I think I might kinda love Paula Abdul.

If I happen to watch American Idol its mainly for the train wreck factor, like when that dread locked stoner kid forgot the words to Bob Dylan [I nearly threw a book through the TV] or when David Archuleta danced like a duck to a Chris Brown song [Thanks for sending me that Youtube video Karen! And hey, a year ago Chris Brown wasn't dead to the world!]. So yesterday I watched because it was disco night! DISCO. That has to be the worst idea for a theme ever, so I was hoping for a total bloodbath. But instead I got some decent performances - because no one sang a disco song like it was actually disco - and a Paula Abdul who was weirdly coherent enough to make some strangely poetic metaphors that involved women's underwear and bowling.
Wtf, American Idol, wtf.

Ah, but then I was gifted with this: Paula Abdul choreographing a dance number for non-dancing contestants! The behind the scenes package was of course just as giant product placement ad - as this entire show is - but it showcases Paula making weird facial expressions while she teaches the same dance steps my Polish dance group would do for "novelty numbers." [Those numbers were terrible btw, and one year we older kids revolted and flatly refused to do them anymore. I don't know why these contestants didn't do the same.] But the contestants execute shuffle-ball-changes and box steps and whatevs admirably, considering they are being humiliated by wearing aviator sunglasses and bell bottoms and every other 70s article of clothing just short of Afro wigs. But the real star is Paula, who giddily introduces the contestants wearing a dress that is just 1 inch south of causing her to pull a Britney. And then at the end she gets flowers and does the Miss USA wave! Hey Paula, how do you feel about gay marriage?!

Straight up, best song and dance routine ever on American Idol. Way better than when they sang Bailamos, and when I'm drunk Enrique is my song - so you know that's saying something:

This Week's Playlist.

1. Waking Up In Vegas - Katy Perry
2. I'm Good, I'm Gone - Lykke Li
3. Julia - The Beatles
4. September - Earth, Wind & Fire
5. Hysteric - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
6. Right Round - Flo Rida
7. He Can Only Hold Her - Amy Winehouse
8. Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow - The Shirelles
9. Beautiful Girls - Sean Kingston
10. Let Me See You - Girl Talk

Gossip Girl: If I Were A Rich Man.

Okay, so, I am going to come clean and tell you that everything I know about the world I learned from either a musical or Wikipedia. So obviously, immediately after watching "Seder Anything" I broke out my Fiddler on the Roof soundtrack and got a hardcore craving for potato pancakes because all us Eastern Europeans, Jewish or not, love those things. [Fried potatoes with sour cream? What's not to love?!]

But since I can't make potato pancakes as well as my mother and/or any of the Polish restaurants back home - I can have some in like, a month! - I will have to settle for dissecting this entire Gossip Girl episode through Fiddler on the Roof lyrics. Because that wouldn't be lame at all.

Well, somebody has to arrange the matches/ Young people can't decide these things themselves.

Indeed it seems poor Blair can't continue her life without a college matchmaker, the latest in a long line being Cyrus who, thanks to a favor owed to him by an old friend he saved in Vietnam, offered to hook her up with an interview at NYU. Blair refused at first, crying that ''Just because I lost Yale does not mean I'm wasting my time at a non-Ivy reading Beloved six times and experimenting with lesbianism.'' Touche Ms. Waldorf, touche.
And Granddaddy Vanderbilt was terrified that Nate had actually dared to decide something for himself, choosing Columbia over the family approved Yale. Hey one of my roommates is going to Columbia next year Nate! Maybe you'll see her there! But Nate's grandfather sucked Blair into a deal to get her a better socialite standing if only she could convince Nate that Yale and Bulldog Blue were a perfect match for his skin tone. Matchmaker! Matchmaker! Find me a find, catch me a catch!

And who does Mama teach to mend and tend and fix/ Preparing me to marry whoever Papa picks? /The daughter, the daughter! Tradition!/The daughter, the daughter! Tradition!

Nate was his cousin Tripp's best man because it's what Grandfather ordered, and bride Maureen only had bridesmaids chosen from a preordained list. A list which of course, stretched to include Blair when she agreed to sway Nate to the Vanderbilt ways. And then Nate finally decided to up and grow a backbone [Where did that come from?! These characters have no consistencies whatsoever.] and berate his Grandfather for turning in his father to the authorities. Though of course, it turned out that a high society rehearsal dinner is not the best place to go against tradition, but Nate's awkward toast lead to a happy reconciliaton between him and his Grandfather when he learned everything was done in the interest of him and his mother. All together now: Awwwwwwww. Not so happy for Blair though, when everything blew up her face. That will teach you B to stay home and eat brisket with the fam like a good girl.

L'chaim, l'chaim, to life,/ It takes a wedding to make us say, "Let's live another day," / Drink l'chaim, to life!

So the south of Spain is ca-ra-zay. I get that S. When I was in Barcelona I fell asleep on the beach on my stomach and woke up with the worst sunburn ever on my back right across where the main strap of my backpack went. Awesome! And The Powers That Be decided that there was something in the Mediterranean that would cause me to become knock out drop down sick and I spent about a day and half laying on my bunk bed in my hostel listening to a recurring screech from a neighboring apartment building that my friends and I could never determine if it came from a child or a cat. Like I said, crazy!
But enough about me. Let's talk about you, Serena, and how you pulled a Speidi and had a super top secret non wedding in a foreign Spanish speaking country! Wasn't that fun?!
But I also drank a lot in Barcelona S - thanks to my hostel, which sold a liter of Heineken for 3 Euros - so I can understand how you and Gabriel might have ended up doing something in drunken stupidity. Gabriel claims that you two actually aren't married, that he doubts he was sober enough to even pull in an actual priest to the church...but hey, wouldn't it be awesome if he actually wasn't sober enough to realize that he had pulled in a priest?! And when you two crazy kids discover that you actually are married, Dan The Cater Waiter can serve at the reception!

Because of our traditions we have kept our balance for many many years. /Here in Anatevka we have traditions for everything, how to sleep, how to eat, how to work, how to wear clothes.

Poor Cyrus - who is awesome btw, and should be in every episode - no one wanted to eat his bitter herbs at Seder. Everyone was too worried about who was fake married, fake dating, and faking cater-waitering to care about the delicate line up of traditions for Cyrus' Seder dinner. I think everyone would have been less crabby if Cyrus would have just let them eat and broken out the brisket sooner, or maybe the simple answer would have been to actually invite some Jewish folk. Next year Cyrus, next year. PS - where was Aaron Rose?! Has your greasy and skeezy son finally decided to stay in the RI? Because the only thing this dinner needed was one more of Serena's men.
This dinner scene was one of the best of the season - witty, quick, and it actually made me laugh out loud. The repartee between all the actors was surprisingly good, considering I had my doubts about Penn Badgley a few weeks ago. Though playing Flo Rida's Right Round in the background during this scene was an odd soundtrack choice, considering it was a Seder dinner and that song is clearly about blow jobs.

Dear Lord, you made many, many poor people./ I realize, of course, it's no shame to be poor./ But it's no great honor either!/ So, what would have been so terrible if I had a small fortune?

If anyone is the Tevye of Gossip Girl, its clearly Dan who had suffer the Upper East Side equivalent of pulling a milk cart this episode - being a Cater Waiter At A Seder! Poor guy! A high schooler with a shitty first job! You don't say?! And as Karen told me, the most uncomfortable moment for poor Dan was when it dawned on him that Serena thought it was more embarassing to be fake dating a waiter than it was to be fake married.
So to earn money to pay for Yale Poor [wordplay!] Dan served matzoh and glasses of what I can only assume is Manischiewitz like it wasn't his job, pretending to be simply helpful to Eleanor, and not actually hired help [My dad doesn't drink, except for Manischiewitz. I don't understand it, but there is always a bottle in our fridge.] Of course, as with all plans, it blew up in his face.
Dan did an admirable job maneuvering the Seder table with a wine bottle, but it would have been much more impressive if he had done this instead:


Mozel tov!

Get Your Ass in Gear Gossip Girl and Come Back So I Have Something To Blog About Again. kthnx.

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Try not to repeat a song title. It's harder than you think.
[Also, it should be noted that I stole this survey from my little brother's Facebook page. My boredom has just sunk to heretofore unknown levels.]


Pick Your Artist: Bob Dylan, obviously.

Are you male or female: Just Like A Woman

Describe yourself: Girl From The North Country

How do you feel about yourself: Positively 4th Street

Describe where you currently live: Desolation Row

If you could go anywhere, where would you go: Talkin' New York

Your favorite form of transportation: It Takes A Lot To Laugh, It Takes A Train To Cry

Your best friend is: Mr. Tambourine Man

Your favorite color is: Tangled Up In Blue

What's the weather like: Hurricane

Favorite time of day: Meet Me In The Morning

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called: Stuck Inside Of Mobile With The Memphis Blues Again

What is life to you: Simple Twist Of Fate

What is the best advice you have to give: Most Likely You Go Your Way, And I'll Go Mine

If you could change your name, what would it be: Absolutely Sweet Marie

Your favorite food is: One More Cup of Coffee

Thought for the Day: The Times They Are A-Changin'

How I would like to die: Knockin' On Heaven's Door

My soul's present condition: Like A Rolling Stone

The faults I can bear: Don't Think Twice, It's All Right



That was way too easy with Bob. Clearly it's time for a challenge!


Pick Your Artist: It's BRITNEY, bitch!

Are you male or female: I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman.

Describe yourself: What U See [Is What U Get]

How do you feel about yourself: Oops...I Did It Again

Describe where you currently live: Don't Go Knockin' On My Door

If you could go anywhere, where would you go: Where Are You Now

Your favorite form of transportation: That's Where You Take Me

Your best friend is: Crazy

Your favorite color is: Kill The Lights

What's the weather like: Hot As Ice

Favorite time of day: Early Mornin'

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called: Piece of Me

What is life to you: Me Against The Music

What is the best advice you have to give: Don't Let Me Be The Last To Know

If you could change your name, what would it be: Lucky

Your favorite food is: Soda Pop

Thought for the Day: E-mail My Heart

How I would like to die: Heaven On Earth

My soul's present condition: Stronger

The faults I can bear: Sometimes

Last post about a dog. I promise!

It looks like all the paparazzi have migrated to DC to photograph Bo the First Dog today and ask Michelle and Barack necessary questions like "Is he neutered?" and "Has he had an accident yet?" or the ever insightful "Where does he sleep?" Awesome, the entire world is as obsessed with this dog as I am [which probably confirms that our world is in a slow, but steady, state of decline].
But then again, what are Heidi and Spencer doing with themselves today since all the paparazzi abandoned them for the White House lawn? On second thought maybe this dog isn't as bad for the world as I thought:

I think what really needs to happen is that I need to just adopt a damn dog myself.

The moment I have been waiting for since January 20.

And its as sweet as I dreamed.