow motion CGI-looking sex scene in a flying owl-shaped airplane thing set to Leonard Cohen's original Hallelujah. Maybe that's just because Leonard Cohen kind of creeps me out.
But to be fair, the movie made me want to read the book, because you could tell the movie was trying too hard to live up to something it couldn't. Plus, unlike the movie I hear the book contains a giant fake alien squid, so really, why wouldn't I want to read that?

The best part of the movie was its visual style, and all the best parts are in the trailer [of course]. Plus, stay tuned to the special surprise at the end of the video:

This week's playlist.

1. The Sun Always Shines on TV - a-ha

2. No Man's Woman - Sinead O'Connor

3. Amnesia - Britney Spears [Actually, since I just saw her in concert I've been listening to a lot of Brit this week. But I will spare you the list].

4. Centerfold - J. Geils Band

5. Tiny Dancer - Elton John

6. All The Trees of the Field Will Clap Their Hands - Sufjan Stevens

7. You Ain't Goin' Nowhere - Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova

8. Wildwood Flower - The Carter Family

9. Listen Up! - The Gossip

10. Strawberry Fields Forever - The Beatles

Gossip Girl: Here's To You Mrs. Robinson!

Praise the Lord! GG has returned!! And it returned with an entire episode centering around one of my favorite books in high school - The Age of Innocence. Oh, it's like the CW can read my mind or something!

Sophomore year my English teacher was mad obsessed with Daniel Day Lewis so our entire reading curriculum was based around books that we could read and then watch a DDL movie version of it afterwards. And let's be honest, that's not a bad way to plan a curriculum. One of the benefits of going to an all girls high school was that no one complained when my teacher saw it fit to rewind and rewatch that kiss from The Last of the Mohicans like 4 times. [It was encouraged in fact] So did we read the Age of Innocence and rewatch that scene when Newland kisses Ellen's wrist - which GG basically made a mockery of tonight - like 25 times? Hellz yeah we did. And it was awesome.

Edith Wharton and Gossip Girl go together so well I can't believe it took them until the second season to do it this explicitly. I haven't read The Age of Innocence since high school because honestly I want to preserve the power it had for me back then- it moved me to tears when I was 16 and I think my 23 year old hardened self probably wouldn't be so affected. I think I was so moved then because the plot of The Age of Innocence basically is high school - just with operas, European countesses, summers in Newport and intricately planned balls. But as everyone's mental breakdowns during their staging of the play made evident, when you live in the world of Gossip Girl, all that stuff is high school.

Dan Humphrey seriously is Newland Archer, but come on Penn Badgley - was it just me or did your acting seriously suck this episode? Not just on stage in your school play - since Dan has never shown any inclination towards acting why would he do it suddenly now? - but the entire episode. What's bothering you? Are you and Blake on the rocks?! Dear God say it isn't so! But to paraphrase Dorota - transfer that emotion to your acting son! Because that scene in the costume closet where you tried to seduce Rachel by kissing her wrist DDL style was just....lame. In the movie its hot, so to show you how its done dear Penn, here is a primer:

[Yeah you have to click to like the 8 minute mark to get to the DDL hotness because that screen cap of the ugly old lady doesn't exactly scream sexy].

At first I didn't quite get the casting of Blair as Ellen and Serena as May - if only because in the movie the brunette Winonna Ryder is May and the blonde Michelle Pfieffer is Ellen. But Serena's penchant for bucking the rules of New York society and taking lines of coke with Georgina Sparks [YAY! Coming back soon!] seems to be more along the lines of Ellen's transgressive personality. And Blair and her headbands seem more in synch with by the book May - as both Blair and May seem to actually care what New York society thinks of them. But once I got over this switcher-roo Blair and Serena in their respective roles worked within the context of the episode [though it would have been much more scandalous if Blair had ended up in the closet with Dan, the way Edith intended it!].

And Vanessa and Nate - you are dead to me. Again. You were dead to me after that weird mailing each other crazy underwearz debacle but since that was like half a year ago I almost forgot about it. But in the words of Karen, if you have a two minute conversation about how your relationship is like a tomato, it's probably time to just break the fuck up.

My major gripe with this episode - well, besides the weird stitled acting of which Penn was the major but not the only offender [seriously it was like everyone acted like they were in a high school play the entire episode] - was that there was no mention of lillies of the valley or yellow roses. Not gonna lie, to this day if a guy gave me yellow roses in the manner of Newland Archer I would most likely melt like a popsicle in the dryer.

Finally:
Good god Chuck Bass go back to freakin' school!!!!11

A Put On A Show Kinda Girl.

I love to make mix CDs for any and all occasions [even some non-occasions], so when I was commissioned to make a Britney Spears mix CD for the ride to her concert last night by our driver, of course I obliged.

But while I was making said mix CD I had the slightly terrifying realization that Britney has alot of songs. Alot of songs. Alot of....good songs?!!!! When did this happen!?
I had trouble deciding which songs to put on the CD because so many of them seemed to warrant a place. ...Baby One More Time? Of course. Oops I Did It Again? Obviously. I'm A Slave 4 U? Clearly. Toxic? Duh. Circus? Yes. Womanizer? Indeed.
But a long email chain yesterday between friends debating which Britney "B-Sides" and "bonus tracks" also merited a place on the mix CD [Phonography and Amnesia being those with the most votes] seemed to be the wrong conversation to be having about...Britney Spears. B-Sides? Discarded tracks? Aren't those things you talk about when referring to, I don't know, the Beatles? When is Britney releasing her Basement Tapes?

And in the car on the way to the concert there was a thoughtful debate about what was Brit's best music video - she has enough videos to warrant a "best of"?!??! - with I'm A Slave 4 U being crowned the eventual winner. Because a guy licks her face! The car ride continued with a discussion of the phrases "hit me baby one more time" and "oops, I did it again" and what they really meant. Could they really just be self-referential phrases and self-fulfilling prophecies about musical hits themselves? No way. Britney couldn't be that deep....could she?

You know how at the end of Gimmie More that random male voice cuts in and calls her "The Legendary Miz Britney Spears"? Is that...true?



Excuse me for saying this Kanye, but Britney Spears is the voice of my generation. That's right. I said it. And before you start hurling sunglasses and Auto-Tune mics in my direction Kanye, let me explain:

As my friend Stephanie so wisely pointed out ten years ago she wouldn't be caught dead at a Britney Spears concert - me neither! So in the course of a decade what changed?

Well Britney went crazy for one, and to be honest I wasn't really a fan of Britney until she went wild, shaved her head, beat up a car with an umbrella and went into gas station bathrooms barefoot with her bag of Cheetos and a Frappacino. During high school I always secretly thought her songs were catchy but it wasn't like I could admit it - I had cred to maintain. I was in drama club! And no, my drama club wasn't a Zacquisha style happy go lucky glitterly place - I wore black! And made sets and props! With duct tape!

But then Britney played out every girl's [even girls in drama clubs!] secret and not so secret worst nightmares - getting fat, getting a divorce, being a bad mother, mental breakdowns, getting laughed at by the cool girls [Remember that shot during the 2007 VMAs of Rihanna giggling to herself during that ill-fated performance of Gimmie More?] - and she survived. She not only survived, she released a bangin' album that makes me want to dance without the usual prerequisite of inhebriation.

I have certainly been to concerts with more, how shall I say it - artistic ambitions? - but never to one more fun. I have also never been surrounded by so many women, and yes, gay men, my age in one place at one time as I was last night at TD Banknorth Garden. There were skanks who really really should have worn a pair of tights under that dress, the girl wearing a Britney t-shirt clearly purchased at a concert circa 2000, the lesbian couple holding hands, the girls who clearly did not feel like getting more dressed up than jeans and a tshirt and yes, grad students who debated the deeper meanings of her lyrics on the way to the concert. But Brit was having a good time. We were all having a good time. Sometimes girls really do just want to have fun, and you taught us that after all the mess-ups and fuck-ups you and all 18,000 of us have had been through, we've earned the right to break it down and sing along to ...Baby One More Time.

Because let's be honest, it's what we've wanted to do all along.

Custody battles, restraining orders and conservaships or whatever be damned because last night you were a woman in charge Britney. A ring leader during Circus [wearing a coat that I really want for myself, just without the crazy fur collar. See above!^], a general who can order her dancers to drop and give her 10 during Boys, and a police officer on the lookout for all those Womanizers out there.

There weren't many youngins in the audience, a good thing too considering her pig-tailed school girl days are long gone. Instead there was a video interlude of an Eyes Wide Shut/ Chuck Bass style masked orgy set to Marilyn Manson's version of Sweet Dreams [and even though Marilyn Manson kinda scares me, I am going to go on the record to say that this video was really well done and in a weird way one of the highlights of the concert]:


a performance of Piece of Me in a giant gold cage [for rather obvious reasons] during which she flipped the entire audience, well mainly the side where I was sitting, the bird:





and Cirque de Soliel style flying S&M guys to carry Britney around during Touch of My Hand [also come on, for kind of obvious reasons]:

Pretty much every song performed - and yes, I mean "performed" not "sung" because its Britney, so obviously that mic was basically for show - was a remix of sorts, but they were by no means obnoxious remixes and in most cases actually kinda cool. Boys got the addition of a military drum beat, ...Baby One More Time got an early '90s New York break dancing vibe [Seriously, I know it sounds weird. But it was seriously wasn't], and Gimmie More was performed without Britney at all, just some guys doing some pretty impressive martial arts moves.

My favorite performance of the night - along with almost everyone else I attended with - was of Me Against The Music, which isn't even one of my favorite Britney songs. But it got an Arabian nights/Bollywood/ King and I/ Edward Sayid Orientalist remake that really ratcheted it up a notch, and sorry Madonna, but no one even noticed you weren't there. It was the one song Britney really broke it down to as well, trading her stilletos in favor of some I Dream of Jeannie flats reminiscent of the tennis shoes she used to wear back in the day.

I would probably buy this remix on iTunes [read: download it illegally], but this YouTube video, as with all YouTube vidoes, doesn't really do the performance justice:



Speaking of breaking it down, Brit even busted out the old moves from the I'm A Slave 4 U video! But sadly, no one licked her face:


The conclusion? Not a girl, not yet a woman? Bitch, please. Britney owned all 18,000 of us last night [the concert ended with everyone chanting Britney! Britney!], and as she slinked around the stage I got the feeling that Britney had finally grown into herself - shaved head, unfortunate umbrellas, ambulance rides and all.
And that Britney is why I love you - you give me hope that I can outgrow this quarter-life crisis I am in the midst of without ending up locked and sobbing in my bathroom. Well, maybe not.

But like I said, I have some hope.

This Week's Playlist

1. Once In A Lifetime - Talking Heads
2. I Want You Back - Jackson 5
3. Apartment Story - The National
4. Slow Show - The National
[Yeah...so I am addicted to 2 songs by the same band. Whatevs.]
5. Jolene - Dolly Parton
6. What's Going On - Marvin Gaye
7. Aquarius/Let The Sunshine In - The 5th Dimension
8. I Won't Back Down - Tom Petty
9. Sweet Dreams - The Euthrymics
10. If I Never See Your Face Again - Maroon 5 and Rihanna

Girls just wanna have crushes.

UrbanDictionary.com - that purveyor of all things truthy - defines a "girl crush" as

"feelings of admiration and adoration which a girl has for another girl, without wanting to shag said girl. a nonsexual attraction, usually based on veneration at some level."

This being March, Women's History Month, it seems to be the appropriate time to discuss the woman who have made themselves girl crush worthy [that, and the fact that Gossip Girl has decided to take itself off the air for 42 weeks, so I have nothing to blog about]. I have different types of guy crushes [they mainly fall into the No Way This Will Ever Happen or the Eh, Maybe categories], so why can't I have different types of girl crushes?

So in tribute to all the women who are so awesome they almost make me forget about men [almost], I now present to you my girl crushes:

1. The Damn, You're Just Awesome Girl Crush

This type of girl crush is the most broad, as it involves women who are just well - there is no other word for it - awesome. My biggest girl crush in this category is Michelle Obama, because as much her husband makes me swoon, Michelle just seems classy and cool. I am too young to remember Nancy Regean, Barbara Bush has just always been old, Hillary just...I don't know but god she annoys me, and Laura Bush was a bit too sticky Southern sweet. Of all the first ladies in my lifetime, Michelle is the one I would want to come to my dinner party - know what I'm saying? She could make jokes, yet still carry on a serious conversation if that's where the wine led, could throw out those annoying lingering guests with her hardcore arms and would be better dressed than everyone else while doing it. Next time my roommates and I throw a dinner party, we'll send you an invite on Facebook Michelle.

The woman can break it down to Rihanna for goshsakes, why would you not want her at your party?



2. The You're Everything I Wish I Was Girl Crush

Everyone has that dream life, the one they are pretty sure they will never get - if only because they think they are not go-getter enough, not good looking enough, not talented enough - but they are dreams born out things we could probably actually do if we tried hard enough. So we have girl crushes on the women who were actually brave enough to somehow do what we always wanted to do. If I was famous for any reason, I would want to be famous like Tina Fey - mainly because it would be mean I could be famous and not have to give up my glasses for contacts because touching my eye freaks me out. But I could also be famous for being a writer - well, at least a writer who also plays a writer on TV - and for making people laugh, which might be my only talent in real life anyway. [maybe] If I could write a show like 30 Rock I would be hella proud of myself, but let's face it, I'm just not motivated enough.

Donald Trump, taco night in prison, Roy Rogers biscuits and remote controlled vibrating underpants. All in one interview. I love you Tina:


3. The Maybe In Another Lifetime Girl Crush

If we have girl crushes on women who do what we just think we can't do, we also have them on women who do what we really never, ever could do. The grass is always greener on the other side, so we need to somehow live vicariously through these women to get a taste of what we will never have. I have absolutely zero musical talent whatsoever [okay fine, I can play the recorder with my nose!], even though music is one of my most favorite-est things in the world. So I have girl crushes aplenty of the ladies of the musical persuasion: I wish I could have rocked Monterey Pop as hard as Janis Joplin [just minus the overdosing], dance and lip-sync in my old school girl outfit like Britney Spears, make music videos as fun and playful as Feist's, write every song in the world like Carole King or even make the world care as much about umbrellas as Rihanna. But alas, I am just stuck with my recorder.

I have always thought this outfit is hideous, but it doesn't matter because Janis is tearing it up:


Even though you're wearing sparkle leggings in the mom-jeans cut, I still love you Britney! [And, I am seeing you in a week!]:


Leave it to Feist to make the music video for a song about getting your heart broken completely adorable:


'70s fashions weren't kind to anyone, were they? Good thing this is a great song, Carole:


RIHANNA I LOVE YOU WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH CHRIS BROWN?!:



4. The Historical Girl Crush

We women wouldn't have gotten to where we are today if it wasn't for the women who came before us, so we certainly owe them their due. Women of the past were just as awesome as women today, so just because they don't regularly show up Perez Hilton who says we can't have girl crushes on them too?! I'd like to believe Elizabeth I was as hardcore as Judi Dench, and managing to rule England during the time of Shakespeare, the Spanish Armada and highly ruffled and starched collars makes me think that she actually probably was. I once trudged around Mount Auburn cemetary for like 2 hours immediately after an early morning plane ride just to find the memorial to Sarah Margaret Fuller - who may or may not have had sex with Ralph Waldo Emerson, inspired one of Natheniel Hawthorne's characters, married an Italian richie only to die at sea, and most importantly, wrote a highly convincing tract calling for increased rights for both women and slaves. And of course, there is always Abigail Adams, who in the midst of a revolution was kind enough to remind the Fouding Fathers that yes, they should remember the ladies! Word.

Ahahahaha, this is totally someone's like 9th grade history project. Oh well, it has lots of Elizabeth. And Cate! And Helen!


This is basically the only video about Margaret Fuller on YouTube, and I have no idea what the context is, except that yeah, its probably a 9th grade class project too:


Pins! Saltpeter! Jooooooooooohn!




5. The Completely Imaginary Girl Girl Crush

If I can have crushes on the likes of Willy Wonka [Wilder only, not Depp], Chuck Bass and Harry Potter why can't I have girl crushes on imaginary women too? Like the majority of women I have a literary crush on Mr. Darcy, so clearly I can have a girl crush on Elizabeth Bennet too. What's not to love? Smart, witty, beautiful, independent and probably the one book character every girl who does the assigned reading in high school wouldn't mind being. If Elizabeth Bennet is my literary girl crush, its only logical that my television girl crush is on Lorelei Gilmore. She's everything Elizabeth Bennet is but she makes references to David Bowie, goes to Bangles concerts and drinks so much coffee that even I am impressed. Plus, she managed to raise a daughter who in her self could be girl crush worthy, so for that Lorelei, I salute you.

BBC Elizabeth Bennet + Kelly Clarkson's Miss Independent = genius?


Coffee + the Gilmores + The Smiths = for serious genius.


6. The OMFG You're A Badass! Girl Crush

Some women are just such badasses that you would be in awe just to be around them - or maybe just too scared to move for fear of getting your ass kicked. I guess some would argue Angelina Jolie could go in this category - but she is my number one girl hate. [Or maybe she's tied for that honor with Miley Cyrus] So I am going to dedicate this category to two of the biggest badasses I know - Anne Bonney and Mary Reed, pirates who single-handedly defended their ship against the British Navy when all their male counterparts decided to hide it out in the ship's hull. Oh, and did I mention that one of them was pregnant when this occured?! [Try to do that, MIA!] Unfortunately, both Anne and Mary eventually ended up in jail and Anne was executed. Mary on the other hand, disappeared and no one knows exactly what happened to her - I'd like to think she's still roaming about the high seas, being a bad ass. When are these women getting their own theme park ride and movie franchise Disney?!

Um, I have no words for this. Except for the fact that I wasted an entire semester doing research to try and write a vaguely academic paper about Anne Bonney and Mary Reed when really I could have just watched this video:



Well, there they are - my girl crushes. Most of them anyway, as Karen claims that having a crush on a gay man is basically the same as a girl crush. So if that's the case in the spirit of full disclosure I also have crushes on Tim Gunn and Zac Efron.

There, I think I'm done.

This week's playlist.

1. Radar - Britney Spears
2. Orange Sky - Alexei Murdoch
3. Teenage Love Affair - Alicia Keys
4. Sleeping In - The Postal Service
5. Baba O'Riley - The Who
6. Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic - The Police
7. Pressing On - John Doe
8. Don't Panic - Coldplay
9. Champion - Kanye West
10. Stop Breaking Down - The White Stripes