Oh young residents of the Upper East Side, have we gotten to the point where Puff Daddy is wiser than you? [Yes he will always be Puff Daddy to me, no matter how many times he tries to change that.]
But oh naive Dan, Serena, Blair, Chuck and Nathaniel - must I remind you of the refrain of that seminal Puffy/Ma$e/from the grave Biggie/Faith Evans collab from back in the freakin' day of Mo' Money Mo' Problems? Also, I should be clear that by "back in the freakin' day" I mean when I was in grade school. Anyway, you know that refrain don't you? The one that I heard for an entire summer blaring out of rolled down car windows? What? People don't drive around with Biggie blaring from their speakers on the Upper East Side? Only in Detroit and the lovely city of Hamtramck, MI? For shame! Because you missed out on a lot then kids, since if you knew that song you would know you just can't gamble with high-stakes ca$h. Because then you might get arrested. After a set up by your own mother!
So it's time for a refresher course. How does that chorus go? Oh yeah, its:
I don't know what they want from me
It's like the more money we come across
The more problems we see.
Sing it Faith!
And to really refresh your memory, here's video. Just because you know, shiny red jumpsuits never get old. Also, pay particular attention to that special footage of Biggie, Serena. He knew what he was talking about S, and do you know where he is now? That's right - dead. I rest my case.
GG played a Flo-Rida song a few weeks ago and that's probably as hardcore hip hop as that show will get, so I should stop talking about the long ago days of Puffy and start talking about the present P.Diddy days. [Or P.Twitty as he calls himself on Twitter. Because clearly, we are tight Twitter buddies.]
So Gabriel stole the entire Upper East Side's bank accounts [plus Rufus'!] and got himself mo' money for his please-let-me-help-starving-children-in-Africa-get-wifi-because-they-clearly-need-that-more-than-food ponzi scheme. But then Poppy [who the fuck is named Poppy btw?] showed that bitch up and gave him mo' problems by scamming her scamming partner and emptying their bank account for herself while setting Gabriel up to take the fall. And just like that rich people got a tad less richer [hooray!] and Dan and Jenny lost all their college money.
I was enjoying seeing the Humphrey-Van der Woodsen-Basses become a weird, but strangely fitting, family unit - what with going to brunch together and apologizing for trying to rape your soon to be step-sister by adoption and stuff. But poor Dan, his ex-girlfriend/soon to be step-sister [but not by adoption!] lost his college fund through her current bf-who-she-fake-married-in-Spain's ponzi scheme. Good lord, its after writing sentences like that I wonder why I watch this show.
Anyway, the H-V-Bs broke into 50 million pieces this episode: Dan went to Lily with a problem like she was actually his mom, but that upset Serena just like brothers are prone to do, Jenny annoyed her maybe stepmother by blathering on about dresses and Twilight which teenage girls are also prone to do, Eric only appeared for a hot second like shunned gay children are prone to do, Serena was mad her ex-bf/kinda bro ratted her out to Lily and ignored Lily's phone calls and did something stupid, Lily had Serena arrested to create a smaller scandal so she was not implicted in a larger scandal because clearly that is always the best route to go, adopted child Chuck only had the comfort of Serena when he finally-maybe broke it off with Blair and maybe stepmom and maybe stepdad had a fight over finances which ended with Rufus storming out.
Ah. Actually, they are getting to be more and more like a real family with every episode.
Aside from the H-V-Bs the main star of the show was Georgina Sparks, who -praise Jesus! - is back. Lured into entrapping Poppy to make amends with both her old UES cohorts and the Lord, Georgina ended up going from Mary to Mary Magdalene when she got a taste of her old life again. Which is awesome, because when Poppy scammed her out of Bible money, as in money entrusted to her by her Jesus Camp to buy new Bibles, Georgina vowed to get revenge telling Blair "You can tell Jesus that the bitch is back."
Not to paraphrase George Harrison or anything, but my sweet Lord! That might be my favorite Gossip Girl quote ever. The one-liners and jokes came pretty fast and furious this episode [Side note: my roommate and I went to the movies last weekend and all that was playing at the time we got to the mall was Fast & Furious. So we watched it, and it was ridiculous. Which I think I mean in a good way]. But Chuck Bass/Ed Westwick were in fine form this episode, especially during his interactions with Georgina, but particurily in the opening scene in the cab ["Good. I like to be the one who enters."] and when he sniffed her [?!?!?!!1].
Also awesome? Blair's very astute observation that letting Jesus take the wheel is not in fact, a life decision, but rather a Carrie Underwood song. [It's especially funny because Blair's on screen bf is actually Carrie's ex-bf in real life! Haha good one writers.]
And because I want to throw as many random-ass music videos into this single recap as possible for no real reason, here's Carrie for your viewing pleasure:
And with that, Amen!