Gossip Girl: Sixteen Going On Seventeen

Ah, a party. Is there any pleasure on earth quite like waking up at noon on Sunday morning with a vague queasy feeling in your stomach and a slight pound in your head and brewing some coffee while you and your roommates survey the damage done the night before to your apartment by some friends and some I have never seen you before in my life not friends? Any satisfaction as good as knowing everyone had a hella good time as you mop the unidentifiable sticky nonsense from your kitchen floor right before you find a wine bottle on your bathroom counter, a bottle of Jack Daniels [which you did not drink!] on your dresser, a carpet of cigarette butts on your front porch and someone still passed out on your futon? Oh, and when you find those smashed and empty cans of the 'Ganssett on top of your fridge a week later, can you not help but smile?

Reader, these are the finer joys in life, but apparently they are not appreciated on the Upper East Side.

Martini glasses?! Bitch, please. At our last party someone drank wine out of our jello cups. And not jello shot glasses or something, if you would like to give them the benefit of the doubt. No, I'm talking J-E-L-L-O Bill Cosby jello cups.

Caterers?! The culinary pinnacle of the last party at my apartment was a bowl of Sun Chips, and a bowl of Cheetos. And someone threw the bowl of Sun Chips across our kitchen floor and it wasn't until 4 am and when everyone had left did I realize I had Sun Chip crumbs all the way up my boot. Nothing but class.

Missoni dresses?! I wore a dress I bought for $15 at Dress Barn to said party. What? Dress Barn had some surprisingly cute dresses - that were fifteen fucking dollars. Also, when your roommate's now ex-kinda-bf corners you at like 1:30 am and convinces you taking a shot of vodka with white wine as a chaser is a good idea, you won't mind that you miss your mouth
slightly and some of that wine ends up on your dress. Because it was fifteen fucking dollars.

In my world, police showing up to party means it was awesome - considering my roommates and I are dangerously close to this happening, as our neighbors called our landlord to complain about us twice. [Oops!]

But when you live in a DE-lux apartment in the sky, the sticky nonsense on your kitchen floor the next morning probably isn't as cute. Neither is finding your designer duds strewn about your living room [Dress Barn! I am telling you people!] or your expensive art all off kilter and on the floor [I have a poster hanging on my wall that I got for waiting in line at midnight to get the last Harry Potter book. If someone ripped that, I would be angry.] And yeah, I guess if I pulled the shit I pull now when I was in high school, my parents - like Rufus and Lily - would be less than pleased.

Ssssshhhhh....they still don't know about that time I went to a frat party and spilled Sunny D & vodka all over my white shirt and then tried to wash it in a gutter! Let's keep it that way!

And as Dan was so wise to remind Serena - who was getting all up tight about high schoolers acting like, well, high schoolers at her "sophisticated" party - everyone was still in high school, at least for a little while longer. It was nice for Dan to point this out, as you can see why Serena would be easily confused. No one on this show ever remotely acts like they are in high school, as the biggest shocker tonight was that Chuck Bass actually showed up at, gasp!, school!

In the immortal words of the MC5, "The kids want a little action /The kids want a little fun /The kids all have to get their kicks /Before the evening's done." And have their kicks did they ever in this episode - backstabbing text messaging bitchery! Make out revenge! Personalized hot pink napkins! Oh, the treachery! And, dear MC5, why do the kids want these kicks? "'Cause they're goin' to/ High School, rah, rah, rah/ High School, sis, boom, bah/ High School, hey, hey, hey/You better let them have their way."

A teen drama with actual high school antics?! Say it isn't so!

But after plot lines as ridiculous as that Eyes Wide Shut Secret Society it was nice to finally see GG be about what it actually is about - spoiled high schoolers. Because, surprisingly, that is actually why I watch this show every Monday night; because after my rent check is cashed this month I will literally have 62 cents in my bank account and no one - and I really do mean no one! - on the entire Eastern Seaboard wants to hire me, and for an hour its nice to forget that and live vicariously through someone who can have a Missoni dress for their sixteenth birthday party.

To let you know how dire my life has become, this evening my undergrad alma mater called asking me to donate $100. I refused, saying that I just got a Masters and am now looking for a job, and the caller was kind enough to give me the number for Career Services. How sweet of her! So Little J, when your soon to be stepsister offers to throw you one hell of a Sweet Sixteen Party, take it. Because soon enough you will be 23, with a useless Ivy League degree, $20,000 in debt, living on a diet of spaghetti and canned soup, buying dresses from Dress Barn and looking at those "etc" jobs on Craigslist with mild interest.

But hey, at least I can still throw one hell of a party.

And as a parting gift, because this song describes this episode more succintly than I ever could: