Gossip Girl: I Know What You Did Last Summer.

Two weeks ago I moved my younger brother into the same dorms I lived in during my undergrad years, which was a terrifying experience. So it was a similar feeling as I tuned into the season premiere, watching my beloved GG'ers all grown up and preparing to make their way in a world with no plaid skirts or required blazers. Ah those last hazy, crazy days of summer before college when the world seems full of possibilities, when - to quote a great philosopher - you're not a girl, not yet a woman.
So how did our fictional friends spend their last days of freedom before they are saddled with term papers, caffeine overloads and Bluebook exams? Did they prepare themselves well for the next four years? Will they succeed? Or fail? Or steal a horse from a polo match and ride off into the sunset? Will they be able to survive dorm life after years of living on the Upper East Side? [Based on the fact that it's not October yet and my brother is already asking my mom to buy him another case of Ramen noodles, I can answer with a resounding "no." And ah, the memories.]
But lucky for you friend, you don't have to answer any of these questions, because I have made a chart! It should also be noted, I was never this organized in college.



Dan
















What Did You Do Last Summer?: Is now a RICH kid living in Manhattan/Brooklyn who rocks designer wallets, but is ashamed of his wealth. He has yet to learn however that wearing tight pants does not hide your shame, but only makes it worse.
College Career Highlight: Will be featured on lookatthisfuckinghipster.com in a hot second.
Would We Be Friends In The Dorms?: Would totally crush on Dan, seeing as he has spent the summer growing out his hair. Guys with shaggy hair were my thang when I was 19. Bonus: is also "intellectual."

Serena




















What Did You Do Last Summer?: Read a lot of romance novels while in Europe as she is now running away from polo matches on horses with her dress and hair blowing behind her in the wind. To be fair, I did sit next to someone who I swear was Fabio on a flight between London and Madrid, so maybe she met that dude.
College Career Highlight: Will land at Brown in a helicopter like Emma Watson [allegedly!] did.
Would We Be Friends In The Dorms?: Serena's paparazzi army would run wild on my beloved campus, so no. It's because of kids like you Serena that Brown was named the "Douchiest College In America" by GQ, so thanks.


Chuck





















What Did You Do Last Summer?: Blair.
College Career Highlight: College is for pussies who don't already own multimillion dollar companies, or have girlfriends who encourage them to hit on hot blonds.
Would We Be Friends In the Dorms?: No, he'd be the skeez I'd tell my roommate to stop dating not only because he was a player but also because he was stealing our orange juice.


Blair





















What Did You Do Last Summer?: Chuck. Also some hat shopping.
College Career Highlight: Graduating Summa Cum Laude. Cap and gown are already purchased for role play with Chuck, btw.
Would We Be Friends In The Dorms?: Yes, because I was totally an overachiever when I first got to college too. Then I started drinking.


Nate






















What Did You Do Last Summer?: Finally got rid of Zacquisha-esque hair. Also wandered about Europe desperately seeking a storyline.
College Career Highlight: Will continue to indulge cougar fantasies - starting with Masters student, will work up to PhD student, cap off career with professor. Does Columbia have a female president? Because he'll screw her too.
Would We Be Friends In The Dorms?: Pretty, but boring. Would admire from afar.


Vanessa
















What Did You Do Last Summer?: Traveled around Europe with ex-boyfriend. Also put weird, inexplicable dread like extensions in hair.
College Career Highlight: Wining student film-making competition. Also possibly finding boyfriend that isn't boring as shit.
Would We Be Friends In The Dorms?: Yes, because Vanessa and I both share unfortunate hair/jewelry/strange colored/patterned clothing situations.

Scott





















What Did You Do Last Summer?: Schemed to find birth parents, and succeeded. This is because unlike Serena, he did not act like a drunken slut.
College Career Highlight: Interrupting Blair's commencement address, Kanye-style, to announce that he is really the long lost and thought dead Lincoln Hawk Love Baby. Come to think of it, that's more of a Tom Sawyer move, but that reference isn't nearly as topical.
Would We Be Friends In The Dorms: Yes. Like, OMG, you love Lincoln Hawk too?!!?!
















Jenny
Irrelevant.

Eric
See above.

Why I kinda dig 1963.

As per usual, the United States of America is in an uproar this morning. Last night Ellen Degeneres officially replaced Paul Abdul on American Idol and we as a country didn't know how to deal with having our favorite incoherent washed up pop star replaced by our favorite lesbian on our favorite karaoke show, so we lashed out. We lashed out and yelled things at the President.
I'm not sure how I feel about Joe Wilson's now infamous "YOU LIE!" outburst [Though I did love Nancy Pelosi's "Bitch, oh no you didn't!" stare], mainly because they are always yelling at each other like this in the British Parliament and I find it rather charming. But that's what revolutions are for and we can't act British any more, so I guess hey, your bad Joe Wilson.
The true point of the matter is, this week has already been a little crazy aside from Ellen and Joe - our President was also giving scandalous speeches to our nation's youth, a crazy guy was trying to hijack a plane in Mexico and it was Labor Day so no one wanted this week to go past Monday anyway. People were already freaked out about last night's health care speech because - wait for it! - it was going to be shown on every single channel! Well, except for on Fox, which obviously couldn't bring itself to not show another episode of So You Think You Can Dance, which is curious because I thought that show just freakin' ended.
Therefore Fox should clearly be commended for its defiance for a] picking Ellen despite her lack of apparent musical knowledge and for b] ignoring the President's request for airtime because really, how dare he want to address the nation about something vaguely more important than a reality competition show.
Now before I go any further, if you haven't noticed, I love me some Barack Obama. Not really just because of politics, but I do love the man himself - in that I think we could probably hang out, have a beer and discuss our mutual love of Abraham Lincoln's word choices together sort of way. So needless to say, I wouldn't be the first person to complain if I had to watch those adorable large ears on every single channel. But I think this TV Station Uproar would be unfounded no matter who was president, even if it was someone who's large ears I found gumpy, not adorable [cough GWB cough].
But let us stop the panic and think about this for a hot second America: Is it really so terrible for our President to command our airwaves for an hour on a Wednesday night?
Because I'm an East Coast Liberal Elitist, who watches shows like this, I'm going to answer my own question using an episode of Mad Men. To me the most striking moment in last week's episode was when little Sally Draper, trying to escape the horror of her beloved Grandfather's death was relegated by her mother to watching TV, only to see on the screen the horror of the precursors to the Vietnam War in the form of a monk immolating himself on the street. Today Brian Williams would warn us four times before such an image was shown on the nightly news, if at all, but here was Sally watching wide eyed a person's real life suicide.
Mad Men is of course not real life, but the moment was so striking because it called into sharp relief the fact that in 1963, really what else could Sally watch? If she changed the station [which she could only do a few times], the chances were good she would see the same news on every channel - a fact made plain as the episode's story shifts from household to household and the same newscast in heard in the background. There was no Disney Channel or Cartoon Network or Nickelodeon to take little Sally's mind off grief and death, instead her television merely served as a reminder that death was happening all the time, and all over the world:



What is so strange then is that some of the people who panicked at Obama's speech last night seem to overlap with some of the people who are forever advocating a "return" to values, implying by asking for a "return" that values are something we had and then lost. It's as if 1963 has some sort of inherent morality simply because it was "back then" and is now clouded with the rosy glow of nostalgia - but in 1963 monks were setting themselves on fire in protest, our president was getting his brains shot out and the bulk of the Civil Rights Movement was just something vague on the horizon. Credentials don't matter at all on Blogger, but the biggest thing I learned from earning a degree in history is that the world has always been pretty fucked up, and we're not going to get back to better times because there really were never any good times in the first place. Nevertheless if there's one place I wouldn't mind seeing a return to 1963, it's on our television screens.
Today TV is all about choice - what 24 hour news network do you watch? FOX? MSNBC? CNN? Do you pay for basic cable? Or premium? Isn't there a premium-premium where you get everything? Not satisfied with what the stations are playing right now? No bother, just order something off Pay Per View!
If the moon landing were tonight, how many people would get bored listening to Anderson Cooper and switch over to Bravo instead? As hard as the Jonas Brothers try, they'll never be as famous as the Beatles - they are too easy to tune out, to flip over when they are on TV, to not be heard when we can listen to our personalized radio stations on XM or Pandora. Everyone knew the Beatles, and everyone watched them on Ed Sullivan [famously, people even put off pulling crimes to watch!] but can you tell me who is on Dave Letterman tonight?
These choices have been good for us as individuals, but not necessarily for us as a nation. Lately all we've been doing is yelling at each other [literally, which is scary] at town halls and even now in Congress, so maybe its time we shared a bit more. When he came to the United States in the 1830s Alexis de Tocqueville wrote that it was governed by the "tyranny of the majority," which is probably a bad thing, but after all these centuries also probably the only thing holding a country as large and diverse as ours together.
With our vast array of choices we tend to forget that television's true strength is that it can be a shared experience, a medium capable of being everywhere at once, from sea to shining sea. So let's all watch the President together and let's all watch Ellen's first night on American Idol, and then we can all have something to talk about the next day at work. And then maybe we won't feel the need to yell at each other because hey, even though that lady you met at the town hall from Arkansas doesn't want universal health care like you do, she thought Ellen sucked at her new job too, so maybe you two do have more in common than you realized.
This isn't to say that Americans didn't hate each other even when our television choices were limited [um, hello HUAC!] or even before television when the thought of fighting a war against each other on our own soil was not only conceivable, but totally real. But like I said I love Lincoln, so to paraphrase the man in the stovepipe hat, our "mystic chords of memory" seem to be growing more and more tenuous and it's time we found a little bit of common ground America, even if the only thing we share is our mutual annoyance that So You Think You Can Dance has been preempted for yet another damn speech.

Because this makes COMPLETE sense.

Hey remember when Geraldo Rivera opened Al Capone's vault live on national TV and nothing was there?! Well, the contents of the vault have finally been located - on the backs of the cast of Gossip Girl! That is only one of the theories I have as to why the GG cast has suddenly and inexplicably turned up on set dressed in Prohibition Chic.
Some other theories as to wtf is actually going on here:

Theory 1: Bonnie & Clyde is actually being remade, but no one told the general public. Though if Blake Lively and Penn Badgely are our new Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty, the world is ending:





















Alternate Theory 1: Penn and Blake got jealous of the fact that Leighton Meester weirdly has a hit song with Cobra Starship [seriously, wtf] and are recording their own update of the Jay-Z and Beyonce classic "03 Bonnie & Clyde."
The music video they are clearly filming for "09 Bonnie & Clyde" will totally blow this one out of the water:



Alternate Theory 1: No one told Penn Public Enemies kinda flopped. I mean, it must have, considering I love Johnny Depp hardcore and I didn't even go see it:





















Theory 2: To better deal with the death of his father, Chuck Bass turns to the stage and is cast as Nathan Detroit in a community theater production of Guys & Dolls [Sample line from script: "The only time I can truly escape my pain is when I am pretending to be somebody else!"]:






















Oh, and since you are now making out with men I would have to say, sit down Chuck! You're rockin' the boat!



Theory 3: Hilary Duff is multitasking while in New York and is also appearing on Broadway in Chicago as Velma Kelly. Jesus, I need to stop thinking of the world in terms of musicals:





















Actually, the Duffster is more of a Roxy Hart, and I hate Roxy. She's annoying. Hilary is not nearly awesome enough to be Velma, so let's just watch this instead:




So, in conclusion - no matter the reason for this random Gangsta get-up, I hope it involves some Bob Fosse choreography. The end.



PS. So I was just looking for videos on YouTube and came across this: They ARE making a new Bonnie & Clyde movie starring, wait for it!, HILARY FUCKING DUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!
This just proves we don't have to wait for 2012 for the world to end.

This Week's Playlist.

1. California Stars - Wilco ft. Billy Bragg
2. Galang - M.I.A.
3. Mathematics - Mos Def
4. She Wolf - Shakira
5. Manos Al Aire - Nelly Furtado
6. Secret Meeting - The National
7. Good Ol' Fashioned Nightmare - Matt & Kim
8. Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus [yes, for real]
9. Run This Town - Jay Z ft. Kayne West & Rihanna
10. You Found Me - The Fray

august list

I have found the new Tom Brokaw.

This video is so great - Damon Weaver is a better journalist than a) half the people on TV right now and b) anybody who worked at the university newspaper with me back in the day. Some of his questions are hard son! This kid has straight up guts to tell the President to his face that all school lunches should consist of "french fries and mangoes," which let's be honest, would be AWESOME.
Damon also asks the President to "be his homeboy" after he tells him that "After I interviewed Vice President Biden, he became my homeboy." This kid is clearly a boss, as he is in elementary school and has already interviewed the President, Vice President, and according to his YouTube, Oprah. Dave Letterman is STILL complaining that Oprah won't come on his show, so you go Damon.
People have been falling over themselves to describe and analyze Barack Obama, but has anyone been as concise as Damon's final conclusion that "He's very tall and nice"? When is Damon's book coming out? Or maybe Nickelodeon needs a news anchor?

WTF....no, seriously, WTF?

Lately Ed Westwick has been testing my devotion - first by sporting a too tight Superman t-shirt, and then he showed up to the Teen Choice Awards yesterday rocking this unfortunate mess of an ensemble:




















And if that photo wasn't enough to convince you, the Huffington Post is kind enough to offer this zoomed-in shot:













My brother, who like Chuck Bass has a penchant for wearing clashing plaid patterns at the same time, bow ties, and inappropriately colored pants sent me this message via Facebook upon seeing these photos:

"i am greatly disappointed in my hero."

I am too brother, I am too.



Also in WTF GG news, apparently the initials "WTF" are the new GG campaign...as in "WTF: Watch This Fall." Yeeeeeeeeeaaaaah, that sound you hear is me groaning as well.

Apparently after the splash all those "OMFG" ads caused last year, the GG folks wanted to continue using slightly scandalous texting acronyms to drum up business - which in a way makes a lot of sense, considering Gossip Girl herself mainly operates by text/blogging. But those OMFG ads worked precisely because we all knew exactly what OMFG stood for and knew why it had to be kept in acronym form, lending a tad bit of danger to 8pm network TV programming - but giving WTF this new lame acronym is just that...pretty lame.

The CW just released a new trailer for the upcoming third season and sadly it too is pretty lame: it shows nothing we didn't already know, except for the fact that over the summer it appears Dan Humphrey's hair has gotten wonky. Vanessa is still making out with inappropriate men, Serena is still running around town doing something minorly slutty, Chuck Bass still wears suspenders, Dan is still trying to be an earnest do-gooder [And yay for him! That's what college was invented for!], Jenny still serves no discernible purpose and as always Blair gets the last say and the best lines:




Oh, and I just realized I forgot to mention Nate Archibald in that little roundup because I kind of forgot he existed. So yeah, this season will be the same as the last.

Today in obvious news:

Vanessa is apparently going to be hooking up with the Lincoln Hawk Love Baby come fall. Because no one - and I do mean no one! - saw that awesome piece of plotting laid out before them at the end of the last season on GG.
So here they are macking out on the streets of NYC, courtesy of PITNB:





















It should be noted that the LHLB looks to be about 12 in this photo - I think its a combination of the fact that Vanessa is towering over him Katie Holmes style and the fact that he is wearing a shirt which not only has pink sleeves but also makes him appear to have just gotten home from Little League practice.

Oh, and speaking of 12 year olds, let us also note this other montage from PITNB purely for the fact that Ed Westwick is wearing a Superman t-shirt





















Someone remind me why I find Ed attractive again?